LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



00010355503 



THE 



/ 

MAN IN THE MOON 



CONSISTING OF 



ESSAYS AND CRITIQUES 



POLITICS, MORALS, MANNERS, 
DRAMA, &c. 

OF THE PRESENT DAY. 



Cf I see you!! 4" 



LONDON: 

PRINTED TOR S. HIGHL^Y, (SUCCESSOR TO THE LATE MR. JOHN 
MURRAY) NO. 24, FLEET-STREET. 




fl3 



PRINTED BV C. WHITI'INGHAM, \1EAN STREET. 



* V 






ADVERTISEMENT. 



AT is remarkable how many and various have been 
the conjectures respecting the papers entitled The 
Man in the Moon. It is, however, flatly denied 
that that august personage is the author of them, 
and numerous presumptions have arisen on the sub- 
ject. The critics will, doubtless, well as they are 
acquainted with style, determine the question ; that is, 
if they have not forgot the old stile in favour of the 
new, and if they cannot get over the stile, they un- 
questionably will be able to go some other zvay after 
the fact. 

The Man in the Moon begs to premise, that he 
has little acquaintance in Great Britain ; that he has 
not the honour of a personal knowledge of any of the 
Reviewers; that he has never been more than once or 
twice at Longman's Conversations, and that he must, 
therefore, since it has become his turn to be reviewed, 
trust altogether to the candour of the critics. He 
only desires that they may give judgment on his 
papers. 



r / 7 



THE 



MAN IN THE MOON 




Z 



" I SEE YOU ! ! ! 



Number I. 



Saturday, 12th Nov. 1803. 



An Address to the Reader, in which the Editor will explain something 
of the Character of the Paper entitled « THE MAN IN THE 
MOON." 

±T is trusted, that when the world shall be made ac- 
quainted with the means by which the compiler of the 
paper entitled The Man in the Moon will be enabled 
from time to time to afford them the intelligence it is 
meant to convey, when they are informed, that it is 
the work of no hireling fag, nor disappointed grum, 
bier; but that its information has been, and will be 
communicated by the aid of revelation, and written 
from the mouth of the ingenious inhabitant of the 



2 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

moon himself, they will, no doubt, feel due venera- 
tion for its author. 

It will be necessary, as a kind praeludium to the 
character of this curious paper, to correct a frequent 
and familiar prejudice that exists in the minds of the 
inhabitants of the earth, against the inhabitant of the 
moon, and which is at once injurious and offensive 
to his powers, and discrimination. It is noticeable in 
the coarse and vulgar comparison, " that one knows 
" no more of a thing than the man in the moon :" 
how false and erroneous this degree of comparison 
must be, is evident, when one considers that from his 
high situation, and the having constantly his eyes, nose, 
and mouth, ready to see, smell, and taste, the natural 
and accidental provisions of the earth, he must neces- 
sarily be abundantly supplied with food for contem- 
plation and satire, that at the phases, or changes, of 
the planet wherein he resides, he is always busy turn- 
ing over some materials or other, and that he is never 
totally and altogether shut out from his studies, and 
contemplation with us, except in the time of a total 
eclipse, when, it is presumed, he has a holiday. It 
follows then, that he must review pretty often and at- 
tentively the actions of his undermentioned neigh- 
bours, and know more about them than they may- 
think ; in short, he is constantly paying them atten- 
tion, and in this respect he must be allowed to show 
a true greatness of character, for he certainly does, 
contrary to the usual manners of the world, take notice 
of those beneath him. 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. S 

How the Man in the Moon happened to consent 
to furnish the intelligences and opinions of this paper, 
named after him by his permission, will remain to be 
hereafter explained ; let it suffice, for the present, to 
advertise the reader, that the Man in the Moon enter- 
tains no politics but what are for the happiness of so- 
ciety, nor any share of that monstrous philosophy that 
would separate pure religion from pure morality. He 
views with satisfaction every thought, every sentiment 
of good, spring from whence it may, whether it comes 
from the mouth of the Christian or the Bramin v the 
Mussulman or the Chinese, it is only the errors and 
absurdities of man that he would satirise. He constant- 
ly aims at some convenient mark, some selected ob- 
ject ; he will keep a sharp look out upon folly, and fix 
his eye, as in the vignette, on the 

Omnia plena stidtorum ; 
but he will not wink at vice, nor corruption. 

The Man in the Moon will therefore view the poli- 
tics of the earth with moderation and good humour, 
(that is, with as much good humour and moderation as 
he can), though indeed, possessing the supernatural 
privileges he does from his high office, he can have lit- 
tle to dread, and in the opinion of any Attorney or 
Solicitor General living, must be considered as acting 
not at all within the meaning of the suspension of 
the Habeas Corpus Act. 

Another peculiar degree of protection and advan- 
tage enjoyed by the Man in the Moon, is from his vast 



4 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

experience, and knowledge, attained in a series of con- 
templations since the days of Moses, on the events and 
transactions of this globe, which instructs him to ap- 
preciate, not depreciate, the characters, manners, and 
actions of men, uninterrupted by partialities or preju- 
dices, as he has little or no acquaintance upon earth, 
and is perfectly independant, and above every thing 
that is mean. 

It may possibly be asked, What business the Man 
in the Moon has to make any of his observations upon 
us? Why he should have fixed his inquisitive eye upon 
this island, and what he can possibly have to find fault 
with in a country so enlightened, and where the mo- 
rals are preserved by the precepts and examples of so 
many great and wise men, who are just at this nick 
of time employed for the benefit of their country ? 
Where religion is unsullied by party, or political 
themes and disquisitions ; where it is so very seldom 
disgraced by the familiar discourses of wretched and 
ignorant traders, who traffic their abominable non- 
sense for popularity, and prophane the temple with 
their absurdities ; where the decencies of life are never 
called upon to yield to false and fantastic notions of 
pride, or fear ; where one is not seen to tremble at the 
truth, and another to tremble at the having spoken it; 
where you do not observe an ingenious false philoso- 
phy, combating with childish strength, against ancient 
weakness; where the vibrations of public opinion can- 
not be said to resemble the wanderings of the needle 
in the mariner's compass, by returning, at last, to the 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 5 

same favorite point of absurdity, as that does to the 
north pole ; where the disease of noli me tangere is not 
known; where there is so very little corruption; where 
criticism is so pure and impartial; and where genius 
and taste is so much encouraged, because there is so 
much genius and taste. 

Now the fact is, that whether the temper of the 
Man in the Moon has become soured by his long 
soliary position in that planet, without even a single 
opportunity for the solus cum sola he has so often wit- 
nessed below, or whether his disposition partakes of 
the melancholy temperament of the climate he dwells 
in, he certainly does entertain some material doubts 
respecting the wisdom, abilities, integrity, and ho- 
nesty of vast numbers among us wise and enlightened 
people. Nay, he is even in the habit of thinking that 
the morals and manners of the age are far from pure, 
that some things are wrong, that there is now and then 
a little crooked policy, that we are apt to mistake the 
matter, that prejudice is the worst of tyrants, that 
aristocrats and democrats are fools of one and the same 
species, though of a different genus, who alike teize, 
torment, pester, and plague society with their wretched 
absurdities created out of selfish petty interests, to 
the annoyance of the public weal ; that truth is still 
suffered to follow at a distance, offering his services, 
without being acknowledged and embraced. 

It may be thought, nevertheless, by some versed in 
the science of optics, that from the situation of the 



6 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 



Man in the Moon, being, according to astronomers, 
placed at more than 24,000 miles from the earth, he 
can have but an imperfect vision of what is going on 
below, particularly in this island, owing to the almost 
impenetrable fog, which, in the months of October 
and November, covers it, as it were, with a wet nap- 
kin, from the impertinent gaze of any lunatic what- 
ever; besides, that the atmosphere of the moon must 
occasion a sensible refraction of objects, without taking 
into consideration the optical inequality that must 
necessarily arise from the immense distance he pre- 
serves from us, we may therefore naturally enough 
conclude, without ever having read Father Echinard's 
Century of Problems in Optics, that he may be mis- 
taken in some of the observations he may take. That 
he can but have a bird's eye view of our actions, and 
that a good deal of spleen may possibly be mixed with 
his remarks upon us, since, as he criticises the morals 
and manners of so little a place as Great Britain, he 
must make it a point to do so. 

Whether the Man in the Moon does not sometimes 
w r ear spectacles; whether he does not, on grand review 
days, assist his vision by a telescope; whether he does 
not frequently use a reading glass, or apply a mi- 
croscope when he wishes to look narrowly into mat- 
ters; whether he was actually transported to the 
moon for gathering sticks on a Sunday; whether he 
is as fond of claret, as has been said by some emi- 
nent writers; whether he feeds upon powdered beef 
and carrots; 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 7 

" Or does the Man in the Moon look big, 
" And wear a huger periwig ; 
n Shew in his faoe, or gait, more tricks 
" Than our native lunatics," 

are important questions, upon which the reader may 
possibly be satisfied in the next number, wherein we 
intend to introduce this extraordinary personage to 
his acquaintance, with the customary etiquette, Mr. 
Reader; Mr. Man in the Moon, Mr. Man in the 
Moon, Mr. Reader ; after which, I believe, it is usual 
to be more open and communicative than any one, 
(acquainted with the nature of true politeness) can 
possibly be, even with the worthiest stranger, with- 
out being properly introduced. 

The next Number promises also to be more explicit 
as to the qualifications and attributes of this new Cri- 
tical Reviewer; and will describe, at large, the super- 
natural observations he is at the pains of taking aloft, 
to bring the true representation of objects below be- 
fore him, that he may discover somewhat accurately 
the latitude and longitude of human actions, allowing 
for parallax, declination and refraction. Also, how he 
is able to pry so well into cabinets, and councils; to 
get into the inner chambers of families ; how every 
thing is laid open to him, even the machinery of poli- 
tics, the wheel within wheel, that by its movements 
dazzles and confounds the vulgar eye; how he can 
know when the work is imperfect ; why it is dangerous 
to meddle with it ; and why some, who have had the 
winding and regulating of the machine, should have 



8 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

preferred doing it in a corner, and, as they thought, 
out of sight. 

As far as the Editor is at present at liberty to speak 
of the Man in Moon, he believes, that in his observa- 
tions and opinions of the events and occurrences of 
the earth, he will not, on any occasion, shut his eyes 
to the truth; and that if he tries to see clearly into any 
thing, it will be only to expose vice and folly. 

The Man in the Moon is no anarchist, for he con- 
templates with constant admiration the order of the 
universe ; he is no democrat, for he is above the com- 
mon sphere; and he disclaims all aristocracy, except 
over the presumptions of impudence and ignorance. 

In the Man of the Moon — Merit shall find a friend 
— Truth an advocate — Falsehood, an inspector-gene- 
ral — The great no foe, but to their follies — The guilty 
no enemy, but to their crimes — The poor a guardian 
— The unhappy a counsellor. 

Charity he has; for he himself is not immaculate. 
Humanity he has; for he is but a man. 

THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

z. 



THE 



MAN IN THE MOON 



ECCE SIGNUM .» 



NUMBER IL Wednesday, 16th Nov. 1803. 

The Compiler's Account of his Birth and Parentage. The extraordinary 
Visit he receives from the Man in the Moon, tuitk the Conversation that 
ensued. 

IViY father was, as fate would have it, the well- 
known Editor of a certain morning print lately gone 
into oblivion; he was a tall thin man, of about five 
feet nine inches in height, with a large Roman nose, 
full black eyes, his face wrinkled, and pursed up into 
a malignant contortion of features happily expressive 
of chagrin and discontent, large thick lips, long black 
teeth, the right corner of the mouth drooping over 
its maxillary by the frequent action of the depressor 
anguli oris, with a remarkable oscillation of the head, 
resembling in its movements the action of a pendulum, 
which I rather imagine to have been the effect of 
intense study, though some ill-natured and censorious 
persons have gone so far as to alledge, that it was 
owing to his having, once in his life, run his head 
through the hole of a large wooden machine occasion- 
ally erected at Covent-garden or Charing-cross. 

My mother, whose character also deserves some no- 
tice, was a little ill-favoured woman, 



10 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

Hunch back'd, sharp nos'd, cross-ey'd, and lean, 
The veriest vixen ever seen. 

She. was vastly fond of prerogative, and was skilled in 
argument. It used to be a constant maxim of my 
poor dear father's, " Son Jack, never marry a woman 
that understands logic. ,, It frequently, upon reflection, 
astonishes me how my mother's system of government 
was upheld, for she was both despotic and mercenary, 
(though, doubtless, some great states have been sup- 
ported by the same policy, if we may believe continental 
news). She would impose the heaviest burthens upon 
my poor father, and yet her smiles were to be bought 
at any time by a new cap, or a gown. It is true, my 
father sometimes rebelled, but then my mother kept 
up a military force, in the person of a tall, athletic 
Serjeant of the guards, who lodged in the second floor. 

Notwithstanding which, sometimes my father and 
mother were extremely fond, and I am said to be the 
hopeful offspring of their mutual affection. 

" Suspiciones, inimicitia?, induciae, 

" Bellum, pax rursum, incerta hsc si postules." 

Terent. Eunuch. Act 1. Sc. 1. 

The quarrels, jealousies, and brawls of love, 
Its truce, its war or peace, uncertain prove. 

I was very much distinguished, when a boy, for the 
rapidity with which I took my learning, and for the 
archness and ill nature which I evinced in every little 
matter of controversy among my school-fellows. My 
figure, owing to some cross accidents in my birth, was 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 1 1 

somewhat extraordinary; my head was remarkably 
large, resembling in shape an overgrown pumpkin; my 
right leg was considerably longer than my left; my 
eyes were placed (after my mother's fashion) diago- 
nally in my forehead, and the rest of my features 
were half formed, and misplaced, like my father's, so 
that some people, not acquainted with the beautiful 
and sublime, might have called me ugly. My dispo- 
sition was more retrograde than the action of my legs, 
which made the like angles in walking as may be no- 
ticed in the pedatim of a young volunteer practising 
the oblique march. <• 

So early as the age of four years I began to have 
les mauvaise habitudes; I quarrelled with every body 
at the tea table for a lump of sugar, overturned the 
slop bason if contradicted, and made daily depreda- 
tions in my mother's private closet for raspberry jam 
and cherry brandy ; I constantly made it a point to 
do exactly contrary to what I was bid, began the al- 
phabet with the letter Z, and learnt the Lord's prayer 
backwards. 

I had so early a notion of liberty, that at eight 
years of age I dislodged the bar placed by my pa- 
rents at the window for my personal safety, and fell 
headlong into the street; and when only nine, untied 
a mastiff in the yard, who not being sufficiently sen- 
sible of the blessings of freedom, had very nearly, and 
but for the interference of his master, torn me to 
pieces for my intended civility. 



12 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

In addition to these pleasing traits of disposition, I 
had others which seemed to mark my future character 
more strongly : I had so little respect for the civil 
rights of persons, and the laws of property, that there 
was not an orchard within ten miles that I had not 
robbed, nor a farmer's yard where I had not conu 
mittecl a trespass; and as I conceived one person 
ought to live just as well as another, I never failed to 
put my fingers into the best filled dishes, was remarks 
ably fond of a sop in the pan, and had a very early 
notion of the loaves and fishes. 

It is amazing with what spirit I sustained the mis- 
fortunes of my youth ; through all the lectures of my 
father and the buffetings of my mother I remained 
perfectly undaunted; the spirit of defiance kept me up ; 
I sought for argument on every occasion, and found 
the greatest of all pleasures in contradiction, which 
last disposition, it is easy to suppose, I imbibed from 
the female part of my family. How beautifully blended 
in the child were the talents and qualifications of the 
parents, the vis liberti was engrafted in my character, 
and I preserved it inviolate to grow and expand for 
greater purposes. 

I was, at fourteen 'years of age, bound an appren- 
tice to a printer, which business my father, whose 
foresight was very great, chose for me; and as I was 
the sharp keen boy that I have described, I improved 
beyond expectation; in short, my abilities were not 
suffered to lie dormant, I was taken into wonderful 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 13 

favour, and was presently allowed to be the cleverest 
devil my master had ; I was let into the arcana of the 
newspaper- business, and the hidden mysteries of com- 
munication and intelligence ; I was, 'tis true, a little 
staggered at first with letters from Hamburgh, mur- 
ders from Dublin, and Yorkshire accidents, but these 
presently became familiar. I discovered that the 
newspapers contained a great deal of matter, and usu* 
ally one article of truth — the list of bankrupts, 

After my apprenticeship was expired, as my turn 
for invention and abuse were pretty generally known, 
I did not wait long for employ. I was engaged in 
one of the chief departments of the office, and was near 
being appointed a joint editor to a morning print, 
when I was stopt short in my career by a somewhat 
extraordinary adventure. I happened one evening to 
be left alone in the office adjoining the printing-loft, 
correcting the press of a new work, entitled, Galvanic 
Experiments on the Human Mind> by professor Hum- 
bug, by the help of which the famous archbishop of 
Grenada, in Gil Bias, might have given another fillip 
to his decayed mental powers that would have astonish- 
ed the hearers of his homilies ; when, in an instant, 
I beheld seated on the stool opposite to me, on the 
other side of the desk, the figure of a little old man, 
leaning forwards upon a crutch stick, a huge periwig 
upon his head, and a bundle of faggots on his back. 
Had I not been used to the marvellous, I should 
doubtless have leapt out of the window with fright ; 
but I had dealt so long in fiction, that I could not 



14 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

readily conceive the reality of an apparition, and was 
combating with the powers of the imagination, when 
my unexpected visitor, with a smile upon his coun- 
tenance, addressed me very familiarly, w How d'ye 
do, Master Printer ?" To which interrogatory I had 
not the power to answer a syllable. I hope (con- 
tinued he, after a pause) that you are not frightened. 
Not at all, replied I, (shaking every limb) ; not in the 
least, sir. The Old Gentleman had by this time 
shoved his stool to the side of the stove, next mine, 
resting his hands upon his knees with great gravity, 
in the attitude of a judge on the bench at the assizes, 
looking me full in the face. Pray, sir, cried I, in a 
tremulous tone, may I take the liberty to ask how 
you came in here, and who you are ? I came in, an- 
swered he, through the hole in the window-shutter, 
and I am that extraordinay personage called or known 
by the inhabitants of the earth by the name of the 
Man in the Moon. 

The reader may judge my astonishment. The Man 
in the Moon, repeated I, surveying him more atten- 
tively, and at the same time mustering up my cou- 
rage to pay him les hommages respectueux, I managed 
to hand him a chair, which stood in a corner of the 
office for the accommodation of authors to read over 
their proofs, and making a profound bow, resumed 
my seat on the high stool. 

And pray, sir, (said I), may I ask to what extraor- 
dinary circumstance I am indebted for the honour of 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 15 

this visit ? A matter of business (replied he) . It is 
my design to publish with you; do you think my 
works will sell ? No man upon earth, sir, (replied I), 
has reason to expect greater success than — The Man 
in the Moon. 

I was so much enraptured with the idea of retain- 
ing so novel an author, that numberless ideas of pro- 
fit and advantage rushed at once upon my mind. 
Doubtless, sir, (cried I), you will touch upon politics, 
classics, morality, inebriety, cookery, paper credit, 
galvanism, the acts of parliament, children's books, 
the philosophy of banking, or the experiments of om- 
nium. Hold ! for heaven's sake ! (cried the Old Gen. 
tleman) ; what variety of employment ! but if we are 
to do business together, you will, if you please, leave 
me to the choice of my subjects. I have already 
brought you some manuscript; but as I can only pay 
you a visit in the time of an eclipse, or steal half an 
hour's absence now and then, as at present, I shall 
contrive to send you the copy by one of the moon- 
beams, in the same way as boys convey a messenger 
to a kite, and which will be transmitted to you 
through the same aperture in the window-shutter 
which gave me admission. I could not help admir- 
ing the facility of this communication, and begged 
that my new correspondent would on no account de- 
lay the press. The Old Gentleman now rose to take 
his leave, when he hinted, that the chief motive of his 
publishing the papers to be called after his name, was 
from a tradition that the spell, by which he had been 
so long confined in the moon, would end at the time 



16 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

when the manners of men should become so chaste 
and pure* as to exclude from among them malice, ha- 
tred, revenge, lust, and avarice, with the necessity of 
imprisonment and war, the approach of which millen- 
nium he hoped to be the means of hastening by his 
opinions and reflections upon good and evil. I could 
not, however, help shrugging up my shoulders at so 
chimerical an undertaking, and seized the first oppor- 
tunity to ask him a few general questions ; such as 
what he thought of Cobbett's Register? of the Income 
Bill ? of little Byrne's Hornpipe ? and of Buonaparte's 
Invasion ? to which last question he only replied with 
a smile, and in the words of Lucan, 

" Impiger et fortis virtute coacta." 
By a forced valour, resolute and brave. 

After a promise to supply me regularly with copy, 
the Old Gentleman shook hands with me, and I ob- 
served his form gradually diminish to about the size 
of a marmozet monkey, when seating himself across 
a beam of the moon, he was presently drawn up to 
the hole in the window-shutter, at the circle of which 
he stopt an instant to wish me a good night, and then 
took his leave, while I sat down to read over the ma- 
nuscript he had left; the contents of which will be 
given to the reader in the next Number. z. 

Erratum.— No. I. p. 5, 1. 9, for soliary read solitary. 



THE 



MAN IN THE MOON 



" O quantum est in rebus inane !" 

When will worldlings judge rightly of things ! 



NUMBER III. Saturday, \9th Nov. 1803. 

Tlie Compiler peruses the Manuscript left by the Man in the Moon, in 
which he finds a supernatural Account of his own Birth, and the 
Doctrine of good and evil Spirits established, with their Influences 
on certain sublunary Movements now going on, 

X WAS no sooner left alone than I felt curiosity, a 
leading feature in the character of all men, but more 
particularly in a collector of news, begin to operate. 
I disposed of a pinch of snuff, which w r as between the 
fore finger and thumb of my right hand with astonish- 
ing celerity into the left receptacle of my nose, and 
after snuffmg the candles in great literary agitation, 
untied the manuscript, and read as follows : 



<c TO THE EDITOR, 



<c SIR, 



" It may be expected that I should give my readers 
some account of my situation, and office in the Moon, 
with a prospectus of my plan. On the first subject 
I am forbid to be very explicit at present, all that I 
can say is, that having little other occupation, I em- 



18 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

ploy my time in perusing the actions, (that is) the 
blunders, exploits, follies, mistakes, and mischances of 
busy and impertinent man, which I am enabled to do 
to advantage, by means of a perfection of vision pecu- 
liar to an inhabitant of the moon, and which is so far 
exceeding the optics of any creature of the earth, and 
of your modern aeronauts, that there is not the small- 
est danger of my taking a forest for a gooseberry 
bush. 

" I am enabled likewise, by this clearness of vision, 
to see things in the dark, and to penetrate into the 
most concealed places with the facility of a moon- 
beam, you must doubtless imagine that I am often 
amused with the blindman's buff going on below me 
among great politicians, philosophers, and men of bu- 
siness, and frequently smile at their running their 
wrong heads one against the other. What adds to 
the entertainment is, my acquaintance with the invi- 
sible movers of these performers, who dance them 
about like puppets, just as they please; but of this 
more hereafter. I shall now offer to you the plan of 
my lunar observations: they will be taken upon the 
greater and lesser circles of the sphere, upon religion, 
morals, and the occurrences of the political world; 
they will include at times critiques on the works of 
literature, the productions of the drama, and the me- 
rits of actors, but they shall never be offensive to the 
feelings of any, or wantonly severe. I am too well 
acquainted with the infirmities of human beings, and 
with the havoc self-interest, pride, and vanity make 



THE MAN IN THE 3H00N. 19 

among society, for, situated as I am, the region be- 
tween the earth and moon is open to my contempla- 
tion, and I have opportunities of discoursing (and in- 
deed am personally acquainted) with those innumera- 
ble invisible agents who are the friends or enemies of 
man, 

" Asmodeus, the most ingenious of the devils, has al- 
ready in part laid open, in his correspondence with the 
facetious Don Cleofas Perez de Zambullo, the secret 
influence of those potent contrivers, who tempt and 
perplex poor human beings into error. Each depart- 
ment has a chief, as described by the Diable Boiteux s 
they are always busy, and never neglect an opportunity 
to do mischief. I am enabled by this knowledge to tell 
you, that it is to Astorath, the famous political devil, 
you owe the happy facility you possess of invention 
and intrigue. It was that, demon who watched over 
the pregnancy of your mother, and attended her deli- 
very, when, observing you to be a little ugly infant, 
(you will pardon my sincerity) he instantly claimed 
you as his own, a fit subject of experiment, and 
seating himself one night in November upon a heavy 
black cloud, that hung over the chimney of your house 
of nativity, he dexterously mixt up the ingredients 
which he meant to transfuse into your mind; genius, 
malice, envy, spleen, the love of mischief, and of li- 
centious liberty made up the notch potch, and I am 
sure you must admit that it was the devil of a compo- 
sition ; he was so adroit, that the good spirit (who, 
by the by, your mother had frightened away with 



20 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

scolding at her nurse) came too late to your assist- 
ance, and had only time to throw in a single virtue, 
intrepidity, which answered the devil's purpose bet- 
ter than if it had been left out. 

" You will, doubtless, wonder why of all people I 
have picked you out as the publisher of my opinions; 
the reason however is obvious; it is to bring good 
out of evil." 

At this line, I found the end of my nose turn itself 
up with a sort of galvanic twitch, and discovered, by 
a broken glass before me, that I " grinned horribly 
a ghastly smile." 

" It is my design to soften the asperities of your 
nature, and to neutralize the acidities of your dispo- 
sition, in short, to lay the devil." 

At this I laid down the manuscript, and took a 
pincn of snuff. 

" I know that I shall be blamed by many of my ac- 
quaintance for endeavouring to make them better and 
happier than they are ; however, the promise of my li- 
berty is paramount to every other consideration, and, 
after all, I have a regard for my fellow creatures, and 
am out of the power of any evil spirit to do me harm. 
May the spirit of truth, which emanates from the su- 
preme fountain of goodness, more or less, into the mind 
of man, which is ever the same, and though sometimes 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 21 

annoyed and disturbed, convinces, survives, and over- 
comes, that constitutes the understanding of the wise 
man, is the common sense of the unlearned, and dis- 
owned only by the hardened fool, spread its pure in- 
telligence into all bosoms, that every one may be 
filled with the full glory of reason, and feel and ac- 
knowledge its benign influence and almighty power. 

" It is this sririt of truth which maintains a coun- 
try, that resides in the characters of the rulers and 
the governed, when they have good will towards each 
other; that makes them consistent in virtue and ho- 
nesty; that branches out into the spirit of the laws, 
and constitutes the best and surest defence in danger, 

THE INDEPENDENT SPIRIT OF A NATION. 

" The mighty Leviathan, and Belphegor, demons of 
the first order, are now at work; they animate the 
breast of an ambitious man to acts of outrage, but 
let the spirit of truth oppose them, and they dis- 
appear. 

" It is then with good spirits that Englishmen must 
meet the foe; the brave unequalled spirit of her tars 
will do wonders, and the spirit of the soldiery move 
whole columns of associated hearts in the defence of 
their country, for party spirit is laid, and the spirit 
of unanimity must conquer. 

" One thing is, however, of most weighty consi- 
deration to Englishmen at the present moment, and that 



22 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

is, that all the talent as well as the valour of the coun- 
try should be engaged in her service; the discriminat- 
ing eye of administration should search into every 
corner of the kingdom for merit unemployed. I see 
neglected numerous officers of the line, who have seen 
service, walking the streets at leisure, or ruminating 
at their country cottages, on the danger of the coun- 
try. It is not numbers alone that can succeed against 
a daring foe, it must, to apply a term used in law, be 
number and value. It is not an association of brave 
minds and bodies in the cause, talents must instruct, 
and experience direct the movements of an army, the 
veteran must aid the volunteer, and good officers lead 
good men to victory. 

" Whether a country be at peace or at w r ar, it is a 
carmen necessarium for politicians to engage and em, 
ploy the merit best suited to the particular situation 
of things. In peace, acute financiers ; in war, the 
strength of naval and military talent ; in tumult, men 
of high civil authority and great good private charac- 
ter, aided by the militia, should be called forth to 
curb licentiousness, and to dismay the enterprize of 
the insurgents. In all cases the strength of talent is 
most invulnerable ; the strength of valour is rashness 
without it, and often of no avail. 

cc Wherever I direct my eye upon the movement 
and measures of the men engaged in the great admi- 
nistration of affairs, I discover the best intentions-, 
from whence then can proceed the neglect so appa- 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. S3 

rent, and so inimical to the interests of the country ? 
Is it from the difficulty occasioned by the punctilios 
of service, which frequently, when rank is bestowed, 
puts the meritorious officer who arrives to it, as it is 
called, upon the shelf; and the same man whose ser- 
vices would have been esteemed as a major-general is 
lost to the country, only because he has arrived to the 
rank of a lieutenant-general, and cannot be engaged 
in the brilliant career of military glory, because he can- 
not, with propriety, have any other than a chief com- 
mand. Surely this is a bad organization, and some 
way might be found to distribute all the merit of the 
line among the forces of the kingdom that might not 
be derogatory to military ettiquette, if that paltry 
non-efficient word must govern in the field of battle, 
as in a dancing-master's ball-room. 

" In addition to the above reasoning may be urged, 
the accession of discipline and professional courage 
that would disseminate through the volunteer ranks; 
they would admire and become intimate with that re- 
gular and mechanical courage, (if I may so call it) 
which goes as regularly and composedly to fight, as a 
workman to his daily labour, and which is the effect 
of military education and of habit. 

~" The French know the courage of the British, and 
they know that all they have to trust to against so 
brave a nation, is the ingenuity of talent, the success- 
fulness of intrigue, and the discipline of soldiers accus- 
tomed to the field. Eustace de St. Pierre, in the 



24 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

English Dramatist, (Colman junior's play of the 
Surrender of Calais,) defines the sentiment of the 
French on this subject : 

" I like these English, they are a noble and a down-right foe, who 
-when we spin our subtle webs of state, come to our doors and 
pull the work to pieces." 

cc Let then the talent of the country be recruited 
from all points where it is hid in obscurity, that it 
may brighten with its clear enlivening flame the mind 
of valour. 

" The Man in the Moon joins most fervently in 
the prayer, that England may repulse the rash in- 
vader; and that, notwithstanding the arrogant boasts 
and threats of the enemy, hopes that he shall, accord- 
ing to good old custom, again regale his olfactory 
nerves, at the approaching Christmas, with the usual 
fragrant exhalations of roast beef and plumb pudding 
ascending from the tables of the undisturbed and 
cheerful families, who love not ambition, and respect 
not conquerors, that he may be able to say, not only 
" I see you," according to his motto, but " I see you, 
and am glad to see you so happy." 

z. 



THE 

MAN IN THE MOON 



RERUM MISTURA." 



NUMBER IV. Wednesday, 23d Nov. IS03. 

VJN last Saturday evening I observed, from my visi- 
ble in the Moon, an extremely full house at Drury- 
lane Theatre; it was the representation of a new play, 
when being by right of my office, and without any 
favour from managers, on the free list, I witnessed, 
through the aperture occasioned by raising a venti- 
lator, the whole of the performance. The Piece was 
called, or rather miscalled, " Hearts of Oak, 11 for, like 
Bayes's Epilogue, it would have suited any other play 
just as well. It is my duty, as a critic, to point out 
the faults which have blurred and deformed a good 
dramatic sketch, and by shewing what a Comedy 
ought to be, appreciate the value of the present at- 
tempt of Mr. Allingham, and show how far it falls 
short. 

Comedy is a happy combination of design, charac- 
ter, manners, unities, and incidents, assisted by pas- 
sion, expression, the sentiment of the heart, wit, 
whim, repartee, vivacity, peculiarity, and humour ; 
and these should never be at variance with nature or 



26 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

probability ; a perfect plot is that which contains 
moral, instruction, variety, humour, and novelty, nei- 
ther too simple or too complex; it should ridicule 
folly, degrade vice, aid the cause of virtue, and publish 
no defects or infirmities but such as subtract from mo- 
rality. The unities, that is, the agreement of time and 
place, should be so well preserved, that an audience 
may become wrapt up in the scene, and lose sight of 
its being mere representation. Let me then examine 
and detect the defects of a play, by no means a bad one, 
and decompose the materials of which it is formed. 
We find, in the first place, a meagre and indeed im- 
probable story for a plot ; a fond husband, on the bare 
suspicion excited in his mind by seeing his wife em- 
brace a stranger, without ever making enquiries into 
her conduct, flies from her ; for seventeen years leav- 
ing her child, which he contrives to get from her, in 
the care of a friend. To effect a meeting between 
these unhappy parties a progression of interest is cer- 
tainly attended to, but that progression is frequently 
broken in upon by the lame incidents of a weak un- 
der-plot, which take considerably from the develope- 
ment of character, and the climax of the drama. 

The other materials, with which this Author has 
chosen to build his play, that is, his characters, are 
worthy notice ; he has enlisted a countryman, a coun- 
try girl, a good-natured choleric old man, an honest 
Irishman (for to make an Irishman a rogue would be 
perfectly undramatic), a little busy impertinent Moor- 
fields broker, a lover disguised as a music master, a 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 27 

} r oung lady with much goodness and too much levity, 
and a wife sinking under the misfortune of having lost 
a husband, without the smallest clue to unravel the 
mystery of his absence. It seems to be the notion of 
modern authors, that if they can but give a character 
a different condition, that is, turn Dr. Pangloss into a 
parish clerk and undertaker, or into a little Moorfields 
broker, that they have hit on a new character ; and 
thus, perhaps, to oblige a performer in what he calls 
his line, an author takes measure, and fits him after a 
fashion that makes him known at first sight to the 
town. It will not displease an author of talent to be 
told these faults; he will feel, from the happy facility 
true genius possesses of arriving at truth, the force of 
my observations; instead of chusing the subjects of a 
great master, he will then paint from nature; he will 
delineate new characters, and not servilely imitate the 
situations of another because they have happened to 
please the public; he will not introduce a fandango in 
his play only because Mr. Colman had one in his, 
nor enlist an Irishman merely to utter groans, and 
make bulls without any novelty of character, or in- 
terest in the piece. The public, authors, and per- 
formers, seem agreed to compound good sense, and 
furnish, by reciprocity of contract, stale commodities 
at a cheap rate of praise ; but the Man in the Moon 
remembers when players had not only to study parts, 
but to arrive in that study at the truth of the charac- 
ter given them, instead of authors having to fit the 
capabilities of the actor; how much better it was for 
the public, long experience has shown, 



25 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

These observations are not irrelative, they, perhaps, 
determine the rights and properties of a regular dra- 
ma, and the independence of authorship : indeed it is 
a reflection upon the genius of our actors, that they 
do not rather desire authors not to write for lhe?n, as 
it is called, but take the allotment of the author or 
manager in the Green-room, subject to what they may 
feel of the part offered them; at any rate the author 
should be unshackled, it is with the performer to re- 
ject a part he cannot give life to. I feel that I 
ought not to pass over the inimitable acting of Dow- 
ton, in the character of Ardent; the admixture of 
impetuosity, feeling, testiness, and kindness was ad- 
mirably conceived, and the workings of his mind were 
so naturally expressed in the scene where he brings 
the husband and wife together, that they were pro- 
bably understood and felt by the whole audience. 
It must doubtless be ungrateful to an author to 
hear detailed the demerits of his piece: few would even 
have the patience to answer the interrogatories once 
offered to Macklin — that author was behind the scenes 
one night, when a gentleman, in the course of con- 
versation, suggested to him a subject which he thought 
would do extremely well dramatised $ to which he re- 
ceived an answer, " It has been done, sir." — " Done, 
sir!" — C£ Yes, sir," — " How long ago, pray, sir?" — 
" Five years." — " And how did it succeed?" — " It 
was damned, sir." — And pray, sir, whose was it ?" — 
" It was mine, sir, and be d — n'd to ye." 

I have just been favoured with the following very 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 29 

curious letter, which, as it may afford some hints to 
the managers of affairs, I have given to my readers. 

Dated Ironmonger Lane, Nov. 9th, 1803. 
" MR. MAN IN THE MOON, 

" Being satisfied that you are a man of observa- 
tion, and disposed to listen to the just complaints 
of the injured, I offer my memorial of the ser- 
vice in which I have been engaged many years for 
my country. You will recollect, in your last Num- 
ber, that you mentioned the unpardonable neglect 
of those who have the conducting of public affairs, in 
not employing the efficient strength of the regulars, 
who may certainly with considerable justice be called 
the Army of Reserve; for numbers of them have no- 
thing to do at present.' I own that I do not see why 
ive regular forces should be reduced to give place to 
the Volunteer Gentlemen, for whom, nevertheless, I 
have great respect; yet they certainly have not seen, 
or been exposed to the hardships that I have been, or 
sustained the fatigue that I have. I think that I ought 
not to be, as you call it, laid on the shelf. My at- 
chievements are well known to the public, and about 
a twelvemonth ago I was called out into actual ser- 
vice, but am now reduced again, and without even 
half pay. I have the vanity to think that I might be 
a great defence to the City of London in the hour of 
danger, and I should have no objection to meet Buo- 
noparte on his great war horse, if he gets as far as 
Temple-bar. I beg you will state my grievances, and 
desire of employ, in any way you please. I am sure 



30 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

}ou are a man of feeling, and a man who understands 
these matters. 

I am, therefore, mr. man in the moon, 

Yours most respectfully, 

Guildhall, City. THE MAN lN ARM0UR .» 

I cannot help thinking but that my friend, the 
man in armour, has just and heavy cause of com- 
plaint 5 I have often, noticed his attention to his duty 
when employed, and advise that he shall be permitted 
to offer a personal challenge to the proud and trou- 
blesome Corsican, which might be worded after the 
following manner : 

ff MOST RENOWNED KNIGHT OF THE FRANTIC ORDER, 

u Hearing that it is your most puissant determina- 
tion to visit these shores, I invite you so to do, and 
that you may present yourself on the west -side of 
Temple-bar on the first day of the next month, at the 
hour of twelve, and announce your arrival with a 
bugle horn, to be blown by a dwarf, when the gate 
will be opened, and you will find me in readiness to 
throw the gauntlet. I shall be in complete armour, 
you will, doubtless, be the same, and I expect when 
you get so far that your vizor shall be down. I swear 
by the spurs of the renowned knight St. George of 
England, that I will not fail. (Signed) 

THE MAN IN ARMOUR. " 
The Lord Mayor's Court, Nov. \9th, 1803. 

I have lately discovered a philosopher, with a tele- 
scope, making experiments, the better to ascertain 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 31 

my physiognomy; and a fair lady has favoured me 
with the following epistle : — 

* MR. MAN IN THE MOON, 

" I have not slept since the publication of your 
paper; for I am, you must know, dying with curiosity 
to see you; I imagine to myself your droll visage, 
until I fall into successive fits of laughter, and would 
give any thing to find you popping your head through 
the hole of the window-shutter in my chamber. I have, 
I assure you, a hundred questions to ask : — Pray, are 
you a married man ? — are there any little men in the 
moon r — was you taken to the moon for gathering sticks 
on a Sunday ? — do you mean to notice us women in your 
observations, or to overlook our faults ? — are lovers go- 
verned by the influence of the moon, and is the change- 
ableness of our sex to be attributed, as it is said, to 
her inconstancy? — does she govern the wonderful 
changes of fashion, and rule the taste of Madame 
Lanchester ? — has the moon any thing to do with 
Buonaparte, with the changes of administration, with 

Sir Francis B , the Mameluke, or Mr. W n ? 

You have no idea how delighted I should be to have 
all these, and ten thousand more questions answered; 
but I will send you a list of curious items, against 
which you can write the answers. You will observe, 
by my name, that I am a distant relation of yours, 
and I shall, I am sure, be very happy to see you, 
whenever you have an opportunity. 

I am, MR. MAN IN THE MOON, 

Yours, most sincerely, 

CYNTHIA." 

Half-Moon Street, Piccadilly, Nov. 19th, 1805. 



3% THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

Letters have just reached the moon, which bring 
intelligence that Buonaparte has changed his deter- 
mination of visiting England in gun-boats, being 
much too unwieldy machines ; and that he has in- 
vented a species of canoe, by which he can paddle 
across the channel with great ease, or, in case there 
may be a brisk breeze, sail along under a reefed 
damask napkin, at the rate of seven knots an hour ; 
they are so contrived, as not to overset without 
drowning the passengers, that they may not be taken 
prisoners. The model has been shewn to the members 
of the National Institute, and unanimously approved. 

Nothing can shew the extent of genius of the great 
Consul more than these inventions. I would, how- 
ever, advise him to take care of himself when he is 
about half seas over. It is not the plaster of Paris 
that can make him invulnerable. 

z. 

Erratum. — No. I. p. 6, 1. 2, for 24,000 read 240,000. 

The Man in the Moon is much obliged to Ferguson's Ghost for his notice of 
a press error. 



THE 



MAN IN THE MOON 



LOQUENTIA. 



NUMBER V. Saturday, 26th Nov. 1803. 

" MR. MAN IN THE MOON, 

JL HE want of encouragement so much experienced 
by true genius has occasioned me to make this appli- 
cation to you, since I have reason to hope that you 
have already noticed my labour; and that you will 
become my patron. You may easily judge, Sir, that 
in this automaton age, any improvement in speaking 
figures will be a desideratum; but what I am about to 
offer to the public far exceeds any thing of the kind yet 
attempted, and may be truly valuable to gentlemen 
who are just met to talk over affairs. I know that you 
are a good mechanic, and therefore I will proceed to 
describe my invention to you, for which I certainly 
intend to solicit a patent. You have doubtless, Sir, 
heard of the great difficulty of many public speakers 
to articulate more than the monosyllables Aye and 
No. Well, Sir, that difficulty is at an end, they may 
talk away* like so many cockatoos. My invention, Sir, 
is — a Pocketloquist, a little ingenious morsel of me- 
chanism, which possesses such wonderful powers and 

F 



34 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

capabilities that it will actually speak for half an hour 
at a time without stopping, that is, if properly wound 
up, just the same as a barrel organ plays a variety of 
tunes. It is so small, that a gentleman may carry it 
conveniently in his pocket, or conceal it in his 
handkerchief, and is of so curious a construction that 
the slightest pressure of the hand will raise or depress 
its tone, and by a proper fingering it will speak on 
any side, or to any tune. The use of it may be learnt 
in half an hour, but the proper manner of applying it 
to use must be well recollected ; for instance, if a 
young member wishes to speak on the Treasury side, 
he must put it in the right pocket, if in the Opposi- 
tion, in the left ; if perfectly independent he must not 
have to do with any pocket at all. You see that with 
this contrivance gentlemen need not be at the trouble 
of turning their coats, it is merely done by putting 
their hands in their pockets. If a candidate wishes to 
try it at an election, he has nothing to do but to 
carry the pocketloquist with him to the hustings, and 
set it to the tune of Liberty, Freedom of the Press, 
Habeas Corpus, No Taxes, Constitution, &c. when 
I am certain that my little automaton will carry the 
poll, and the member may then (as is often the case) 
truly say, that it was all out of his own pocket. 

u Another great advantage of the pocketloquist is, 
that owing to a judicious combination of the words, 
the speeches will not appear at all studied, and may 
be fashioned after any stile, the simple, the florid, or 
the obscure. « 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 35 

" The pocketloquist will, by its mechanism, Jit any 
subject, and the sense may be put together with as 
much facility as the parts of one of Newberry's maps 
for children; now it is not so very easy to put the 
sense of some of our modern fine speeches together 
without making them nonsense. 

<c I understand that there are some people who chuse 
to say that the pocketloquist is not by any means a 
new invention; that it has been used before to great 
advantage, and in great places; that it is made of 
metal; that it works by a golden key; that it is known 
to the lawyers in Westminster-hall ; that it is a pick 
lock; that it has been successfully applied by pick- 
pockets, and has often been used to rob the public. I 
believe that I am as well acquainted with the weight 
of metal as any body, and am ready to admit that 
some orators may have been put in motion for or 
against, by a secret spring, or by a something that 
might have given them the word, in the same way as the 
show-man speaks for Punch, in that ingenious comic 
representation to be witnessed any day in the streets, 
and from which I am free to confess I took the hint 
of my pocketloquist ; but in my invention the propo- 
sition is reversed, for the articulation is not conveyed 
to my little figure, but my little ^gure speaks for those 
who have not a word to say for themselves, or a word 
to spare ; for instance, we will for a moment suppose 
that there will be, next Friday, a great debate on the 
motion of Mr. Simpkins; now Mr. Tomkins is in 
prodigious anxiety to prepare a brilliant speech on the 



36 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 



other side the question. Well, Sir, Mr. Tomkins has 
nothing to do but to sit down and compose the sub^ 
ject matter, by placing together the following or any- 
other high sounding words; virtue, reform, public 
credit, one pound notes, patriotism, nothing, some- 
thing, stocks, omnium, &c. &c. and the machine will 
work of itself, to the admiration of the whole house, 
who will call out, Hear him ! Hear him ! while the 
newspaper reporters shall be carefully writing down 
the jargon of my clever little political puppet. 

" The use of the pocketloquist in Westminster-hall 
must be obvious, and would certainly prevent many 
little unlucky accidents that sometimes occur ; such 
as the one which happened only a short time ago : — 
An Irish barrister of eminence, who was retained for 
the plaintiff, came, after he had been drinking his 
two bottles of wine, in a great hurry into court, and 
snatching up his brief, began to plead with great ve- 
hemence for the defendant^ and went on in a fine 
strain of argument until he began to get sober, when 
he discovered his mistake; but nothing can disturb the 
assurance, or equal the ingenuity of the law. The 
barrister, with great address, continued without hesi- 
tation : " Now, gemmen of the jury, I believe that I 
have said every thing that can be said by my learned 
brother, for the defendant, which I have done as well 
to save my learned brother's time, as to shew you how 
easily those arguments may be refuted." The whole 
court were astonished at the admirable easy presump- 
tion of the barrister, who went on disproving all that he 



THE MAN IN THE MOON, 37 

had proved, until he had established his client's case: 
the counsel for the defendant had not a word left to 
say, and the counsel for the plaintiff gained his cause. 
I presume, Sir, you will now discover the considerable 
advantage of my little automaton over any accidental 
orator ; as a counsel would have nothing in the world 
to do but to recollect which pocket his case may be 
in, and set it to work accordingly. 

fc Players would also find my invention of great use, 
as they might set their parts to the proper cues, and 
not have occasion to take every thing from the side, 
which must certainly be attended with trouble to 
themselves and to the prompter. It will also be ser- 
viceable to the president of a public company, who 
will have only to set a sufficient number of toasts, 
sentiments, good things, and puns, such as are heard 
in good company ; this may be done with great ease 
by the help of a Joe Milleriana, 

f * There can be no doubt of its use among the mili- 
tary in giving the word of command, as my little 
field officer always speaks in a high tone, and don't 
stammer. 

u I shall conclude by observing, that I have described 
and ascertained the nature of my invention freely to 
you, as to a man who will not infringe upon my pa- 
tent, but who will assist it with the public, as the 
specification is neither false nor defective; at any rate, 



38 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

I think it deserves a trial. A word to the wise is 
enough, though that doctrine would destroy many a 
fine orator, and ruin the sale of my little public 
speaker, whom I wish to speak to some purpose, and 
to be paid for speaking, otherwise his argument would 
amount to nothing, which I believe is always the case 
where nothing is to be gained. 

u Trusting, Sir, that you will, through the medium 
of your paper, recommend the pocketloquist to the 
public as an ingenious and useful invention, 
I am, with great respect, 
Your most obedient humble servant, 

PETER PARROT." 

Magpie Alley, Moorfields. 

With respect to the pocketloquist, I think the thing 
speaks for itself. 

Since the letter I received from the man in armour, 
I have been favoured with a communication from the 
man at the mast head, which I shall give to my 
readers in my next Number. 

I have also received numerous cards of invitation 
to routs, French dinners, petit soupers, cards and balls. 
The great Mameluke cannot be more a subject of 
curiosity than I find myself to be with the town : 
the following are two of the modish cards that I have 
received. 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 39 



<f Lady Moonshine's compliments, will be at home 
in the evening to the Man in the Moon. Tea and 
cards." 

Park Lane, Nov. 2 1st, 1823. 

" Miss Puckersleeve's compliments, requests the 
favour of the Man in the Moon's company on Friday 
night, to her Bal Masque." 

Port-man Square, Nov. 2\st, IS 03. 

I don't think that I can go to either. 

The Man in the Moon is not, however, adverse to 
the recreations of the fashionable world, which he 
considers to have been much improved within two or 
three years past ; professed gambling at the houses of 
distinguished ladies has decreased, and dramatic per- 
formances, music, readings, &c. often constitute the 
entertainments of the evening ; these may be ma- 
naged so as to aiford mental satisfaction, and the 
good old sentiment, " May the pleasures of the even- 
ing bear the morning's reflection," be exemplified. 
The petit soupers of refined and elegant people are 
delectable treats of conversation more than of viands, 
and wit, chaste repartee, and good humoured mirth 
constitute the choice repast of the evening. Yet 
even these should be managed with economy, or the 
donor may suffer private anguish in the midst of pub- 
lic entertainment, and feel all the misery extrava- 
gance purchases, as the price of ill-judged pleasure. 



40 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

All that is wanted, is that the ranks of society may 
cease to measure, in the scale of contempt, the inabi- 
lities of each other, that they may accept from friends 
of moderate fortunes, who have merit and taste, an 
economy of table, infinitely more grateful than all the 
luxuries of food and wine, where merit and taste is 
not. 

It might reasonably be expected that, if any peo- 
ple ought to know the best means of being happy, 
and of enjoying life, it should be those whose educa- 
tion and circumstances set them above the prejudices 
and necessities that so much hurt the manners of the 
lower orders ; and it would be so, if the great did not, 
as it were, invent plagues, and cares, totally abstracted 
from their condition, as if purposely to assist in equa- 
lizing the dispensations of Providence, and to make 
themselves common sharers of anxiety with the rest 

of mankind. 

z. 



THE 

MAN IN THE MOON. 



" SPERANDUS." 
To be hoped for. 



Number VI. Wednesday, 30th Nov. 1803, 

AT would be for the happiness of man if he could 
be once engaged to a fair and honest considera- 
tion of those differences of opinion in religious mat- 
ters, which have for so many ages disturbed and dis- 
membered society, and nourished the poisonous scions 
of hatred sprung up with prejudice and error. And 
yet nothing appears to be more easy among the truly 
good, than to determine what is pure religion ; they 
will have little else to do than to examine its analogy 
with nature, and reason, and that affected difference 
of opinion, which has so long shaken and destroyed 
the happiness of society, would be made to yield to 
certain and fixed principles of truth, on which none 
could differ, and an universal assent give peace to the 
world. The modes of faith would then be no more 
than different ways of giving praise to God, and of 
promoting his grand design, the happiness of his 
creatures. 

I confess that when I see the Protestant in his 
church, the Roman Catholic in his chapel, or the 



42 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

Bramin in his mosque, all addressing the same deity, 
I feel love and respect for each, and venerate the duty 
they are engaged in, without any comparisons what- 
ever; and I believe, that if the different religions of 
the universe were fairly appreciated, few or none 
would be found that do not contain large portions of 
good for the happiness of man. They all possess a 
sovereign power over his mind, and he acts under a 
delightful impression that connects him with the deity 
anpl a future state, things agreeable to his nature, and 
that make him cheerful, and satisfied under the mis- 
fortunes of life. 

To a truly philosophical mind it is by no means a 
vain hypothesis, that the soul is an emanation of the 
divine nature; since it does appear, when abstracted 
from worldly pursuits, to contain a great share of 
purity. The mind of man is not then, perhaps, what 
the great Mr. Locke has conceived it to be, a mere 
tabula rasa, a blank sheet; but rather a space oc- 
cupied by the divine essence, and which contains the 
attributes of the divinity love and truth. Hence, 
perhaps, our lively impression of a deity, which 
is the effect of outward perception acting on a pre- 
disposition to receive what is true. The attributes of 
the deity, engraven as the characters of a talisman on 
the mind of man, may then be gradually called forth 
from childhood by a proper education, which may en- 
courage the predisposition to good, or it may become 
injured and defaced by improper education, bad ex- 
amples, or habitual vice. Another strong argument 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 43 

in favour of this doctrine is, that the principle of good 
appears primary, and agreeable to the nature of man, 
and the principle of evil, negative and contrary ; for 
the mind ever receives a bad impulse unwillingly, and 
merely consents, a sufficient proof surely that evil is 
not congenial to the mind of man. On the contrary, 
a good impulse is entertained without reluctance, 
we do not blush or hesitate, and we feel that it 
is right. The principle of good also frequently exerts 
itself in the most depraved minds, and struggles for its 
lawful sovereignty, and, perhaps, gains it for an in- 
stant, until its activity is again destroyed by fresh 
temptations, or the habits of vice. 

The pure and sublime conceptions to which the 
human mind reaches at times, when abstracted from 
the business of the world, or engaged in contem- 
plation, is a proof of the existence of a creator ; when 
the mind becomes thus pure, it seems to mix with the 
nature of the deity, and evil retires altogether, as if 
unable to exist in so pure a state of the mind ; it is 
then that man feels that he is immortal. 

The principle of truth fills and pervades the uni- 
verse; it governs and directs the movements of nature; 
it has given instinct to the animal creation; it in- 
structs men in the shape of reason, and flows still 
more plenteously into his mind through the medium 
of religion. In nature it displays itself in the sym- 
metry and harmony of her works ; in man, in the har- 
mony of his mind, and wherever one or the other is 



44 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

disturbed, a shock is felt in the organization, which 
it appears to be the great business of providence to 
restore and replace. 

The principle of truth is so valuable and benign in 
its nature to man, that were it possible for him to re- 
gulate his actions by it, moral and physical evil would 
almost become extinct. This from the weakness of 
his nature cannot happen. The principle of truth 
might however become more known and established 
in the world, and moral and physical evil would de- 
crease in an equal ratio. If men were better agreed 
in the business of their own happiness, ambition would 
have nothing to do, blood would be no longer spilt in 
war, man would not oppose his brother man in the 
ranks of slaughter, and the invading foe, in disgust 
with their leader, would lay down their arms and pre- 
sent the olive branch. The family of the common- 
wealth would enjoy itself, the poor would have their 
comforts, and the rich cherish the substantial blessings 
of life, morals would guard the actions of men better 
than laws, adultery, drunkenness, profaneness and 
fraud would be forsook, and to do unto another as 
you would wish he should do unto you, become the 
wisdom of the world. 

It is then from the want of fixed principles that 
we are wretched, nor is there any thing that can tem- 
per the mind like religion; since the proposition is 
self evident, that whatever tends to the happiness of 
man is good, and that therefore if religion, by its pre- 



THE MAN IN THE MOON, 4 > 

cepts, engages the heart to acts of love and virtue, it 
must tend to the happiness of man, and is of the 
highest value to him ; and that religion is the best 
which is best suited to calm the passions, and to make 
those impressions that serve to establish right prin- 
ciples. 

It appears plain enough to a* candid mind, that 
all religions are derived from the same grand principle 
.of good, and are all engaged in the same cause — the 
glory of their creator, and the happiness of man. Why 
then shall trifling differences of form dissever beautiful 
analogies, which might reciprocally tend to the happi- 
ness of all in the intercourse of men and of nations. 

But a still more dangerous attempt has been 
made against religion than the warfare of sects, and 
that is from the atheist, the enemy of all, who would 
endeavour to separate her from, and hold her nature 
to be inconsistent with reason; when the truth is, that 
reason and religion never appear to so much advan- 
tage as when they are hand in hand together; they 
seem then to encircle and embrace all that is good and 
delightful for man, and under their joint influence he 
is safe and happy. 

The fact is, after all, that nothing has ever yet 
been said against the beauties and advantages of re- 
ligion; it has been its deviations, the absurdities of 
priestcraft, the cunning or ignorance of its teachers, 
that have despoiled its fairness and purity, and done 



46 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

it injury. Men, desirous of as little restraint as pos- 
sible in their actions, have willingly listened to this 
false evidence against her for their own corrupt ends, 
and to clear the way for licentiousness. 

To pursue the chain of reasoning that, that religion 
is best that is best calculated for the happiness of man. 
After allowing full'justice to the purity of other doc- 
trines, it will not be difficult to prove that the christian 
religion is the best. It is the most perfect, because it 
agrees most with reason, and by the doctrine -of me- 
diator, relieves man from the doubt and dread in 
which the weakness and infirmity of his nature had 
involved him. 

But the christian religion, pure as it was in its 
primitive state, became in the hands of ambitious and 
wicked men a medium for the commission of crimes, 
and of all manner of indulgences, until the protestant 
faith cleared it in a great degree from the dregs of su- 
perstition. Yet hear an enlightened catholic discourse, 
and you will find that he disowns the absurdities, 
or explains them satisfactorily to reason ; thus the 
kneeling down to an image is not, as the vulgar ima- 
gine, to worship it, but merely to engage the mind to 
a contemplation of a heavenly subject, and to keep it 
from wandering and distraction; and confession, on 
which protestants lay so much stress, nothing more 
than the unburthening of the mind to a good man, 
who gives his consolation, advice, and prayer ; and 
which is the same thing used by protestants when 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 47 



they have a clergyman sent for to a dying friend. 
Strip then any religion of the superstitions and ab- 
surdities priestcraft has introduced, and it will every 
where be found of a pure nature, though perhaps not 
in the same degree. It is unjust and unfriendly in 
man to hate his brother because providence has made 
him the inhabitant of another soil, and follower of ano- 
ther faith; teach him the greater excellence, if lie will 
listen, but do not call him heretic or unbeliever; even 
the deist deserves pity, for his mind is in a state of 
privation from the greatest solace of religious hope, 
and in denying a mediator he becomes forlorn and 
wretched. 

The christian religion is pure in all its parts, and 
the Sermon on the Mount a perfect system of morals. 
The judicious restraints which are imposed upon the 
passions of men set the limits perhaps too narrow for 
human weakness absolutely to keep; but the bounda- 
ries are those of safety : thus when it is said, " that if 
any man smite thee on the one cheek, turn unto him the 
other also," it is not meant in its literal sense ; but to 
shew that it is better not to resent violence with vio- 
lence, and to shew also the strength of meekness, 
which in the just is an impregnable tower that no- 
thing can successfully assail. 

The next maxim against which new philosophers 
have cavilled, with as little justice as the former, is 
the one, " that if any man sue thee at the law and take 
away thy cloak, let him have thy coat also;" but the 



48 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 



experience of common life among those who have been 
involved in litigation, shews the true wisdom of the 
precept; indeed the whole of the Sermon may very 
well be said to comprise the lesson of how to live, as 
well as how to die. What is wanting in the world is 
more of love and charity, and there is nothing that 
can disseminate them better than the precepts of 
Christianity ; I do not say this hastily, but in a long 
and mature consideration of the subject, I have seen 
the course of happy and tranquil hours that have at- 
tended upon families accustomed to the duties of reli- 
gion, blessed in the disposition of their minds, and in 
all the circumstances of their lives content and 
happy. 

I hope that the Man in the Moon will not be thought 
sententious or grave ; I assure my readers that it is not 
so, I am as merry and cheerful as they could wish ; 
but I do not like to see religion, that should bind all 
men to each other, unjustly made a barrier to their 
friendly intercourse ; it is not the character it de- 
serves, and man alone perversely misunderstands it. 

z. 



The communication from the Man at the Mast Head ziillbe in the 
the next Number. 



THE 



MAN IN THE MOON. 



" NAUTICUS CANTUS." 



NUMBER VII. Saturday, 3d Dec. 1803, 

JlN a former Number I believe that I urged the ex* 
pediency of employing all the latent military talent 
that could be found in the country. That I was not 
wrong in such recommendation I feel more satisfied 
every day. The volunteer corps ought certainly to have 
been officered chiefly from the line, that the influence 
of soldierly example might have made men soldiers. 
It is my duty now to speak of another department, 
of the spirit and talent to be found in the English 
navy; and here it is grateful to give a tribute to 
bravery and merit. The character of a naval officer 
is finely formed ; it comprises a high sense of honour 
and courage, with a friendliness of nature and gene- 
rosity of mind that is conspicuous even to an enemy. 
Our seamen are rough, hardy, and honest ; regular in 
the points of their duty, disdaining all fatigue and 
danger when the service requires it. The bad part of 
a ship's company are only a few landsmen, who may 
be found among what are called wasters, or afterguard, 
and who may have been desperate characters on 
shore. 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 



Perhaps the manners of the naval officer may have 
become more refined of late years ; but it has not 
injured his spirit or bravery; in fact, where such 
principles govern, it is not much matter as to the 
manners, they cannot easily displease. We recollect, 
with pleasure, Lieutenant Bowling in Roderic Random, 
drawn from the life ; and naval people still speak of 
Jack Cooling, a real character, who some years ago 
commanded the Ruby. Jack being appointed, went to 
Deptford, to his ship, and ascended her side with a 
leg of mutton in his right hand, calling at the same 
time for the boatswain and the cook ; the first he or- 
dered to hoist the pendant, and the next to boil the 
leg of mutton. The boatswain, however, who was as 
rough as the commander, and who did not know him, 
only replied: — " Hoist the pendant for you, and be 

d d to ye! who the devil are you?" Jack only 

made a sour face at the boatswain, and unbuttoning 
his great coat his uniform was discovered, and the 
commander instantly obeyed, with many apologies 
for the mistake. It was not long before the ship was 
manned, and ready for sea, for every seaman liked 
Jack Cooling. Jack having heard that it was usual to 
make a speech to the ship's company, had all hands 
called; and being a very little man, ascended an arm- 
chest for the purpose. Every tar was silent with ad- 
miration ; Jack began, " Harkee ! my name's Jack 
Cooling, and if you don't do your duty, d — n me if I 
don't cool ye." The tars gave three cheers, and one 
and all declared, that they never had heard such a 
fine speech in all their lives. It is impossible not to 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 51 

feel high regard for the bluntness and hardihood of this 
honest seaman. 

If, however, the manners of the officers of the navy 
have become more polished, they have lost nothing of 
their original character ; and a most gallant seaman of 
the present day, who is an accomplished gentleman, 
proves how easily the characters may be united. A 
few years ago a person, who had to see this officer, 
(since created a knight) found him preparing for 
the drawing-room, and was struck with the elegance of 
his address and manners; but having occasion to wait 
on him a few days afterwards, was told that he might 
meet him at the Royal Exchange, where he was treat- 
ing with the master of a merchantman to go out a 
passenger to Sweden. The gentleman went to the 
proper walk, on 'Change, but could see nobody like 

Capt. S ; at last he observed a man in a blue 

great coat, with a silk handkerchief round his neck, of 
whom he thought he might make enquiries, which 
he did; but was perfectly astonished when he heard 

the stranger, on being asked if he knew Capt. S , 

of the navy, answer " Yes, I am Capt. S ." — 

" You! what Capt. S who I saw the other day 

going to court?" — " Yes, Sir." Nothing could equal 
the astonishment of the man, who declared that the 
Captain was the most elegant amphibious animal that 
he had ever seen, and that he could live just as well 
on shore as at sea. 

There is a noble and true independence in the cha- 



o2 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

racter of a seaman, that makes him superior to the 
ordinary difficulties of life. He can sleep in any place, 
because he can sling his hammock any where; is glad 
to eat any thing, because he considers eating as only 
necessary to hunger, and the plainest morsel is to him 
a luxury; care has very little to do with him, because 
his honestly stubborn breast never yields to its attacks, 
except it comes with an appeal to his humanity. 

The superiority of a sailor's mind over circum- 
stances that would affect a landsman was exemplified 
not long ago, where a sailor was involved in debt. 
Jack was taken in by a Jew agent, at Portsmouth, 
to a considerable amount, and after the receipt by 
the Jew of the pay under his power of attorney, Moses 
still brought him in a debtor. Jack grumbled, pleaded 
his want of power and his intentions in vain; the Jew 
was inflexible, and at last, with great harshness told 
him, that as he was discharged, unless the money 
should be immediately paid, he would send him to 
prison. Jack looked grave, turned the quid of to- 
bacco two or three times in his mouth, and looking 
the usurer full in the face made his exit ; but in 
half an hour afterwards returned with a bundle in 
his hand, to the great joy of the Jew, who thought 
that he had brought the money, or some clothes as a 
pledge. Jack stood still, looking at the Jew, who 
asked him, " Vel, vat d'ye vants, Mister Jack ?" — 
" Want ! why I'm waiting for sailing orders, to be 
sure; you said as how I was to go to limbo, and here 
I am ready to get under-way as soon as you please." 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 53 

The astonished Jew had not a syllable to reply ; but 
found that it was certainly no use to send Jack to 
prison. Thus, what would have been a serious mis- 
fortune to a landsman, was only the inconvenience of 
an hour to Jack, in the preparation for his trip to 
jail. These are the minds opposed to an enemy, who 
must ever be unsuccessful against the valour and in- 
trepidity of men whose fortitude rises in proportion to 
the danger they meet. 

The following is the letter received from the man 

AT THE MAST HEAD : 



cc TO MISTER THE MAN IN THE MOON, ESQUIRE, 
** Fleet Street, London, or elsezvhere. 



" On board the Dreadnought, Channel, Nor. 24th, 1803. 
u HONOURED SIR, 

" You must know as how that I have had a good 
spell every day for the last week at the mast head, 
keeping a sharp look out for Mr. Bonyparte; who 
hasn't yet hove into sight. As you are the Man in 
the Moon, and for that reason always up aloft, you 
could tell us, as if you would, what tack he is upon, 
starboard or larboard : Sam Swab, one of our after- 
guard, who was a conjurer's clerk, in the Old Bailey, 
says as how you can cast a nativity as easy as I can 
heave the lead, and that you can tell what's to be 
put into the log-book for a month to come. You 
must know that I does'nt much believe Sam, because 
he's a lubber, and one of the king's hard bargains, 



04 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

as we call it, and don't know a crow from a handspike, 
or the main tack from the top-gallant haulyards ; but 
if you will only tell us now when this said Mr. 
Buonaparte is to stand in for the shore of Old England, 
I shall take it kind, as it will save me many a dog-watch 
upon the crosstrees; and if you come down some night 
through the wind-sail, or through any other channel 
you please, we shall be glad to see you in our mess, on 
the starboard side of the main hatchwaj^. Bob Crank, 
Bill Splice-um, and Dick Mizen, arje my messmates, 
three as good fellows as ever broke a sea biscuit, we will 
give some grub out of the locker; that is, a bowl of 
lobscouse, pork, and pease soup to put into your hold, 
and some grog. Do you know that I often take a 
peep at your ugly phiz, when I'm on the yard-arm, 
hauling out the weather-earing of the foretop sail, to 
take in a reef; but perhaps you don't know Bob Bin- 
nacle. I shall hand ye over in my next an account 
as long as the maintop bowline of our station in 
the- Channel, with the bearings and distances of the 
enemy, and the latitude and longitude of what they 
can do. I can only tell ye, for the present, that if 
they get to the windward of our cruizers, it must be 
with a Hammond's nip*. Our purser, who is a droll 
dog, and apt to crack jokes, says, that he thinks Mis- 
ter Bonyparte will look very foolish when he is near 
Scilly ; and as for the Western coast, it is all my eye 
Betty Martin, for there he will have an iron-bound 

* A Hammond's nip is a fine perfection in steering, by which it is 
possible to weather a point, or a vessel, not practicable to do by any 
other means. 



THE MAN IN THE MOON, 55 

shore, and the Taffies to talk to ; so you see that he 
Will stand no more chance than a cat without claws. 
Steady boys, that's all ; luff, no near, as ye go now, 
get by us if you can; every man to his station, and 
the cook to the foresheet. ' You understand me. 
" Yours, until death, 



In addition to the above I have just received the 
following : 

cc MOST POTENT POTENTATE OF THE MOON, 

cc It is long since that I have refreshed myself un- 
der the influence of thy planet, and basked in its 
beams; I have watched the New Moon, and felt its 
approach with delight ; it is then that I feel my dig- 
nities resumed, and that I am a prince. The Prince 
of Plaistow is my name, and love, with its soft se- 
ducing syren sweets, has preyed upon me; but what 
of that, I am no longer a victim. Softly she came 
across the lawn attired like a Roman virgin; her 
bosom rich and tempting as Mantuan grapes; her 
eyes beaming with the fulness of the delights of love, 
but me she saw not ; her form was perfect, her steps 
were measured to the soft movements of harmony, 
and she never tripped. Oh! let me contemplate those 
actions that first en wrapt me in delight ; my dominions 
are at her service, my crown is laid at her feet, my 
sceptre is hers ; but she is false, is faithless, is fri- 
volous ; no, no, never more ; yet thou art adorable, 
the universe is at thy feet, a ^niice of Plaistow 



56 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

bends to thee lovely Pharonida. Use thy soft influ- 
ence, beauteous Cynthia, to make tender the heart of 
Pharonida, for it is as hard as the rock against which 
the ocean beats in vain. A black heavy cloud has 
just hid thee from my sight, and I am in despair ; 
confusion, horror, rage, fury, love, war, thunder, 
music, and distraction. 

" Farewell, 

" THE PRINCE OF PLAISTOW." 

The Incurable Ward, Bedlam, 
Full Moon. 

Such are the effects of love, and the Prince seems 
to have taken the inoculation very completely; there 
seems to be little fear that he will ever have the com- 
plaint again, even in an epidemic. 

z. 



THE 

MAN IN THE MOON. 



Polly matete cry town is my deskalon." 

Partridge, Fielding's Tom Jones. 



NUMBER VIII. Wednesday, 1th Deo. 1803. 

XT may become a subject of curious investigation 
among philosophers, whether the Man in Moon ever 
sleeps; probably they may sometime or other catch 
him nodding, or at least find him so dull and heavy as 
nearly to determine the fact. However, to save them 
the trouble of further enquiry, he candidly avows, that 
he does, at times, close his eyes, and shut his mouth 
upon occasion, like other people; and the better to 
establish the truth of the position, and introduce him- 
self to the notice of a large class of the community, 
called dreamers, he will relate an extraordinary vision 
that he had only a few nights since, which, whether it 
was the effect of the images floating in his brain of 
what he had seen going on upon earth, or a mere mis- 
Tepresentation of them, he cannot, at present, deter- 
mine. 

About ten o'clock of the night of the first day of 
December instant, being fatigued with turning over a 
variety of incongruous matter, or lumber of the earth, 
the Man in the Moon fell into a dose, and fancied 






•58 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

himself, as is frequently the case with other people, 
wide awake. He imagined the printer of these sheets 
on his right hand, and that he, the Man in the Moon, 
was very gravely enquiring into the purport of a great 
bustle below, in words nearly as follows : " Bless me, 
what are these innumerable hordes, apparently savages, 
issuing forth from all corners, and covering the land ? 
Instead of ensigns, they seem to carry an immense 
volume before them, the sheets open, and the contents 
as mysterious and ambiguous as the sibyllini versus. 
I am afraid that nothing can be collected from them, 
yet I discover in large capitals the word \ income/ 
which seems to dwindle and diminish the longer one 
looks at it. Truly, however, the bearers of these co- 
lours appear an effective corps, they seem constantly 
upon the alert, and ready for action, they are doubtless 
rifle men. How long have they been brigaded ? Is this 
the dreaded descent ! and are they called marauders 
or invaders? Doubtless they are marching to obtain a 
collection after dinner from those liberal gentlemen 
seated round a table at yonder hotel, and who have 
ordered all the luxuries of a French kitchen ; what a 
variety of dishes for this necessitous troop to partake 
of — des matelotes d'anguilles et des carpes, des cote- 
lettes etonne et surpris, des becasses et des becassines, 
des omelettes superbes, with hock, claret, and Bur- 
gundy, followed by caffee and the most exquisite li- 
queurs, absinthe, and abricot; what immense wealth! 
surely the partakers of so sumptuous a table will, at 
least, be able to pay tivo shillings in the pound; or, 
perhaps, this chosen troop of sharp-shooters are de- 



THE MAN IN THE' MOON. 59 

stined to make an attack on that superb pastry shop. 
Methinks I see them already among the jellies and 
savoury pates, or sipping the creme de rose, and capi- 
laire. Pray, heaven, that they may not assail the 
roast beef or plumb pudding on the table of that de- 
cent family, now sitting over their meal, and counting 
out their rent for their landlord, and who, I observe, 
have only a few pounds left them. ,, 

The Man in the Moon went on in this incoherent 
strain, the offspring of his disordered imagination for 
some time, when his friend, the printer, assured him 
of his mistake ; and that what he took to be a new- 
raised regiment were nothing more than a troop of 
tax-gatherers; that they were nearly complete, and 
would soon know their exercise, which they were to 
learn as well in houses, as in the fields; that they 
would shortly understand charging, and surcharging, 
and go through the whole of their manoeuvres with 
skill and adroitness. 

At this explanation the Man in the Moon awoke, 
and being now come to his senses, I shall, in my pro- 
per person, that is, in the first person singular, offer 
some reflections on the remarkable subject of my 
dream, the great business of taxation. 

Adam Smith, in his Wealth of Nations, defines 
the principle of taxation as follows: — cf That the sub- 
jects of every state ought to contribute towards 
the support of the government, as nearly as possible, 



60 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 



in proportion to their respective abilities," and this 
proposition must be admitted. To determine there- 
fore, the character of a new tax, we have only to dis- 
cover how far it is from, or how near it is to, this fair 
and just admeasurement; for it has been the mistaken 
arithmetic of modern politicians to seek to supply the 
exigencies of the state by an equal distribution from 
the hands of the people, apportioned to their probable 
incomes, measuring their respective abilities by one and 
the same scale, without regard to the circumstances 
that vary the different situations of men of the same in- 
come. The point of taxation should be with the power 
of the individual, and it should cease whenever it press- 
es too hard on the deserving and industrious man. 
A just and equal tax upon income is ruled by the 
like principle of people at a tavern, who are called upon 
to pay the reckoning, where each should subscribe his 
share ; yet if one of them is unintentionally unable, 
the rest of them make up the amount among them, 
anticipating the cruel exposition of his finances ; or, 
indeed, an Income Tax ought to be made on the same 
principle as a bakers parish pudding. Every body, 
who knows any thing of a baker in a country town, 
knows that the family have every Sunday what is, 
called a parish pudding, which is made without much 
trouble; as the baker's wife has only to take a little out 
of every batter, or rice pudding that comes to the oven, 
but then she is always very careful to collect from 
the best and largest, the largest spoonfuls, leaving 
the homely puddings made' of poor materials unmo- 
lested. 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 61 

The mistake of modern financiers is derived from 
their having more knowledge of Cocker's Arithmetic, 
than of common life, for they very wisely and profound- 
ly infer, that if A. being worth ten thousand pounds per 
annum, pays live hundred pounds tax, that B. having 
only one hundred pounds yearly income, will only pay 
five pounds tax; not at all considering that it is never- 
theless unequal from the inequalities of the situation 
of A. and B.; as the one has scarcely enough for the 
common necessaries of life, and the other a super- 
abundance. The arithmetic of an Income Tax may 
then take a dividend from a man who has nothing to 
spare, or perhaps a small uncertain profit inadequate 
to the common purposes of life ; nor will supervisors 
charitably make an abatement for those imperious de- 
mands which propriety enforces on persons of cer- 
tain situations in life, even after all the odiousness of 
exposition. Thus the man who is obliged to make a 
decent appearance in society suffers all the injuries of 
degradation from the effect of an insupportable tax. 

There is always superflux enough in a country to 
furnish the supplies of the most expensive war. It is 
the wisdom of taxation to find out the superfluities, 
and there to fix, till it may suck out the poison of 
excess, and by a virtuous subtraction lessen the mo- 
ral and physical evils of life; taxation would then be 
made subservient to morals, and ministers become the 
economical surveyors of wholesome provisions for the 
people, a new appointment. But all ministers are not 
Mentors, they sometimes, like other people, wait for 



6*2 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

experience to inform them of facts. The distress and 
inconvenience of an Income Tax soon appears among 
the middling classes, labouring with a dubious income, 
and using useless endeavours to keep up their credit, 
the payment of their rent, their baker's and butcher's 
bills, &c. in a constant state of insolvency in expec- 
fancy, because, perhaps, they are honest enough to 
reject the artificial means of credit, too commonly 
made use of in the present day, by the mutual accom- 
modations of paper, taught them from higher authority. 
It is then from the sources of real wealth and inde- 
pendence that the exigencies of a state should be sup- 
plied, and not from the scanty pittances of incapacity. 
Let the rich, whose superabundance is a grievous evil 
to them, bear the onus of taxation, so as it does not 
abate one truly rational, or even elegant enjoyment 
that their educations, manners, and minds give them 
a title to 5 it will not harm them to have less to 
squander on cards, dice, horses, masquerades, French 
dinners, hot soupers, and rural breakfasts. It might 
even be the means of allowing them to pay their 
debts, as if they would, on the score of heavy taxa- 
tion, retrench the gaudy trappings of their houses, 
they might possibly find that they would not know 
what to do with the residue of their savings for tax 
money. 

Another thing worthy consideration is, that when- 
ever any class is oppressed by the effect of an injudi- 
cious taxation, that part is lost to the community -, it be- 
comes faint, inert, useless, discouraged, and fettered by 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 63 

inconveniences, and the disgrace of poverty, its spirit 
droops, and more is subtracted from the public treasury, 
than the excessive burthen of the tax brings into it. 
Numerous are the articles of luxury that would yet 
bear taxation, or an increase of taxation, which would 
never be felt by the voluptuous consumer, but parti- 
cularly those are worthy the notice of financiers, 
which are the exquisite entremets or messes of wise 
and ingenious cooks, where the plain and wholesome 
is rejected for des viandes tres succulente, tres excel- 
lente, et tres superbe ; certainly epicurism cannot 
grudge to pay additional for any thing got up with 
so much taste, and so delightful to the appetite. 

I observe that the new Income Bill requires a re- 
turn of the names of all ideots and lunatics resident in 
Great Britain. I am afraid that the list will be found to 
be enormous, and at least take ten thousand reams of 
fool's cap. Indeed, I am afraid from the next decla- 
ration that I shall myself become liable, being a 
lunatic, not resident in England; but for whom my 
guardian, trustee, or receiver, the bookseller, will, by 
virtue of the act, be made chargeable. 

The idea of so many ideots and lunatics suggests 
to my mind the propriety of a poll tax on that rich 
and numerous class of the community ; it would, 
doubtless, bring in an immense sum to the Treasury, 
particularly, according to the opinion of the late Mr. 

W -s, who having been told by a gentleman that 

he should take the sense of the city upon an impor- 
tant question, replied : — " Very well, Sir, do -, and 



64 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

I'll take the nonsense of the city, and beat you ten to 
one.'* Now supposing Mr. W — 's calculation to be 
correct, the tax would be extremely productive in that 
part of London, nor would the thing be attended with 
much trouble, as a board of wise commissioners might 
be appointed, assisted by medical men, to ascertain 
the precise quantity of brains contained in each head, 
which should pay in proportion to the deficiency, to 
make up, if possible, what is wanting to society. 

In addition to the above, another numerous class 
might become the objects of taxation ; these are the 
lazy, (for the blind and the lame I would excuse) a 
very efficient return might be made of these inefficient 
beings, and they would, by this means, bring more 
into community than could otherwise be possibly 
expected. 

In this tax, however, there must certainly be an 
exception as to statesmen, great lawyers, and phy- 
sicians; for these gentlemen, doubtless, come under 
the description of wise heads, and are therefore ex- 
empt from the duty, nor will it be proper that they 
should undergo an examination before the Board of 
Wisdom, lest by any jealousy of the commissioners, 
or other accident, they might be reported wanting. 



THE 



MAN IN THE MOON 



Say, what is taste, but the internal pow'rs 
Active, and strong, and feelingly alive 
To each fine impulse ? a discerning sense 
Of decent and sublime, with quick disgust 
For things deform'd, or disarrang'd, or gross 
In species. 

AKENSIDE, 



NUMBER IX. Saturday, lOthDec. 1803. 

A ERHAPS in no epoch of history has the wretched 
poverty of true genius and of taste been more appa- 
rent than at the present time. That pureness of in- 
tellect, soundness of judgment, and moral of the mind, 
that adorned other ages, seems exhausted in this, so 
that scarcely any thing is left but a debilitated tone 
of taste (if I may be allowed the expression) that re- 
quires a constant stimulus to satisfy its false and de- 
praved appetite; no longer pleased with the whole- 
some food of recreation, reason, and common sense, it 
seems to delight only in the twice laid dishes cooked 
up by managers and authors, who have felt the sickly 
pulse of the town, and know the relaxation of solid 
sense, under which it labours. Yet all is vain, these 
messes, garnished with high seasoned absurdities, may 
act as stimulants for the moment, but will, in the end, 
pall and sicken the understanding. How many car- 
diacs has the fertile invention of modern drama- 



66 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 



tists mixed up secundum artcm, to please an audi- 
ence, gaping to take in the grossest deformities of 
novelty, baited by the skilful anglers of public favour. 
This career of nonsense commenced about three or 
four years ago, when in solemn procession enter O. P. 
two stately elephants; sometime afterwards a little 
monkey was engaged for the purpose of skipping 
about, scratching his ears, &c. to entertain the boxes, 
for to do the galleries justice they do not like any 
thing so low. The next was an elegant dumb cha- 
racter, who was too graceful to use any stuttering or 
stammering natural to some of those unhappy beings, 
but who presented a finished address and perfect ac- 
tion, that made the deformity an advantage ; but to 
display the highest degree of stage effect, it was ne- 
cessary the next season to produce to the public a 
pretty little baby, who was to be dandled in the arms 
of an hero. It used to be an observation of an excel- 
lent dramatic author of the present day, that he al- 
ways wished that it was the reign of Herod, whenever 
he saw a child brought upon the stage > and yet this 
same author, in conformity, no doubt, with the puling 
taste of the town, stept up into the nursery himself for 
a little poppet to insure the success of his piece ; and 
certainly speaking with true dramatic feeling, if little 
master had been included in the Herodian anathema, 
it would not have mattered a great deal. Pity it is 
that authors, who are capable of painting characters 
of real life, should disturb from their cradles poor little 
innocents, who would be far best at home. Yet not 
a great while ago, one of these was about to be cut in 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 67 

pieces for the entertainment of an audience, it was 
said, agreeable to the judgment of Solomon, though I 
am of opinion that it did not shew the judgment of 
the author to offer such a spectacle to the public. 
But the reader may judge the astonishment of the 
Man in the Moon when he heard, in addition to these 
prodigies, a report ascend to his lunar mansion, that 
the next novelty of the stage was to be a large New- 
foundland dog; it was natural to suppose that the 
critics would growl and grumble at the innovation, 
but never did an amateur of the drama sustain the fa- 
tigue of the insipid representation of the musical en- 
tertainment called the c Caravan/ with more fortitude 
than I did, tortured every instant with the greatest 
improbabilities, the harlequinade of a governor de- 
scending from the window of his castle at a cry of 
fire, without the usual alarm from the sentries; by 
which his excellency is the first out of danger, with 
the hackneyed tink a tinka of the Mountaineers, and 
which has been renewed in almost every new mu- 
sical entertainment since, to fascinate, with the at- 
titudes of the graceful Decamp, the dramatic cen- 
sors into gentleness and peace ; yet, oh nature ! 
without thy help, what would all the dress and fancy 
of art avail? one incident from thy choice store of 
materials can conquer the heart in a moment, and 
make the sternest critic yield; the child of the marquis 
is hurled into the stream, which incident alone, would 
have occasioned more of horror than of any other sen- 
sation; but the heart is enwrapt in delight and love for 
the trusty faithful animal, who at his master's call 
plunges into the flood, and brings the infant safe to 



68 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

land. One feels a desire to call out " bravo," and to 
pat the honest animal on the head. 

I cannot conceive by what species of jealousy, or 
narrowness of mind, the faithful Carlo was not included 
in the Dram. Pers. I know very well the strict eti- 
quette among performers, as to where each, according 
to his rank, is to be placed in the play-bill, yet I think 
that the poor honest dog might have been permitted 
to have followed his master; certainly his merits are 
as great as any other performer, he plays true to na- 
ture, catches genuine applause, makes no long unjust 
pauses before he makes his leap to prepossess the au- 
dience with what he is going to do, and trusts to na- 
ture alone for success. Certainly the dog might af- 
ford some lessons of good acting to the performers of 
the present day. z. 



TO THE MAN IN THE MOON. 



Id arbitror 



Adprime in vita esse utile tie quid ni mis. 

Ter. Andr. Act I, sc. I, 



" SIR, 



" Having felt the inconvenience of being addicted 
in conversation to the use of any favourite or particu- 
lar expression, I take this opportunity of warningothcrs 
from the same practice, and to request your advice 
how I myself may avoid it in future. My obnoxious 
phrase is — -" if in case — ;" and my friends tell me, 
that I cannot express two ideas together without in- 
troducing it to their great annoyance. I have been in 
the constant use of this sentence from my school days x 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 6$ 

and though I could never yet discover any mischief it 
has done to others,! feel very sensibly, to this moment, 
its effects on myself; for I had once a whimsical old 
uncle, with whom, in other respects, I was a favourite, 
but to whom the use of my favourite phrase was so 
disagreeable, that he promised to make me his sole 
heir, if in case I would leave it off. For some time 
before his death I succeeded to my wishes, and believe 
I did not use it in his hearing for the last six 
months of his life, till the day before his death; when 
I most unfortunately stumbled on my old habit again, 
by informing him how great would be my grief if in 
case he should die. The old man was as good as his 
word. He immediately sent for his lawyer, and altered 
his will in favour of my younger brother, who, he was 
sure, would never offend the world by the use of that, 
or any other particular phrase, being both deaf and 
dumb. Such is my fate; and if in case you can make 
use of it in your lectures for the benefit of any fellow 
sinner in this particular, you are welcome to do it. 

" I am, &c. 

f< T. IX" 

I cannot but think my correspondent was too S6* 
verely punished for his little failing, and take his word 
for the singularity of his uncle's character : yet as our 
passing with the world depends on the aggregate of a 
thousand little things, I beg leave to caution my 
readers against a similar practice. I once knew a man 
whose favourite word was "probably" -■> and he, like my 
correspondent T. D. could not express two ideas to- 
gether without making use of it. Jndeed it came so 



70 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

readily on his tongue, that nothing had been certain 
with him in speech for ten years past; but to the 
clearest truth, or the inference of the most correct 
syllogism, he would only observe " probably it may be 
so." Another could not, for four years of my ac- 
quaintance with him, make a reply to a trifling obser- 
vation without dividing it into firstly, secondly, and 
thirdly 5 nor prove a common truth without giving 
three or four distinct reasons for it. He, however, 
was cured by discovering it inconvenient to be obliged 
to say so much on every subject, and that in the na- 
ture of things, every truth would not admit of four 
reasons in proof of it. A third person, I remember, 
who could talk of nothing but what was cc infinitely 
superior" to something else, and never discovered the 
absurdity of it, till he saw a whole company convulsed 
with laughter at his gravely asserting, that a stool with 
four legs was infinitely superior to one with three, 
when all the world besides would as lief sit on one as 
the other. With respect to my advice on this subject, 
I fear that he whom the danger of being disinherited 
could not reform, is indeed incorrigible ; but at the 
same time beg to remark, that there is hardly any ha- 
bit so fixed, but caution may prevent, and persever- 
ance at length overcome it. There is another class of 
characters who may not unaptly be also noticed here, 
but whose failings are not quite so excuscable or inno- 
cent as that mentioned above. They arc such as 
fancy themselves gifted with superior excellence in 
certain particulars, in which, in fact, they are really 
deficient; and accordingly are for ever displaying their 
fancied excellencies, without perceiving that the world 



THE MAN IN TH# MOON. 7* 

is not inclined to give them the suffrages they demand. 
Leonllla has lately discovered herself to be a great fa- 
vourite of the Muses, and is all the morning long 
stringing together a set of verses which she repeats to 
her friends in the evening ; nor can Leonilla discover 
that the good-natured laugh, and that the less indulgent 
are displeased at her vanity, whilst the learned think 
her verses too contemptible for their criticisms. Lo- 
quacious tires us with long and stupid harangues on 
every thing he touches, because he thinks he talks 
well ; and Co re us grates the ears of every company 
into which he enters, by what he terms singing; whilst 
Tragicus puts them asleep by reciting parts of plays 
without action, expression, or character. Orsin, who 
is a stiff formal man, of about fifty years of age, prides 
himself on the dignity of his carriage, and the peculiar 
ease and gracefulness of his manners; and never fails 
to introduce himself with a multitude of strange mo- 
tions and distortions of body, which give us only the 
idea of a bear affecting the airs of a dancing master. 
Myrtilla is as vain of her dark complexion, because 
she has somewhere heard of the pretty brunettes of 
France, as her friend Laura is of a very prominent, 
feature, far exceeding the line of beauty, because she 
has heard a certain great lady admired for her aquiline 
nose. But the most remarkable instance of the kind 
which has lately come under my notice, is Stent or, a 
gay man, whom nature has furnished with aloud un- 
timable voice ; but who fancies himself gifted with ex- 
traordinary abilities in reading the church service, and 
never yet heard it delivered without shaking his head 
and wishing himself a parson. He accordingly takes 



?2 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

frequent occasions to give his friends specimens' of his 
talent that way, and has been known in the midst of a 
convivial meeting to repeat one of the penitential 
prayers, and at the christening of his last child read 
the burial service aloud, to the great improvement of 
the parson, and the edification of the company. I 
lately paid him a visit with a friend, but was surprised 
at the sudden and abrupt manner in which my com- 
panion hurried me away, till he informed me that he 
had been frightened by a prayer-book which lay on a 
table in one corner of the room. Such characters as 
these will never be reformed whilst they can find 
themselves listened to with politeness, and looked on 
with complacency. They never doubt of their own 
merit, but conclude it to be envy or want of taste in 
others, which has so long deprived them of universal 
admiration. In order, therefore, to cut up the root 
of this evil at once, and for the relief of his Majesty's 
peaceable subjects, I do hereby direct and ordain, that 
from henceforth it shall and may be lawful for any 
person to be inattentive to all such talkers, readers, 
singers, and reciters, and even fall asleep in their com- 
pany if possible ; and also to turn away from all such 
as are evidently attempting to exhibit themselves, 
without its being considered any breach of good man- 
ners, and without any charge of impoliteness to be 
hereafter brought against him for the same. f. 



THE 

MAN IN THE MOON 



(< SOCIATIS LABORIBUS." 

TAC. 



NUMBER X. Wednesday, Uth Dec. 1803. 

liUMANITY the chief blessing, solace, and charm 
of life, how much of happiness do Ave owe to thy soft 
endearments, enchaining heart to heart in the social 
ties of love and friendship, disposing every thing to 
harmony, abating the pride of prejudice, and recon- 
ciling the differences of philosophy and religion, in 
that admirable agreement of general principles, which 
is the preservation of the morals, and of manners; 
how easily might thy kind influence be used to dispel 
the gloom of disaffection, and all the mischiefs of par- 
ty distinction, and yet a blind and mistaken policy 
prevails, a system of terror is still preferred, and un- 
happy Ireland remains the peculiar object of its stern 
regards; the opiates of conciliation are yet neglected 
by men who judge without feeling the pulse, or being 
properly acquainted with the fever of the people of 
that country, as ignorant physicians prescribe wrong 
from their mistaking the true complaint of the pa- 
tient. To cut off a diseased member, the knife may 
be applied with success, but where the whole body is 
in a morbid state, skilful alteratives must be used, and 



74 



THE MAN IN THE MOON 



the change in the constitution must be effected by re- 
gimen and gentle treatment. It is true, that when 
rebellion erects its hydra heads, it is time to be severe ; 
but it should be that just description of severity, that 
shows both the power to punish, and the desire to 
pardon; and indeed, where the people of a country from 
peculiar circumstances like the Irish, labours under the 
misfortune of disunion among themselves, it would be 
wise and prudent to use some mild means to abate the 
virulence of their mutual hatred, by a mediation that 
might cause them to believe an union with England, 
the greatest blessing that could happen them. 

The fact is, that the disposition of the people of 
Ireland is misunderstood, the country is divided in it- 
self, and not all the military power that exists, can re- 
move the rooted enmity one party bears the other. It 
was currently believed, and insisted upon by the 
Roman catholics, that they were to be massacred im- 
mediately after the union should take place, and even 
at this time, they believe it fatal to their interests in 
the commonwealth. The distinctions in use, that is 
the bit of orange ribband, worn in the breasts of the 
Orange party, is another eye sore to the Catholics, and 
serves to keep in recollection dangerous memoranda, 
that are mischievous to the true happiness of the 
country. To such an extent is this reciprocal hatred 
canned, that the great Roman catholics will not pur- 
chase even the articles of trade from the shop of a 
protestant, and so vice versa. Where such ignoble 
tenets prevail, it is virtue to be of no religion, but that 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 7«5 

of nature; for the professors disgrace Christianity, 
which is properly the religion of universal good-will, 
and are alike distant from that true goodness which 
knows not in the true duties of life a Samaritan from 
a Jew. There is nothing so difficult to overcome as 
rooted prejudices, and they certainly never will be 
overcome in Ireland, until the manners of the people 
can be changed ; the means that have been used are 
mistaken means ; terror may for a time silence the 
active voice of disaffection, but it will murmur ; the 
scaffold may present dreadful examples, but when 
the sufferers are loved, every rebel is called a martyr, 
and the cause acquires inward strength; the Irish 
have it now strongly fixed in their minds, that they 
are a degraded people, that they shall never be liked 
again by this country, and that they will always be 
used with harshness and cruelty; in short, they are 
sinking fast into that fatal despondency, which creates 
the strong sensations of revenge and hatred against 
the authors of their misery. I have paid much at- 
tention to the succession of tragic events which have 
occurred in Ireland, I have seen the noble minds of 
men disordered with the phrenzy of rebellion, who 
would have been grand ornaments of society; but not- 
withstanding the knife has been used, the corroding 
ulcer remains, the constitution of Ireland is as dis- 
eased as ever. It is the great business of true policy, 
by insensible inculcations of truth, to operate on the 
minds of a people, not to shock by new and offensive 
innovations, but to get at their consents by introducing 
among them a new spirit, and the spirit of humanity 



76 



THE MAN IN THE MOON, 



is best suited to soften the fierceness and asperity of 
the Irish, who are naturally hospitable and brave. I am 
sorry to observe, but I do it with respect and love for 
the Roman catholics, that their religion is encompas- 
sed by superstitions and prejudices which destroy its 
beauties; the Roman catholics, or rather the Papists, 
are much too jealous, much too proud, they ask for 
toleration, but do not give it : the greater part of the 
misunderstanding among mankind has originated in 
priest-craft. It is pleasing to the rational mind to con- 
template the unassuming dignity with which some of 
the clergy of the church England perform their offices 
of charity and love, and there is a Roman catholic 
priest in this country, whose sermons are the same 
lessons of good will and charity ; men like these can 
never disagree; no, it is the ignorant wretched deal- 
ers in the false articles of religion, who keep up their 
conjurations to maintain themselves; for hundreds of 
priests in Ireland would starve, were the poor people 
once freed from the enchantments of priestcraft; 
wretched as they are, they will frequently give all they 
have to their priests, who in return, inculcate and 
nourish in their minds that hatred so fatal to their 
happiness. Good heavens ! where is the understand- 
ing of the country hid ; will it for ever suffer low and 
mean prejudices to disturb the repose of reason ? let 
the hated distinctions of Orange and Croppies be 
heard no more, but let the catholic and the protestant 
embrace ; let them be united by the intermarriage of 
sentiment; let the priests be instructed by the supe- 
riors of their church to imbibe no more ideas of dis- 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 77 

like and hatred, but let them preach love and peace ; 
let the present race of ignorant teachers run out, and 
let their places be supplied by men of education and 
understanding, in whose hands religion may be un- 
polluted, and the people safe from imposition, much 
fewer in numbers, but much stronger in true religion. 

The custom of hunting the Wren is an unhappy 
proof of the hatred of the low Irish ; for the Orange 
party, it is said, that at the time Prince William 
gained the battle of the Boyne, one of these poor 
little harmless creatures happened to alight upon a 
drum, which was considered as a good omen by the 
army of William, and since that time, a barbarous 
and disgraceful anniversary of sport is kept of this 
incident, when the low catholics sally forth, and 
wherever they can find a wren, hunt the poor little 
creature to death. Who is it can thus dare to separate 
humanity from religion ? 

True policy will then direct the means of giving 
peace to that country. It can only be brought about 
by the mutual determination of men of liberal minds 
of either party; to produce so desirable an object, let 
invidious distinctions be proscribed; let the catholics 
participate all the blessings and advantages of the pro- 
testants, power alone excepted; let the good sense of 
each country unite for the benefit of each, and it may 
then be called, with truth, the united kingdom of 
(xreat Britain and Ireland. 2. 



78 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

" Sunday, Dec. Uth, 1503. 



" MR. MAN IN THE MOON, 



cc I know that you like something extraordinary, 
and must therefore inform you that during the 
whole twenty-four hours of yesterday I did not once 
scold or find fault with my husband, nor did even a 
murmur of discontent escape my lips during all that 
time at the awkwardness of the servants, which you 
know, Mr. Man in the Moon, (if you keep servants 
there) is very provoking sometimes, and which indeed 
used to be my constant and perpetual theme when 
not immediately engaged in a quarrel with my hus- 
band. I fear, however, that you will not be disposed 
to give me full credit for the forbearance, when I in- 
form you it was occasioned by a sudden cold and 
hoarseness, which rendered my speaking very pain- 
ful, and had well nigh taken away my voice into the 
bargain. My husband, indeed, was not in the secret, 
but called me his dear love, and treated me with such 
kindness and affection on the occasion, thinking it to 
he an attempt of mine towards amendment, that I am 
half inclined to try the experiment in earnest, and 
endeavour most valiantly to conquer this unruly mem-, 
ber of mine. Yet I thought it right to ask your opi- 
nion on my case before I begin such an important 
work ; and particularly whether I may safely attempt 
a reformation at once, or by degrees, and how I am 
to answer the charges that may be alledged against 
me for giving up this most valuable female privilege 
and strong hold. An immediate answer will oblige, 
" Sir, your humble servant, 

Paradise Row- « XANTIPPE PLACID." 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 79 

The only answer I shall give to my correspondent, 
is the publication of the following letter, which I re- 
ceived by the same post; and which I hope will better 
please and instruct her than any thing I can say. 
For, in truth, the inhabitants of the Moon have some 
old maxims current amongst them respecting scolds, 
which I am very unwilling to disclose at this stage of 
my acquaintance with the ladies of this country, lest 
the Man in the Moon be accused of saying rude 
things to them, and so lose every hope of their counte- 
nance and favour* 

<C SIR, 

" The happy, especially those who have become so 
by a sudden and unexpected event, have always had 
the privilege of expressing their feelings of it to every 
body without regard to place or circumstances, pro- 
vided it was done within a reasonable time after the 
event; nor has it indeed been expected (as in other 
cases) that the subject should be of general concern. 
Whilst, therefore, I may use this privilege, I hasten to 
tell you that yesterday made me the happiest of men, 
by a sudden alteration which has taken place in the 
conduct and temper of my wife, You must know, 
Sir, that fronr being a notorious scold, and the eternal 
alarum of our family, she has suddenly become as gen- 
tle and quiet as a lamb, and was not heard to utter a 
single syllable during yesterday. Conceive my joy, 
when, after years of incessant noise and contradiction, 
I contemplate this proof of her ability to be silent as 
the earnest of many a happy day, which we may yet 



SO THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

enjoy together. Even the servants wonder and arc 
pleased with the change. I overheard two of them 
felicitate themselves on it, and remark, that there was 
no mistress in the world with whom they could more 
willingly live, if she could but forsake her way of find- 
ing fault upon all occasions. Pray tell her that scolding 
and ill-humour will disfigure beauty itself, and cast such 
a shade round the most accomplished woman as few 
will be at the pains to penetrate, in order to admire her 
real excellencies. Tell her, that if she can but forsake 
her bad habit, she will again become the darling, the 
joy and delight of her husband; and again display 
those abilities and perfections to advantage before 
others, which the world has almost forgotten belong 
to her. Tell her, moreover, that peace and good hu- 
mour are blessings even to the possessors of them. She 
is a great admirer of your speculations, and will, no 
doubt, be benefitted in common with other females of 
the united kingdom, by the perusal of what your sage 
abilities and long observation will enable you to say 
on the subject. I am, (in hopes of your success) 
" Your very humble servant, 

" MOSES PLACID." T. 



THE 



MAN IN THE MOON. 



CUI BONO." 



NUMBER XL Saturday, 11th Dec. 1803. 

X HERE is scarcely an action in public or private 
life which might not be tried to advantage by the 
plain rule of reason contained in the above motto. 
The shrewd query c Cui bono,' What good f would in 
all cases serve as a most excellent preventative against 
the various mistakes and blunders men are constantly 
making in the greater and lesser engagements, and 
pursuits of the world. Many there are who must now 
regret that they had not asked themselves this short 
question, before they had become involved in the 
adventures of ambition, or of pleasure, and many 
there are who would have been rich who are now 
poor, only for the want of so good a friend as cui bono 
is, when listened to with a moment's attention. 
Even nations as well as individuals might measure the 
great actions of their states by this standard, and nu- 
merous would appear the mighty blunders evinced 
in their declarations of war, &c. when peace would 
have been the truly desirable object of countries, had 
the poor little monitor, cui bono, been permitted fair 
play, and his honest question not drowned by the 

M 



82 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

thunder of ambition, and the squabbling of such as were 
anxiously waiting for the loaves and fishes; and which, 
if there were a fair representation in a country, would 
seldom happen, for cui bono would then speak to bet- 
ter advantage, keep the blockhead governments from 
falling out, and going to tear be rarely known. 

To contrast a public folly with a private one, the 
going to law is, perhaps, the next thing worthy notice, 
cui bono would certainly operate nine times out of ten 
to prevent men from trusting to its glorious uncertain- 
ties, and to their arriving, after a long time, to the 
great satisfaction frequently given to the two parties, 
that of each having their own costs to pay. 

Speculation is another offence and enemy to society, 
which poor little cui bono might frequently prevent, 
by only introducing the word real into the sentence. 
What razZgood are we to expect from this new scheme 
to which we so foolishly attach unrealized riches ? Ave 
are, perhaps, very well and comfortable as we are, and 
" let well alone,' ' is an old adage that seems a very 
near relation to cui bono, and of the same worthy family; 
who once by their plain honest and prudential maxims 
gave riches to the citizens of London, before accom- 
modation bills were ever known or thought of, and 
when guineas were heaped on the counters of our 
banking houses. 

Cui bono might also be attended to with advantage 
when we are going to build a house, going to the Stock 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. S3 

Exchange, going to lend our money, going to keep a 
■mistress, and even it might be proper to attend to the 
hint when we are going to be married. It would, in 
all these cases, afford us the opportunity to measure 
present advantages against future possibilities, to set 
a value on those things that are blessings in possession, 
and to know the true value of expectation, which is a 
promise to us almost always kept when we seek what 
is truly reasonable, and really good for us. It is only 
the vain idle phantoms of pride or ambition, that 
deceive us as an ignis fatuus in our journey through 
life; and thus it is, that the same man who might 
have enjoyed his family fire side in peace and comfort, 
is, perhaps, become the inhabitant of a prison for the 
debts contracted for the materials of the building of pride 
or ambition which his disordered fancy had planned. 
It is then that he is sorry that he had not listened to 
the admonition of cni bono, even with relation to the 
success of his scheme, and the probable danger of 
failing; for it happens constantly, that in these ardu- 
ous attempts to have more than is necessary to our 
happiness, le jeu ne vaut pas le chandelier and we fa- 
tigue ourselves in a career that is frequently stopt by 
disappointment, and at most finds its end nearly with 
the acquisition, by what we know to be the ultimatum 
of our advantages and misfortunes, a certainty which 
raises the value of reasonable present enjoyments which 
we can keep, infinitely above those which we must 
wait for, never may obtain, or if we should obtain, 
must part with so soon. 



84 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

No man has more occasion for the use of the caution, 
cui bono, than the good-natured man, which character 
has been falsely denominated a fool; when the fact is, 
that the good-natured man acts from the most just prin- 
ciples of charity, that would never dishonour him if it 
were not for the stratagems of the world, that despoil 
the nature of generosity ; he does not want wisdom 
for it is wise to help our neighbour, but he wants 
cunning, a contemptible article only made necessary 
by the achievements of knaves over the kind and ge- 
nerous. Cui bono is therefore an excellent adviser to 
such a man; for if any applications are made to his 
philanthropy, he has only to consider the real service 
he can do his friend, and if upon a candid explanation 
of his situation he may find that he can assist, let him do 
it freely ; but if it is merely to support extravagance, 
false appearances, or the folly of concealing a little 
longer, growing and weighty embarrassments, cui bono 
will be a prudent query, and if his friend may fall, will 
leave him something to alleviate his real distress, in- 
stead of sinking also by the adhesion to ruinous circum- 
stance. Cui bono will also protect him from the swindler, 
and the man of elegant address; he may apply the 
French saying to advantage, what is there dans ses 
beaux yeux, that I should do this for him ? Cui bono 
would also deter many a man from going to the gain- 
ing table, as it would induce the reflection that expe- 
rience affords us of the ruin attendant upon play, and 
to speak in the gamester's own terms, the great odds 
against the man who opposes himself to the skilful 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 85 

professors of the science, what good can be expected 
from trusting ourselves with more expert and allowed 
pickpockets than was ever the unfortunate Bar- 
rington. 

Our friend cui bono would, on the other side, inform 
us of many happy and pleasant situations in life, 
which we pass by and are totally regardless of; he 
would teach us, that having the ambition not to rise, is 
the most safe and easy way to contentment ; that tem- 
perance will bestow the real good, of good health; that 
the abstinence from luxury and debauchery will pre- 
serve the mind; that every thing that is honest and 
virtuous is pleasant and advantageous 5 and that the cut 
bono which charity, truth, and justice bestow, is the 
great first blessing upon earth — peace. 



Being engaged in perusing a very curious and no- 
vel correspondence which has recently taken place, I 
was deprived the gratification of attending to the per- 
formance of the new historical drama, entitled " The 
English Fleet;" written, as report says, by Mr. Dib- 
din, I therefore subjoin a novel species of criticism, 
offered me by an honest tar, who was there, and who 
gives his opinion freely and candidly of the represen- 
tation. 

" Hazy weather, with sleet, London, Dec. 14, 1S03. 
" MPw. MAN IN THE MOON, 

" As how you being a friend of Bob Binnacle's, I 
hope, you see, that you won't be offended with a bit of 



S6 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

a forecastle story, to pass away your watch in the 
Moon. You must know, that yesterday, being in 
London to receive some prize money, I steered to 
Covent-garden, with Sal Saucyface, from Gosport, un- 
der my arm, to look in at the play. You never saw 
anybody so toss'd off as Sal, with a watch by her side 
as big as one of the compasses in our binnacle a'board 
the Eggs-and-bacon*, at Spithead. Well, you see, by 
making several tacks in-shore we, at last, weathered 
the gallery, and brought up in a good roadsted ; at 
last, the player-men clewed up the mainsail, and be- 
gun a great deal of scrimidging, or fighting like Tom 
Cox's Traverse, up one hatchway and down another, 
which neither I nor Sal understood any thing about, 
or indeed, any of their gammon, only one of them, who 
seemed a bit of a sailor, if he hadn't now and then veered 
out some ward-room jaw, which we don't know nothing 
about. There was rather too much sing song for me; 
but it pleased Sal, and I doesn't mind a bit of a squal 
now and then, though I had rather hear Tom Midship 
sing " Why, how now, messmate Jack," than all your 
uproar singing put together. There was a fine lady too, 
made a speech as long as the jib sheet, and seemed to 
spout as well as Mr. Nipcheese, our purser, who I have 
listened to many a watch down the skylight, when I 
was quarter-master of the Tartar. Well, Sal wished 
to splice the main brace, so I stood away for the 
brandy shop; when a damn'd lubber, who was in 
everybody's mess, and nobody's watch, (a loblolly 
boy, I suppose) came to anchor in my birth, along- 

* A cant name among sailors for the Agamemnon. 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 87 

side Sal. Dam'ee, I luffed up to him presently, just 
as he was talking about the companionment to the 
singing, and I made him cut his cable, and so he went 
adrift ever so far astern. As for the matter of the plot, 
they seemed for the world as if they were hustling 
the corporal, at last, however, the big guns fired, and 
the English fleet came to anchor, when they cleared the 
decks presently of all the French swaddies, and so 
they sung God Save the King, and that's all. 

" Your's at command, 

" TOM TIMBERHEAD." 
St. Catharine's Lane, IVapping. 

" MR. MAN IN THE MOON, 

" As I sees all your letter writers stiles you, Mr- 
Man in the Moon, I thinks proper to do as my nigh- 
boars does, and thinks as how I will write to you my- 
self, and as you are a gemman of high degree, not 
like our little great men on this side of the sky, I takes 
the liberty to introduce myself to your favour. It was 
but last knight I defended you mortal strong against 
a fellow who presumed to say as how that our great 
stronomers and strologers have made a confounded 
mistake, and that the mountain of St. Catharine, as 
they call it, is nothing else but your nose, and that 
you are a mortal great drinker; and that this said 
mountain, instead of being covered with brakes and 
bushes, is covered with carbuncles. You must know, 
I had a mortal inclination to knock him down then ; 
but, Sir, my wife has been on a visit to a cousin of hers 
these three weeks, and I have been reserving my un- 



88 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

exercised patience against her return home; but, Sir, 
when this scoundrel told me that you was put in the 
moon for stealing sticks on a Sunday, and that for you 
to make a preachment of morality, was for all the 
world like a Botany Bay convict coming home to 
England and opening a public lecture on honesty — 
It was not a moonlight night, or you would have seen 
the knock down blow I gave him, and there he lay 
twisting about his ugly body like an eel in a basket. 
You must know, Sir, I expects a reward for this, and 
expects you to tell me, whether you likes the wolun- 
teers, because as how I entered into the rifling corpse 
at the request of my wife, who likes the green milan- 
tary humanform mortally ; but she says that i'se a 
dunce, for being drilled a month, and am not yet re- 
turned defective. 

" Yours, as you please me, 



Y. 



Jemmy Sensitive's communication is before the Man in the Moon, and vAll 
be duly considered. 

An Essay on Epistolary Writing will shortly appear, with specimens for the 
edification of gentlemen in and out of place. 



THE 

MAN IN THE MOON. 



AUT CJESAU AUT NULLUS. 






Nu M B E R XII. Wednesday, 2 1 st Dec. 1803. 

<c MR. MAN IN THE MOON, 

JL WAS occupied half an hour last night in perus- 
ing by the fire side of my chamber your last Number, 
wherein you define the utility of the motto, Cui bono, in 
the circumstances of common life ; and as you are one 
of the innumerable race of authors, moralists, or essay- 
ists, whose theories are all admirable, and who delight to 
torment your readers with precepts insupportable, and 
incongruous with the infirmity of human nature, I 
shall trouble you with a few genuine observations. 
According to your sage reasoning, it is just as easy 
to regulate our conduct in life as it is to set a stop 
watch, or to wind up an eight -day clock, I shall not 
be so unhandsome, at present, as to make any re- 
flections on the possibility of personal inconsistencies, 
even in the sage monitor of the moon himself. It 
will be enough for me if I can prove to you the abso- 
lute imperfections of human nature, and that no au- 
thor has yet discovered the true patent snafflle, bit, or 
bridle, by which men can rein effectually their unruly 
passions and appetites. Now, Sir, experimental phi- 
losophy appears to me to be the most certain of any, 
and to show you how much has been done to make 

N 



90 THE iMAN IN THE MOON. 

this anima or gold of the understanding, I will give 
you a sketch of my own outset in life. I was educated 
under the care of a private tutor, from whom I received 
not only classic instruction, but many moral inculca- 
tions, seldom attended to in public colleges. In short, 
my sentiments were as perfect a chain of correct and 
properly combined ideas as could be well imagined, and 
modesty ruled over me so absolutely that I blushed at 
every thing; and I could not have spoken first to a 
young girl if you had given me a guinea to do it; and 
as for giving her a salute I would sooner have suffered 
transportation. Upon so moral a ground, it might be 
imagined a perfect superstructure would have been 
raised, and indeed so it might, if the materials of the 
building had been better understood. But to con- 
tinue, about the age of twenty I began, at the request 
of my parents, who were rich, to consider something 
of the character it would become me to establish in 
the world. I had not any of the material drawbacks 
upon the inclinations, many experience, such as the 
want of a liberal education, of fortune, of health, or of 
figure. It was now that, among other reading, I pe- 
rused Richardson's Sir Charles Grandison, and that I 
felt the ardour of making that imaginary gentleman 
my prototype. I had, in short, determined to be rea- 
sonable in all my actions, to abstain from the follies 
incident to other men, never to drink, never to game, 
never to visit bad women, never to get in debt, never 
to borrow money. This desire of the immaculate 
came on chiefly when I was alone, and then I 
strutted about the room, imagined the (hairs filled 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 91 

with the wondering spectators of the assembly, ad- 
miring my elegance and refinement. No awkward 
constraint, no mistrust of myself, not an hasty 
expression, nor a look of impatience, were to be 
observed; I was perfectly at ease, assured, tran- 
quil, and consistent in the assembty, where I had ne- 
ver been. At last, however, the time arrived when 
my lady mother, for my father was a country gentle- 
man, saw company. I was of age, and was to put the 
lessons of my tutor, Sir Charles Grandison, and my 
dancing-master, into practice. The company were se- 
lect and brilliant, and I entered the drawing-room 
with an assurance of success. Judge my astonish- 
ment, however, when I tell you that I passed unno- 
ticed in the crowd, except what attention I received 
from some old women who had surrounded mamma. 
Still, however, I preserved my ease, until a little ugly 
foolish looking girl set up a horse laugh as I passed 
by r , whispering at the same time a whole circle of 
creatures like herself, I wonder how Sir Charles Gran- 
dison would have stood this ! I confess that it gave 
me a little physical confusion, but I surmounted the 
danger by running away, and when I got into a cor- 
ner was perfectly Sir Charles Grandison again. But 
my mortification was soon after renewed, for I began 
to find, even when I forced myself forward, that no- 
body gave to my morality nor to my manners the 
character of my original Sir Charles ; nobody said, 
How like Sir Charles Grandison ! However, I had 
sense enough to believe, that when a little more used 
to company I should soon get rid of those unpleasant 



92 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

gaucheries which perplex and torment the novice on 
the town, and that my morals \\ ere at any rate safe 
from attacks like those I had just suffered. Among 
the rest of the company I observed a gentleman who 
really did seem the subject of admiration in the circle. 
His manners were perfectly formed, he conversed with 
ease and elegance, wore a constant smile upon his 
countenance, was polite and attentive to the women, 
and friendly and conversant with the men. It was 
Lord Lustre, and really I was much prepossessed in 
the idea of his likeness to Sir Charles Grandison, and 
of my likeness to him. Fortunately I did not pass the 
whole night unnoticed, for an extremely gay pleasant 
young man of fashion, who I had never seen before, 
Mr. Saunter, came to my relief, took my arm, walked 
up and down the room with me in the most friendly 
manner, and engaged me in conversation. I felt as 
bold as a lion, and I took an opportunity, among 
other things, to express to him my admiration of my 
Lord Lustre, who, I observed, was, doubtless, ano- 
ther Sir Charles Grandison. At this, Mr. Saunter set 
up a loud laugh, " Damme, Peregrine, that's a good 
thing, however. ,, " I owe you one for that." " So 
you know my Lord Lustre?" " Well, come, you 
have a good deal .of wit, damme." I could not, at first, 
make out what I had said so brilliant, particularly as 
I had before quoted some witty sayings of the an- 
cients, which I had learnt of my tutor, without the 
smallest success. " Why you know," cried Saunter, 
as if I had been as well acquainted with life as him- 
self, " you know that Lord Lustre is the greatest 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 95 

rou} upon town; he never speaks to a girl with- 
out planning her destruction, nor to a man with- 
out fishing for a loan." My blood stagnated in 
my veins at these observations, and I scarcely be- 
lieved Saunter in earnest. I had, however, good 
sense enough to conceal the mistake I had laboured 
under about his lordship, and looked as cunning as I 
could. My friend Saunter, who had entertained a 
very different opinion of me than I wished to esta- 
blish, asked me to dine the next day at a hotel, with 
two or three of his friends, which invitation I thought 
I might accept. Dancing had now begun, and I took 
by the hand a beautiful and accomplished woman as a 
partner; but no sooner did my lingers come in con- 
tact with hers than I felt that I was in a state of per- 
spiration, my knees trembled, and when I had to lead 
down the middle, I forgot aJl the new fashionable 
steps Mons. Crapaud had taught me, bounced against 
my partner's back in the allemande^ and fell upon my 
nose in swinging vomers. I made, however, an awk- 
ward apology, complained that I had sprained my 
ankle, and left off dancing, almost convinced that I 
was not very much like Sir Charles Grandison. The 
next day I attended at the hotel, to meet my friend 
Saunter, who introduced me to Col. Brilliant, Capt. 
Dash'em, and Mr. Cog the counsellor, and now I 
began to think something of myself. I had determined, 
however, notwithstanding their free and easy polite- 
ness, to be upon my guard against every thing that 
might endanger the system of pure morality which I 
had proposed to establish ; I could not, however, you 



94 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

know, refuse to take a glass of wine with Col. Bril- 
liant, Capt. Dash'em, Mr. Cog the counsellor, or 
my friend, that was quite impossible. The wine hap- 
pened to be Madeira, which presently warmed the 
chillness of my cold philosophy, and I began to find a 
material and not unpleasant change taking place. I 
did not resist another and another glass, it was quite 
impossible, and each succeeding one assisted to en- 
liven my torpid imagination \ the Colonel helped me 
to the most exquisite of the dishes, les pieds cle cha- 
meaux and des dindoneaux; the most excellent port and 
claret was served after dinner, and I found constraint 
wearing off very fast indeed ; in short, after coffee, we 
all went in a coach to the theatre, completely drunk, 
and from thence to an house of no very good fame. 
Cog invited us very kindly home to his chambers, 
where hazard was proposed, and I found myself, 
though inebriated, so good a player that I returned 
home to Hanover-square a winner of a rouleau, after 
having received the compliments of the whole party 
for my skill and my manners, with fresh invitations 
from each. The next morning gave me leisure to re- 
flect how unlike all this was to the character of Sir 
Charles Grandison ; I leant my head upon my hand, 
cast a sheep's eye at the seven volumes, elegantly 
bound, on the shelf opposite to me, and fetched a 
heavy sigh. I found that I had completely lost 
ground in my own esteem, and began to imagine that 
I, as a woman who has committed a faux pas, had 
completely lost my character, for I had got drunk, 
gamed, and visited a courtezan, all in the same even- 






THE MAN IN THE MOON. $5 

ing; but judge how delighted I was when my friend 
Saunter called in, to hear him say that the Colonel, 
the Captain, and the Counsellor had spoken of me in 
the highest terms, that I was a devilish fine fellow, and 
that I should soon be as great a roue as my Lord Lustre. 
Here was a character of celebrity within my reach. I 
was flattered with the comparison, and the moment 
he was gone ordered my servant to take away the set 
of Sir Charles Grandisori out of my library. After this 
I was more at ease, and being wise enough to frequent 
my visits to my friend Saunter, and to get acquainted 
with my Lord Lustre, I soon was emancipated from 
the slavery of serving morality and reason ; I danced 
much better, drank more wine, pleased the ladies 
better, and was presently a complete man of fashion : 
sometimes, indeed, I regretted that I had met with the 
adverse accidents which I did in my pursuit after a pure 
and exalted character, but I consoled myself with the 
reflection that no such could really exist, and that the 
author of Sir Charles Grandison had drawn " a fault- 
less monster which the world ne'er saw." Thus let 
loose, I pursued the circle of dissipation, till loans be- 
came as necessary to me as to my Lord Lustre, and I 
was under the necessity of providing for my friend 
Saunter, to whose kind instructions and introductions 
I had owed the character of a \ery elegant and fashi- 
onable man. Now, Mr. Man in the Moon, could 
you, possibly, in your theory of morals and manners, 
find a more ardent pupil in the cause than was your 
humble servant ? Do you not think that if I had found 
as easy an access to truth and virtue, as I did to vice, 
but that I should have been a Sir Charles Grandison ? 



96 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

My failure must then be attributed to the physical 
impossibility of the thing. True it is, that dull cool 
phlegmatic constitutions may preserve the same tone, 
and pursue the same regular system of heavy morals, 
as a waggon travels on in the same ruts in the road ; 
but the gay young charioteer, who drives guided by 
his passions and inclinations, contemning the use of 
the reins, is a better character than this, and I hold it 
incompatible with the figure and accomplishments of a 
Sir Charles Grandison to be a reasonable man. I ex- 
pect some very grave sentences in return for this, but 
pray answer me satisfactorily, for the common place 
remarks of the old ones of the schools will not do. I 
shall presently uncase the fox, if you dissemble ; for do 
3 r ou know that I have some strong suspicions that you 
are as great a roue as my Lord Lustre, or 
" Your humble servant, 

<c PEREGRINE PERFECT." 
St. Jajyies's Street, Dec. 19, 180$. 

" I left Hanover square as soon as I came to my 
estate." 

I am afraid my correspondent, set out the wrong 
road at first. z. 






THE 



MAN IN THE MOON. 



The heart surrendered to some ruling pow'r, 
Of some ungovern'd passion ev'ry hour, 
Finds by degrees the truths that once bore sway, 
.And all their deep impressions wear away : 
So coin grows smooth, in traffic current past, 
Till Cesar's image is effac'd at last. 

COWPER. 



NUMBER XIII. Saturday, MthDcc. 1803, 

.IN answer to the communication of Peregrine Per- 
fect, Esq. which reached the Moon last Saturday 
night, I shall offer a few observations and reflections 
on the subject of the natural infirmity and weakness 
of the human character, that may be acceptable, be- 
cause they may be serviceable to my readers. I have 
carefully examined the mind of my correspondent, 
Mr. Perfect, and analysed the materials of which it 
appeared composed sufficiently to discover the chief 
article to be vanity, and to which mistaken principle, I 
believe, he has owed all the interruptions and mishaps 
he has met with in his attempts after a great and good 
fame. With the foundation of an ingenious modest 
mind, expectation may naturally form a noble and 
ornamental superstructure; but the principle must not 
be an ambition to shine, it must not be a mere desire 
of display, for if no greater, no superior power or in- 
fluence directs human actions, it must fail: vanity 

o 



98 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

disappointed in one pursuit, voracious as it is for food, 
will easily find more ignoble objects for its gratifica- 
tion, and will even gorge on the most common meats 
sooner than taste of none. Mr. Perfect does not seem 
to be aware, that with his every virtue, one, one dan- 
gerous passion or imagination of the heart capable of 
creating numerous vices, gave direction to all his 
speculations ; and, unhappily, it was of that insatiate 
kind that would not wait for the refreshment that the 
virtuous labourer after honest fame is sure one day or 
other to meet with. To avoid saying any thing com- 
mon place on the subjects of pride or vanity, I shall 
make no mention of its being contrary to the will and 
design of the Creator, that so weak a being as man 
should entertain them in his thoughts or actions, I 
shall endeavour to consider the matter on another 
ground; that is, with reference to the poisonous effects 
of these noisome weeds upon the man who permits 
them to sprout and grow to any size in his mind. 
The instant that pride or vanity possess him with their 
baneful influence, the vigorous plants of truth, reason, 
genius, and talent become choked up, or perhaps de- 
stroyed. It is then that man begins to look round, 
not for the delightful repast which reason places with- 
in his reach, but for the luxuries of his imagination, 
honours, respect, and attendance -, in short, for any 
thing that may add to the consequence he would wish 
to hold in society. Certainly the author of Sir Charles 
Grandison was too good a judge of the human heart 
to make vanity the ruling and directing principle of 
his hero's mind : on that material he erects the cha- 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 99 

raeter of Sir Hargrave Pollexfeu \ no wonder then that 
my correspondent, who, after all, I believe to have the 
same good heart he ever had, failed in his enterprize 
after superior excellence, I know very well how dim- 
cult it is to convince men of serious truths ; but arith- 
metic, the pounds, shillings, and pence of temporal 
benefit and advantage they will readily attend to, and 
pleasure often engages them to the contemplation of 
good as well as evil. We will suppose a man of 
pure mind and morals just setting out into life, modest 
from nature, unambitious from principle; if such a 
man meets with any checks in the plan he has pro- 
posed himself, he is regardless of the consequences ; 
they can affect him but little : he has not taken the 
upper end of the table, and cannot therefore be sent 
much lower down ; assuming no eminence of place, he 
loses none, and his unaffected humility creates, at 
length, genuine and just respect. The best character 
that a man of good heart and of good intentions in 
society can adopt is, his own. The chief excellencies, 
those of the mind, may certainly be sometimes im- 
proved from example, as well as the manners; but 
then the desire of that improvement must be founded 
upon that true principle that emulates the worth, and 
not the fame of the character. A good man is in all 
situations the same; no adversity can degrade him: 
and in prosperity, when all admire him, he feels not 
that his value is increased. As for the resolutions 
that men are apt to form from time to time, particu- 
larly in the moments of remorse, they are seldom ef- 
fectual; and only remind us of the gay Lord Lyttleton, 



100 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

who used to say, that he had the resolution to make 
resolutions, but not the resolution to keep them. The 
surer way is to divert our minds from vicious habits, 
by a due consideration of the pleasures and advantages 
attendant upon virtue ; resolutions are rude fetters vo- 
luntarily put on the inclinations, but which cannot hold 
or secure them long; they are painful and irksome to 
us, and we gladly receive the emboldened vice that 
will loosen them . To be good, we must be pleased in 
our endeavours to become so, and the work will then 
be easy and successful. 

Having had occasion to speak of the conduct and of 
the manners of men in life, I shall present my readers 
with the following song upon the subject, written in 
the Moon, and called 

life's arithmetic 

That the world it goes round by arithmetic's rules, 

Is a matter of just observation; 
When there's plenty of blockheads, and cyphers, and fools, 

In the table of life's numeration. 

Thus, as soon as, heigh ho ! we set out on the scale, 

We begin to outlive our condition ; 
Then vices, and follies, and fashions prevail, 

Just to add up a sum of addition. 

Then with dice, and with beautiful women and tall, 

And with horses of figure and action ; 
We shall find to our cost, without teaching at all, 

That we soon know the rule of subtraction. 

Now married, we've plenty of business to do, 

For a wife makes a great alteration ; 
With her dresses and pins, and her pin-money too. 

And then there's your multiplication. 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 101 

But though various the pleasures we taste in a wife, 

Yet conjugal joys are a vision : 
For no sooner the parties are settled for life, 

Than they work a sum in division. 

There's one rule that will serve us wherever we go, 

That has stood from the day of creation ; 
It is, to practice what's right, as far as we know s 

And the proof — it is self approbation. 



It was remarked by a wit of the present time, at a 
public table, of one of the company who happened to 
say little or nothing for a considerable time, That the 
gentleman had got a vacancy. Such a vacancy ap- 
pears, at present, in the gossip of the day. Heaven 
and earth, sea and air, and the whole animal creation, 
have been ransacked to afford novel entertainment. 
Balloons, diving bells, swimming ladies, Mamelukes, 
and Newfoundland dogs; what is to succeed I cannot 
myself determine, so various and changeable are the 
pursuits of the two foolish nations, France and Eng- 
land. Perhaps, being near Christmas time, the ladies 
may like a game at hunt the slipper, with Cinderella, 
in Drury-lane; though the poor dog has not yet 
jnade his farewell speech, numerous are the puns and 
witticisms still made upon the harmless quadruped. 
Amongst others, the manager was asked, a few days 
ago, if Carlo gave orders ? the answer was, No, sir, 
he would not part with a bo?ie, I assure you. I deem 
it however unfair to quiz the honest animal; he is by 
far the most natural performer I have noticed since 
the days of Garrick, and I hope that his theatrical 



102 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

career will not end with the performance of a parties 
lar part, as that of many a very great performer has 
done, but that he may have a constant engagement, 
and that some of the dramatists of the present 
may write for him 5 the analogies of taste and genius 
will be then preserved. 

Well suited are their doggrel rhymes, 
To these wretched doggrel times. 

The new performer might have, perhaps, a part in the 
musical entertainment of Cinderella, now in preparat ion,, 
and might be made to hunt the slipper to great advan- 
tage, though I conceive there is little doubt of the 
success of the piece, and that from the subject it may 
possibly put the proprietors on a better footing. Nu- 
merous, too, are the enquiries upon this subject, How 
is Miss D — to be represented, is she to enter O. P. 
in a dust cart, with the rich cinders round her lovely 
waist, or is she to have a neat and elegant coal scut- 
tle in one hand, and a shovel and broom in the other ? 
The last would certainly be the best adapted costume 
for the character, and the sing song slut cannot fail to 
please. 

Good heavens! what is this that I observe? the 
seats of one of the temples of taste and genius, where 
wit and humour constantly preside, scarcely half filled. 
Whither are its accustomed visitors engaged r Is it to 
see the four-footed rag merchant, that they abandon 
an entertainment replete with true and genuine 
amusement? return to it again; it is yourselves who 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 10S 

are the greatest losers after all, for you will for- 
feit the respect you owe to yourselves, and another 
and a better age will criminate you, as we pretend to 
criminate the supine and senseless multitude who al- 
lowed a Chatterton to perish. Bartolozzi, the great, 
the sublime, the unequalled Bartolozzi has left you, 
and every inimitable sketch of his, is a stain upon the 
national character that will never rub out. Do you 
mean to allpw the man who has encouraged the cause 
of virtue, the cause of loyalty, the cause of humanity 
to want, because your taste is changed? Know, that 
the true taste for talent, for genius, for wit can never 
change ; it must approve as long as the world exists ; 
the connoisseur in painting knows the touch of the 
master, and still cries out in rapture, this is a Reuben, 
this is a Carracci. It is only the vain pretenders 
to taste who mistake the copy for the original, and 
who are pleased with the daub of the sign painter. 
Merit may want a dinner, character it will always 
have ; the country may have wealth, character it may 
not always have from that venal source. 

It is impossible to imagine a cause for the neglect 
of merit and genius in a country where so much boast 
is made of liberality, and certainly the English may 
justly be called a kind hearted people. Yet there is 
so much spirit of trade and traffic among them, that 
the fine arts, and the belles lettres are held in a sort 
of tacit contempt : poets and painters are considered 
as no very useful members of the community by those 
who cannot estimate the advantages of enlightening 



104 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

and refining the understanding of the vulgar, and 
whose primum mobile is money. Money at chieves every 
thing in England; yet the liberal arts have had their 
gradation to excellence, as well as their degradation 
in that country, and, perhaps, when this speculating, 
vaporous, and fantastic age shall have passed away, 
with its phantasmagoria of genius, that good sense 
may be revived which can discover talent, and foster 
genius wherever it finds it. 

The Man in the Moon has opportunities of ob- 
serving a great deal, and being independent of any 
views, but the general happiness of his fellow crea- 
tures, he thus boldly asserts the cause of merit ; he 
loves a man of genius, and will never relax in his en- 
deavours to engage a portion of mankind, at least, in 
the support of its claims. It is the design of the 
Man in the Moon to give, in a future Number, some 
tributes to the merits of living persons in the different 
walks of life who have aided, by their talents, the great 
purposes of ameliorating the condition of mankind, 
who have improved the general mind of society, and 
whose influences have directed their actions in a 

greater or less degree to good. 

z. 



THE 

MAN IN THE MOON 



a Virtue alone is happiness below." 

POPE, 



Number XIV. Wednesday, 2$th Dec. 1803. 

IVlUCH moral and useful instruction maybe obtained 
from a fair and candid consideration of the disagree- 
able circumstances, occupations, and engagements in- 
to which we voluntarily throw ourselves, not content 
with the evil of the day which is sufficient, but seek- 
ing opportunies, as it were, to make our situations 
more irksome, and all things worse than they really 
are. And this consideration may be pursued to still 
greater advantage, by contrasting the disagreeable 
things of life with the agreeable things within our 
reach, and which are by far more numerous and va- 
luable than we have perhaps ever imagined; and many 
of them so secure in their nature from the miseries of 
regret, ruin, or remorse, that it is astonishing they are 
not more frequently chosen by man, who is, by nature, 
an epicure, and that they are not distinguished by the 
name of pleasures. Perhaps these valuable items escape 
our observation in the catalogue of the incidents of life, 
because we chuse to purchase its most expensive and 
ornamental furniture, however useless or brittle; 
though perhaps by the time the lot arrives home, the 
house is shut up, and its owner to be seen no more. 

? 



106 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

I shall, however, avoid treating this subject gravely; 
it is by no means an unpleasant one, and if better un- 
derstood by man, he would wonder how it had hap- 
pened that he had missed so many opportunities of 
happiness, rejected so many means of tasting true sa- 
tisfaction, and abandoned so often the substantial for 
the empty and transitory delight of the placentia sen- 
sus ; perversely chusing the sweets which contain a 
poison in preference to the sweets which are both de- 
lightful and salubrious. 

Perhaps the first in rank, and the most agreeable 
thing to the nature of man, is love. I mean that love 
which is the mother of charity, good-nature, and com- 
placency for our fellow-creatures; which instructs us to 
pity, to help, and to relieve, which can abate by its 
mild interferences the sternness of justice, ^hich can 
retard the impetus of misfortune, or defeat the ma- 
lignant power of an enemy in favour of any suffering 
fellow creature it may meet with. How excellent a 
quality then is love, to soften and solace the rigours 
of a life bending to the yoke of moral and physical 
evil; and why is not its principles distributed by the 
precepts of education from school to school through 
the universe, as the true rudiment of happiness. 

I shall next speak of that love which is the inclina- 
tion of the two sexes for each other, both in compli- 
ment to the ladies, and because it ranks as the third 
law of nature, and possesses in its chaste character the 
richest store of extatic delights presented to man. 
Listen to the language of the lover. " When my 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 107 

dear Sacharissa consented to the appointment of the 
evening, to meet her beneath the row of elms, I im- 
patiently watched the dial which promised to produce 
a moment of so much delight. I anticipated all the 
luxuries of a chaste and delicate interview. At length 
the time of meeting arrived, a thrill of exquisite plea- 
sure ran through my veins; it was at the approach of 
my Sacharissa, my breast became agitated with the 
tumults of love. She gave me her hand, and love and 
joy fluttered their wings about my heart. In walk- 
ing, the tender Sacharissa inclined her bosom to me. 
and a? she leant on my arm seemed to imagine me 
her protector; her beautiful and expressive eyes fre- 
quently met mine, their soft fluid sparkling with the 
liveliness of love and pleasure. When we were seated, 
her hand was within mine, and the dialogue was 
friendship, pity, and sometimes love. When Sacha- 
rissa spoke of the deceit and falsehood of the world, 
the generous blush that covered her face pictured a 
soul of constancy and truth. 



•Her pure and eloquent blood 



" Spoke in her cheek, and so divinely wrought, 
" That one might almost say her body thought." 

It may naturally be supposed that marriage should 
follow, and so it does naturally enough ; and notwith- 
standing what cross old bachelors may say on the 
subject, matrimony contains a larger portion of hap- 
piness for man than any other state, provided the af- 
finities of mind and fortune are attended to in the 
choice of the object. Methinks, before I end tie 
chapter of love, it may be proper to say something of 



108 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

the enamoured swain, who is a prey to the inquietudes 
of an unrequited passion. Such an one I observe, by 
the light of the moon, at this moment walking to and 
fro by the side of a river, ruminating on the divine 
object of his misery. Would to heaven that some 
press-gang were at hand to bear him away from such 
useless solicitude ; nothing but main force can extri- 
cate him from the tyranny of the gentle Saphorina, 
and nothing less than the boatswain's pipe rouse him 
from the soft lethargies of despair, in which he is con- 
stantly entranced. It was humorously said by a 
physician, who happened to notice a young man in 
love eat very heartily of some rump steaks, that the 
distemper was turned; perhaps a good rump may be 
a specific, and it is certainly an inoculation that 
many hungry lovers would gladly consent to try. 

Charity is another charm and delight of human 
life which has capabilities of spreading abroad peace 
and good will; it embraces the universe with its en- 
dearments, and receives to its bosom the erring heart 
which seeks forgiveness, and which needs support; 
above the meanness of making distinctions, it fur- 
nishes the table of hospitality to all, and excludes not 
any from its abundant feast. It warms, delights, and 
invigorates the drooping heart, chilled by disappoint- 
ment, and, hand in hand with hope, travels the world 
to cheer and bless mankind. 

Cheerfulness is another blessing to man. Cheerful- 
ness is ever the companion of a good heart ; for a bad 
man is never thoroughly at rest, and though he may 






THE MAN IN THE MOON. 109 

attempt gaiety, the smile he wears is only an exterior 
which the world has taught him, and which, after all, 
but ill conceals a mind distracted. In short, a good 
heart is the ground work of all the enjoyments and en- 
tertainments of the mind ; safe within its little inde- 
pendent territory, desired by humility and prescribed 
by reason, without internal commotion, it cares little 
for the foreign wars of envy, malice, and the world. 

Numerous indeed are the domestic comforts and 
incidental pleasures of life which are built on the 
ground work of love, charity, good nature, compla- 
cency and cheerfulness of mind. I am just in the hu- 
mour to enumerate some of them as very agreeable. 
A pleasant walk in summer with an intelligent and 
lively female ; a tete-a-tete by a comfortable fire side 
with the same subject ; the endearments of children ; 
the conversation of a man of merit; a visit to the poor, 
or sick; to snatch from cruel persecution the hunted 
animal, be it a dog or a cat ; to repress undue influ- 
ence; to oppose the cruelty of power; to assert the 
cause of the injured, are things that afford the best 
entertainment to a rational mind. Then let man look 
round, and let me ask him if there are no agreeable 
things in life ? Does not hope still attend him as a 
morning star? Does not nature open her bounteous 
stores to bless him ? Let him observe the rising of the 
glorious sun, and view the pure azure of the firma- 
ment; listen to the lark, ascending the acclivity of the 
hill to meet the healthful breeze, and then return to 
his domestic comforts, and say if he is unhappy. Hast 
thou no wife, no sister, no children, no neighbours to 



110 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

form a little social compact ? Have all thy friends been 
false, or is it the unevennesses and inconstancies of 
thine own disposition that have disgusted thee with 
life? 

There are, however, always to be found in society, 
a set of people who appear, as if intended by provi- 
dence, to prove to us the blessings of peace and good- 
will, and who are in a constant state of warfare with 
themselves and the rest of the world. These are the 
proud, the peevish, the surly, the tenacious, the capri- 
cious, and the hypochondriac. The proud man has the 
exclusive privilege of being solitarily miserable, and 
only disturbs society when society attempts to disturb 
his consequence. The peevish man is not so reserved; 
he answers every thing, but it is with a pettishness 
that gives pain and disgust. The surly man is a brute, 
that snarls and bites at every thing within his reach. 
The capricious man is worth nothing, unless you could 
buy in and sell out of his friendship as you do Bank 
stock. The tenacious man is offensive to society, be- 
cause he catches at what was never meant, and dis- 
turbs good company by his bad manners. The hypo- 
chondriac is scarcely more sufferable, he is always com- 
plaining, always ill 3 and, except that he eats, drinks, 
and sleeps just as well as other people, you would 
fancy as he does — that he is dying. One of these 
profest hypochondriacs took it into his head that one 
part of his body was made of glass ; no persuasion, 
no argument could convince him to the contrary, un- 
til, luckily, one day his servant happened to displace 
his chair from behind him, when the hypochondriac fell 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. ill 

backwards on that particular part to the ground, when 
rubbing it, with astonishment he exclaimed, very se- 
riously, " Well, now I am convinced that it is not 
made of glass.' ' 

The ignorant are another teizing and tormenting 
class of society. I do not mean to apply that igno- 
rance which wears the countenance of modest inquiry, 
or that of the man whose knowledge of the human 
heart, and of the world, is frequently more than an 
equivalent for erudition. My satire will be levelled 
at the vain presumptuous blockhead who gets upon 
the shoulders of another, or mounts upon the stilts of 
his own absurd miscomprehension, and fancies he is 
very great indeed ; to see this urchin fallen in the dirt, 
is a triumph whenever it happens, and another of the 
agreeable incidents of life. 4 

So widely do men differ in their opinions of happi- 
ness from their relative situations in life, that Pecimius 
often declares, that there is nothing that can be called 
misery or misfortune, but the being in debt ; and Con- 
nubius asserts, that there is no real ill but matrimony. 
Pecunius is so tender upon the subject of his personal 
inconveniencies, that a friend, who called in one morn- 
ing, happening to say, that he had got into hot water, 
Pecunius replied, " Hot water, sir! w T hy I am per- 
fectly parboiled." And Connubius never is introduced 
to a stranger, but he enquires if he is married; so that, 
in truth, the old proverb, that nobody knows where 
the shoe pinches but the wearer, has a great deal cf 
truth, and perhaps some rooted care may fester in the 



112 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

breasts of many who appear at ease. Fallacius had 
a fine house, parks, and lawns, carriages and servants; 
his friend Merodius, who had, for the first time, paid 
him a visit after his marriage, flattered him on the ad- 
vantages of fortune which he possessed, and exclaimed, 
" Oh, Fallacius, how happy you must be, circum- 
stanced as you are, with all the blessings of life." 
Fallacius only answered, " Merodius, you don't 
know." The sumptuous repast was now ready, and 
Merodius sat down to it. The lady of the house was at 
the head of the table, and engaged her guests, with 
smiles of affability, to partake of the feast. The beau- 
tiful Lucretia was courteous, was attentive; but the 
beautiful Lucretia was tipsey. She had applied early 
in the morning, as she was accustomed to do, to the 
rich stores of her husband's cellar, thrown open upon 
the occasion. Her fine eyes sparkled, it is true, but 
it was with the fluid of the grape ; her action was 
graceful, it is true, but somewhat unsteady. Some 
discreet ladies had the kindness to say, that she was ill; 
but this friendship only made the worse. The beautiful 
Lucretia opened the torrent of abuse, insisted that 
nothing was the matter, and fell into hysterics, until 
she was removed to her bed; after this Fallacius 
asked his friend, if he thought him so completely happy. 
Fallacius had married for a large fortune. 

z. 



THE 

MAN IN THE MOON 



; Policy effects great things with as little virtue as possible." 

MONTESQUIEU. 



NUMBER XV. Saturday, 31st Dec. 1803. 

OLITICAL inconsistency is a theme so boundless 
itself, and has been, of late, so abundantly sup- 
plied by contradictions to common sense, that this 
Paper would be little else than a chronological table 
of memorialized absurdities, if it were not that the 
subject must necessarily lead to some pertinent ob- 
servations. Of these political eccentricities I shall 
mention but a few ; as some of them at least are, I 
dare say (without offence to my printer) typographi- 
cal errors, or mis-steaks, such as in my last Number. 
I shall chiefly observe upon the system of rancorous 
abuse, servile adulation, defamatory hand-bills, con- 
temptuous squibs, &c. with which the scene-shifters, 
and property-men of the state, have thought proper 
to entertain the public. The first of these, rancorous 
abuse, being a war drug, and calculated for the com- 
mon stomach of the people, is generally administered 
in large doses ; and though it may act as an emetic 
upon delicate organs, is admirably contrived to assist 
the digestion of the vulgar for war. In peace, 



114 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 



however, another treatment was thought necessary, 
though, owing to a mistake in the labels, the first 
mixtures were for some time given in such quan- 
tities, that the nauseousness of them offended the 
olfactory nerves of the Great Potentate with whom 
we had just shook hands. Whether this was owing 
to a blunder, or to that second sight which picked out 
from the chapter of futurity another falling out, I 
must not presume to determine. Certain it is, that 
many enlightened people, who had been doctored for 
the war complaint, thought a change of climate ne- 
cessary, and actually bent at the throne, and did eat 
of the dinner of the much-abused great man, and it 
was only from the good advice of a general offi- 
cer of understanding and merit, that the flower of 
the English navy was prevented from paying his 
court to the gaudy puppet of the French nation. Such 
of them however as were lucky enough to get upon 
their own ground, began to crow as loud as ever; and 
every blackguard placard was invented to issue incre- 
dible lies, to excite the horror and aversion of the 
multitude. Surely, however, that true affection of the 
people called Amor Patriae, which has seldom, even in 
the time of the Romans, been better defined than by 
the brilliant atchievements of many Englishmen, can- 
not stand in need of so wretched a stimulus. Patri- 
otism comprehends a love for the country which gives 
comfort and safety to the subject, with an equal pro- 
tection of the laws. Shall it be necessary then to bolster 
up a good cause with such wretched stuffing ? No ; it is 
only necessary to say, that the country is endanger- 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 115 

ed by injustice, and every good and just man will 
sally forth in its defence ; the misfortune is, that truth, 
all-powerful as it is from its nature, is often mistrusted, 
and thought unequal to our designs. Thus politi- 
cians consider deception allowable; and thus corrup- 
tion too, creeps through the members of the common- 
weal, because it is thought that it must be so, and 
that we must go with the stream. I shall endeavour, 
however, to show the odiousness of venality. 

It happens, sometimes, that we are obliged to give 
credit to the illiterate for fine sallies of wit and ge- 
nuine humour. I remember that at the last general 
election for Westminster, a gentleman who was de- 
sirous to get upon the hustings at Covent-garden, 
thought he would indulge his vein for satire by an 
appropriate address to the constable who guarded the 
entrance ; " I believe (cried he, putting a shilling in his 
hand) that there is a little corruption here." " Yes, 
sir, (answered the man with a significant look at the 
shilling) but this is too little" 

I cannot pass over a remarkable fact, which ac- 
tually took place only a few years since: — A poor 
man, who had for a length of time solicited from 
his county member the place of an extra tidesman 

in town, at last obtained a letter to Mr. J n. 

Nothing elates one more than the prospect of a 
place; the poor countryman came to town with 
the letter in his hand, and thought his busi- 
ness done; he soon found his way to the office, 



116 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

but whether it was not office hours, or from what 
other cause, I will leave the reader to judge, the 
poor fellow could get no access to the great man, 
nor even admittance for his letter, . although it was 
a general delivery day for a number of people like 
himself ; but the porter shoved him on the one side, 
and the messengers on the other, and the office- 
keeper, in the bustle and importance of business, 
almost knocked the letter out of his hand. In short, 
the poor place hunter was at a fault, and having 
made repeated trials, with the same ill success, re- 
treated one day, after similar disappointments, in- 
to a little public house, and seating himself in a cor- 
ner box, by the fire side, called for a pint of ale, 
and vented the cause of his grief to the landlord, of 
whom he made many enquiries, and expressed his 
apprehensions that the gentleman he had been to was 
involved in debt; for that he was denied to every liv-> 
ing creature, and that he could not even get in a letter, 
for fear (he supposed) that it might be a summons. 
The good landlord smiled at his simplicity, and in- 
formed him of -another way to get in; for which infor- 
mation the countryman stood a treat of a glass of 
brandy and water. Jahn returned to the great house, 
when he thought that he might, with propriety, halve 
the recommendation the landlord thought so neces- 
sary. Whether this recipe was an alkali or not, I 
will leave the reader to determine; certain it is, that 
it neutralized the acid so predominant in the physical 
character of the porter; he looked askance at the let- 
ter, and at the postage, nodded his head, and told Jahn 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 117 

to call the next day. Jahn went again to his friend, 
the landlord, to acquaint him with his success, and 
thought that he had now overcome all his difficulties. 
The next day the poor countryman returned, and gave 
a knock of some better assurance at the door ; but 
the gentleman porter, who was troubled with the dis- 
ease of his master, a defect of recollection, had to- 
tally forgot the face of the applicant. Jahn had good 
sense to recollect the refreshers for counsel which the 
lawyer once had charged him in his bill, for conduct- 
ing a cause at the assizes, and parted with the other 
half of the recommendation. In short, he had only 
stopped two hours, when the same gentleman desired 
him to follow him to an anti-chamber, where Mr. 

J- -n was seated, reading official dispatches. Jahn 

stood at an awful distance, at last Mr. J n recol- 
lected the letter, and half perusing it, as a reviewer 
does a new work, understood its merits just as well. 

'■* I am very sorry, (cried Mr. J n) that Mr. 

Borough has made this application just now, for there 
is no vacancy." " No vacancy, Sir !" (cried Jahn, 
staring and trembling for his place at the same time:) 
" Not a single vacancy," (replied the statesman). 
Jahn gaped, and began considering, when, after 
scratching his head, and snapping the finger and thumb 
of his right hand, as if something lucky had struck 

him, he edged by degrees to the side of Mr. J n, 

and as softly as he could, laid down by his right el- 
bow a guinea, but which guinea was unnoticed by 

Mr. J n, until Jahn, who was determined not 

to part so, gave the Minister a gentle jog. Mr. 
J — : — n startled, but still without noticing the 



IIS THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

guinea ; " I tell you, (cried he,) that there is no va- 
cancy." " Do look again, an' you please, sir, (cried 
Jahn) and mayhap you may find one; I gave some- 
thing to get into the house, you know, and here's 
something, if your honor won't be affronted, to get 

into pleace." Mr. J -n reddened at what would 

have been an insult from any but an ignorant man, 
felt an unmeant reproof that scandalized the office 
which he held, and putting the guinea in the poor 
fellow's hand, dismissed him with an order for the 
place he wanted. 

Although I know the above story to be a fact, yet 
I do not mean, by any means, to infer that there is 
any such thing as buying boroughs or places. I know 
that people think themselves very clever in making 
these wanton assaults and accusations, for which I 
think they richly deserve punishment. And I really do 
not see why a great man in place should not have the 
benefit of an action of damages, since admitting that 
such a thing as buying places might have existed here 
or there, yet truth is a libel, if a man suffers in trade 
by wanton representations of it; and certainly a man 
who might be so held up, would not be able to carry 
on his business the same as before; besides, the man 
who wants a place ought to have more decency and 
discretion to treat principles, (principals, I mean) 
with so much bluntness. It is the manner of doing a 
thing that is every thing, and I do very much object to 
any grossiereth in these matters, and shall always con- 
sider the man out of place who cannot manage better. 
But all this misconception of men and manners pro- 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 119 

ceeds from that mistaken philosophy which tries every 
thing by first principles, and which unreasonably de- 
nies that there can be virtue in politics, in war, or in 
trade, and that those things are all branches of phy- 
sical evil. Now I differ from this materially, and am 
of opinion with Lord Kaimes ; that as for war, it calls 
all the energy of the people into action, and that it 
produces instances of exalted courage and humanity, 
which could never have happened if so many common 
useless people had not been slaughtered to produce 
the stage effect of military virtue. As for politics, it 
infers so many trials of good faith in treaties, and of 
princely liberalities, that we are astonished at the pre- 
sumption of people who pretend (for it is merely phi- 
losophical pretension) to doubt of the existence of vir- 
tue in politics; and for trade, if it were not for virtue 
in trade, how many overcharges should we be sub- 
jected to, and surely the reasonableness of every ar- 
ticle shews how nicely the analogies of politics, war, 
and trade are preserved for the benefit of society. It 
is true, that some may prefer peace and the fine arts; 
but politics is a much, finer art than any other, though 
not so well understood as painting or engraving; it 
has, nevertheless, boasted many great masters, whose 
battle pieces are yet remembered. 



I congratulate my friends below, that, agreeable to 
my predictions, they are just now eating their Christ- 
mas roast beef and plumb pudding without asking 
leave of the Chief Consul of France ; it is true that he 
still threatens our shores, but when every officer of 



120 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

military talent, from the highest rank to the subaltern* 
are all engaged in our defence, we can have little to 
apprehend. 

Some antiquaries, walking last Sunday up Primrose- 
hillj discovered, in a place where the earth had been 
newly turned up, a leaden bullet, which engaged them 
to borrow a spade, and explore farther; when, after 
digging with a great deal of pains and caution, they 
obtained, at last, a considerable quantity of the same 
kind of bullets, all of a round form, from which they 
immediately drew the inference that some famous bat- 
tle had been formerly fought on that ground. 

Several volunteer corps had skirmished there the 
same week. 

The Glass Slipper is put off; but whether owing to 
its not having fitted the principal performer, or to its 
not having been sent home in time, is not yet divulged 
to the public. I know the cause, but nullum numen 
abest si sit prudentia. z. 



Erratum. — P. 108, 1. 14, add steak. 

109, 1. 28, for ascending read ascend. 



THE 



MAN IN THE MOON 



" A happy New Year to you." 

NEW YEAR'S DAY. 



NUMBER XVI. Wednesday, 4th Jan. 1S04, 

XX HAPPY new year to my readers ! may they en- 
joy a continuance of the blessings of the last, and be 
able to diminish all that remains of it unpleasant. 
May the untoward circumstances of ill success cease 
to annoy them, and may their enemies lose the power 
to do them harm. May they set out on the journey 
of another year with fresh hopes, and fresh spirits, 
accompanied by that Providence which for Moses 
brought w T ater from a rock, and gave a safe passage 
to the Israelites through the Red Sea, and which 
every day (for every day is a day of mercy) still con- 
tinues to work seeming miracles for those who have 
faith in the goodness and power of the Almighty. 

I trust that some reflections upon this revolving 
aera will not be unacceptable. To think of what is 
past, and upon what may hereafter happen ; I mean 
without darksome prospects of calamity. To take 
stock, as it were, of our good and bad habits, of the 
profits of our good managements, and of the loss oc- 
casioned by our mistakes and blunders, is opus diei in 

R 



122 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

die sno. A work fit and proper for the day, and will 
not only prove a moral advantage, but, will, considered 
as a matter of business, assist every man in his future 
temporal concerns. Let none be disheartened at 
looking into the account, or at the number of bad 
debts on their, books, which have arisen from trusting 
to pride, vanity, the promises of pleasure, or of vice ; 
but rather let them put them at the back of the 
ledger, and think no more about them, any further 
than to take care not to trust them again. 

The parable of our Saviour, " Lord, let it alone this 
year also," is an excellent lesson for those who have 
unemployed or mis-spent the time, or neglected the va- 
rious opportunities offered them of success and happi- 
ness. The parable says : — that there was a certain 
man who possessed a vineyard, in which we may fair- 
ly suppose his chief profit, and much of his pleasure 
consisted. It represents him as viewing with anxious 
expectation the coming harvest of his tenderness and 
care: he notices, among other objects of his cultiva- 
tion, a fig-tree^ barren, and without fruit; he views it 
around with an anxious look, big with disappointment 
and sorrow at its appearance, he stops, looks at it 
again, and after a moment's hesitation calls out to the 
dresser of his vineyard, " Behold, these three years I 
come seeking fruit on this fig-tree, and find none ; cut 
it down, why cumbereth it the ground ?" Such were 
the orders given by the master of the vineyard, and to 
the fullest extent would they have been obeyed, had 
not the dresser of the vines, who had hopes of even 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 123 

this fig-tree, compassionately answered, cc Lord, let rr 



ALONE THIS YEAR ALSO." 



Let us endeavour to apply this parable. — I believe 
that it will need but a little fair examination to con- 
fess that too many, like the barren fig-tree, only cum- 
ber the earth. The great Lord of the vineyard, 
who planted man in a good and fruitful soil, and whose 
providential hand raised him to a fair and full growth, 
has, I am afraid, too often looked in vain for the har- 
vest of his love and care; and after that full and per- 
fect growth, three years perhaps have passed without 
even the blossom of the fruit appearing, the anxious 
care of the first dressers of the vineyard, his parents, 
have perhaps availed little, though they have anxious- 
ly removed from about their tender plants (as far as 
in them lay) every noxious weed, and pruned out 
numberless superfluous shoots of folly, and luxuriant 
error. After all, no promise of fruit appears; yet ma- 
nured with the advantages of education, and fenced 
round with the experience and caution of aged vine- 
dressers, much might have been expected. 

The human mind is then the fig-tree in the parable, 
and the dresser of the vineyard, there represented, the 
Saviour himself; whose charity and love appears in 
the kind expressive language, Lord, let it alone this 
year also. In the picturesque scenery of life, pa- 
rents are the first dressers of the tender plants, com- 
mitted by the great master of the vineyard to their 
care; until, at length, the young labourer is thought 



124 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

of sufficient age and experience to take care of his 
own vine, and then it arrives that either it improves 
and comes to bear good fruit, or it is useless and un- 
profitable as the fig-tree in the parable ; the weeds of 
sloth often choke our good intentions, numerous bad 
habits spring up which prevent the growth of virtue, 
the frequent blights of bad example destroy the open- 
ing blossom, and the tree withers just as it has begun 
to bloom. It is barren and without fruit. Wretched 
is the situation of that fig-tree, should the lord of the 
vineyard turn his all-seeing eye towards it at the mo- 
ment, and exclaim, " Cut it down, why cumbereth it 
the ground ?" 

But the dresser of the vineyard answered, Lord, 
let it alone this year also; and it should appear by 
what follows in the parable, that the tree was spared, 
for he adds, " and if it bear fruit, well; and if not, 
then after that, thou shalt cut it down." There is 
something grateful and delightful to the human breast 
in the idea, c to spare/ it is compounded of love, mer- 
cy and charity; and be it but for a dog, the heart 
warms up with a glow of honest affection to save an old 
acquaintance. Let us recollect seriously how mercifully 
from year to year zcehaxe been spared; and yet, alas! 
one day passes on after another, without the slightest 
appearance of blossom, the tree still remains barren, 
that with a little attention might have become fair and 
fruitful. Melancholy the idea, that it should remain so 
until the time may arrive when it must be cut down ; 
however, a happy circumstance it is, that the lord of 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 1&5 

the vineyard has permitted even the unfruitful fig-tree 
to remain for this year also. Take then a little care, 
and the blossom will soon appear; it is not so much 
trouble to attend to it as is pretended, the culture is 
easy, and it only requires to be looked to morning 
and night. The lord of the vineyard will then admire 
the fruitful fig-tree, he will praise it above the others 
in the vineyard, he will rejoice over it, and allow it 
to remain to flourish upon earth, until the time when 
he will transplant it where no chilling blights can hurt 
it, and where it will bloom in the sunshine of eter- 
nal glory. 

To unbend from the more serious reflections, a new 
year's day generally brings with it a variety of new 
plans, regulations, improvements, and resolutions. It 
is astonishing how very clever, how very attentive to 
business, and how very industrious every one intends to 
be. Tom Drowsy, who is, really, when perfectly awake, 
the most active and pains-taking fellow in the world, 
resolves to begin the new year as he ought, and to 
rise every morning at seven o'clock, and so he does 
the very first morning. It it pleasant to hear Tom 
declare how delightful it is to rise early, what spirits 
it gives a man for business through the day; in short, 
he is perfectly astonished how any body can endure ly- 
ing a-bed, and adds the sage observation, that if we 
lose an hour in the morning, we run after it the whole 
day, without being able to overtake it. The next morn- 
ing, the careless stupid servant girl forgets to call Tom 
as usual, and the night preceding the day after, Tom 
staid out very late ; Tom begins now to say less about 



126 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

rising early, and at length he becomes again what he 
always was, and I fear ever will be, the same identi- 
cal Tom Drowsy. Bill Blunder is another of these 
anniversary reformists ; the Jirst day of every new 
year he buys a new pocket book, with ruled pages 
for cash, memorandums, &c. in which he is now actu- 
ally determined to keep clear and correct accompts ; 
and so he does, for in the very. first page you may no- 
tice — Cash received of Mr. Wilson, five pounds — Cash 
lent to Mr. Tilson, ten shillings and sixpence — 
bought a new broom for the maids, three shillings — 
dinner, seven shillings — spent at the play, entrance, 
six shillings 3 in the coffee-room, five shillings; inci- 
dental expences, three pounds three shillings. How- 
ever, the next night Bill comes home tipsy, puts off 
his entries until the next morning, and forgets one 
half of them; and a day or two after, Bill positively 
forgets whether he lent Mr. Tilson a two pound, or 
Mr. Tilson lent it him. Bill's accompts are now be- 
come so completely puzzled, that he gives up the at- 
tempt to disentangle them, and the remaining pages 
will, if he chuses to begin afresh, serve for the next 
year. Tom Tarnish is the next anniversary reformist 
that I have noticed; he is always resolved upon the 
first day of a new year to begin the vita perfecta, to 
forsake all his bad habits, to begin to study hard, and 
to be discreet and prudent. The first day of the new 
year, Tom is always found shut up in his chambers, 
poring over immense folios ; he looks wise, and steady ; 
his father and his friends, who happen to call to wish 
him a happy new year, with difficulty get admittance 
to see him, and when they enter his room it resembles 



THE MAN IN THE MOON; 127 

from the scenery of the volumes on the floor, Stone- 
henge. Tom is in the midst, but full of his new 
scheme; he scarcely notices his father, and they all 
leave him astonished at the new life he is about to 
lead. The Friday following, his old school-fellow, Harry 
Scamper, looks in, asks him to take a walk; Tom 
leaves the folios on the floor, sallies forth, determined 
to return immediately ; stays out till three o'clock 
in the morning; comes home drunk in a hackney 
coach ; has lost his watch and money ; reflects the 
next day at breakfast, and finds himself the very 
same Tom Tarnish that he was the last year. Jack 
Ledger is a very different character to the former; he 
has actually kept an account for several years of all his 
comings in and goings out. Jack Ledger can tell to 
a shilling his balance at the year's end, andean fill up 
the schedule of the income tax without a moment's 
hesitation. There never was a man so correct as Jack 
Ledger ; but, alas, Jack's mind is a mere waste book, 
in which nothing has been set down but buying and 
selling, cash received, and cash paid. Jack's ideas are 
ruled for pounds, shillings, and pence; and it would 
not be at all surprising, after dissection, to find his 
brain a complete numeration table ; in short, there is 
nothing of value to Jack, but value received. This, 
now, is a truly methodical character, and every new 
year will begin with as much correctness, and conti- 
nue as correct as the former. 

Nothing can be more pleasant than to be clear and 
consistent without the slavish exactness of the com- 
mon trader. Let us endeavour to be as correct and 



in 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 



just a* we can, and though folly may sometimes fill 
tip a place in the journal, we may indulge the hope, 
that the balance may nevertheless be in our favour • 
since, in a just accompt, the debtor and creditor's 
sides are added up. Do not let us despair even of 
overcoming the habits that have interfered with our 
book-keeping ; or, above any thing, allow one inter- 
ruption or neglect to dishearten us from going on in 
general correctness, nor let us confine the recom- 
mencement of our resolutions to a new year's day. 
Every, or any day will serve to begin a good work; 
and if we are not perfectly correct, we may be so 
much so as to inform us within a little of the state of 
our accompt. It is the bad man alone who com- 
mences his course again, with new oppressions and ex- 
tortions, who has entirely to change the character of 
his mind ; for weaknesses and foibles, though it is our 
duty to overcome and forsake them, are within the 
meaning of that forgiveness which knows the nature 
of human infirmity, and which will not set down in the 
great account of all those errors which bring their 
punishment with them, in the same page with the com- 
plicated enormities of the wicked, which poison and 
destroy the happiness of their fellow creatures, and 
which are perhaps past atonement. z. 



THE 



MAN IN THE MOON. 



Who can but love the sex? whoever hates it, is a stranger to virtue, grace, and humanity." 

agrippa's defence. 



Number XVII. Saturday, 1th Jan. 1804. 

X HAVE just received a very serious remonstrance 
from Miss Arabella Lively; which, as it also conveys 
something like a hint for a little mischief, I shall give 
it in her own words, that her friends may know to 
whom they are indebted for my animadversions on the 
fair sex. 

cc MY DEAR MR. MAN IN THE MOON, 

" What can you possibly have been thinking of all 
this time? you certainly have forgotten like true man, 
the promise you made in one of your very first Num- 
bers, that the affairs of the ladies should sometimes be 
attended to. Instead of which, your Paper contains 
nothing but dull politics, purity, morals, Buonaparte, 
Newfoundland dogs, &c. &c. but not one single word 
about Madame Lanchester, fashions, thin drapery; 
ridicules, &c. ; and then your characters are man peo- 
ple, as if we were not as busy and as conspicuous as 
they are in society. But, perhaps, you are of the 
same opinion with Mr. Pope, who said, " most wo- 

s 



130 THE MAX IN THE MOON. 

men have no characters at all." I know that a great 
deal of nonsense may be written upon any subject; 
but with due deference to yourself, and Mr. Pope, 
we are very much characterised, and therefore ought, 
to be satirised in the present day; and I insist that 
there are, from time to time, more prominent charac- 
ters among us than among your sex. For my part, I 
candidly confess, that I like to quiz myself, for the de- 
lightful satisfaction it gives me of quizzing other people. 
My dear Mr. Man in the Moon, your Paper never will 
succeed, unless you are a little scandalous. It will never 
have one half the sale of Madame Lanchester's Dress 
Book, unless you can draw living characters. Come, 
come, if it were not that I do not wish to be absolutely 
ill-natured, I could help ye to a few for you to begin 
with; for instance, my own cousin, the soft and delicate 
Miss BellamiraBlushington, who went with us last sum- 
mer in a barge to Richmond; who, though fashion 
had stript her almost naked, was so very modest that 
she could not bear any body to look at her, and actu- 
ally fainted away because a gentleman next her hap- 
pened to touch her bare elbow. Then there is the 
amiable and accomplished Mrs. Anchovy, Alderman 
Anchovy's wife, who, one daj r , at a city feast, got a 
piece of hot potatoe into her mouth, and made as 
great a variety of ugly faces with the torture as a 
mountebank at a fair, before her politeness would let 
her sputter it out on her plate. By the elegant, way 
she orders her knife and fork, you may know that her 
husband is a volunteer; and her next door neighbour, 
at dinner, is always in dread when the amiable Mrs. 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. . 131 

Anchovy carries arms. You would be delighted, Mr. 
Man in the Moon, to see Mrs. Alderman Ancho\y 
carve a goose ; she seizes a tremendous knife and 
fork, and stands up, her arms being nearly at right 
angles with her body, and then she haggles at a wing, 
until it flies off into the plate of one of the astonished 
guests, with a sufficient quantity of gravy ; yet Mrs. 
Anchovy is monstrously refined, and cannot bear any 
thing vulgar. I think that this character would do 
very well, drest with your sauce piquante. Apropos, 
another has just come into my head, Miss Bridget 
Hopkins, the methodist clergyman's daughter; I had 
one day the curiosity to look over her father's shoul- 
der, at the head or skeleton of one of his discourses, 
when I observed he had quoted an author whose 
name I could not recollect for the life of me, it was 
Harry Slot ties until, upon enquiry of the preacher, I 
found that the author meant was the great Aristotle 
himself. This is a fact, upon my honour. Miss is mu- 
sical, and always entertains her friends with singing 
psalms, accompanied by her two little ugly brothers, 
one of whom takes the treble, the other the counter 
tenor, and Miss the base. C'est tin drole ragout cela. 
I am afraid that I shall be tiresome, otherwise I could 
give you a charming groupe of female characters ; if 
you chuse to accept them, let me know 5 but, perhaps, 
you will chuse to begin with vie-, do, if you please, 
most satirical sir. I am very fond of walking by the 
light of the moon. Adieu. 

" I am, with much regard, yours, 

Grosvenor Street, Jan, Qd, 1804. " ARABELLA LIVELY." 



132 THE -MAN IN THE MOON. 

Immediately upon the receipt of the above letter, 
curiosity induced me to find out the residence of my 
fair correspondent in Grosvenor-street ; when, through 
the accustomed aperture, the hole in the window shut- 
ter of her room, I discovered the amiable Miss Ara- 
bella Lively in a charming gossip with the amiable 
Miss Bellamira Blushington, and could hear her (for 
sound is instantly conveyed from the window shutter 
to my residence through the tube of the moon beam 
converging to my ear) using the most tender expres- 
sions to her friend : <c My love, won't you take some 
coffee ?" — " How well you do look to-night !" — " What 
a charming dress !" &c. &c. " O fve, Miss Arabella 
Lively, if you must be satirical, you should be sincere; 
besides, dare you talk of naked drapery, good heavens, 
how transparent !" Bellamira, and Arabella, charming 
cousins ! ic However there is some honesty in declar- 
ing that you don't mind being quizzed yourself, if 
you can but have the privilege of quizzing others." 
Now, my dear Miss Lively, do you know- that I am 
in love with the whole sex; you will laugh immoderate- 
ly, no doubt, at the idea of the Man, in the Moon, 
who is represented an oldfdlozv, as you call it, being 
so universal a gallant. I don't know how it is, but 
with a very few exceptions, I believe women, particu- 
larly English women, to be mild, gentle, affectionate 
creatures. I don't mean to beg this question of Mr. 
Timid, who has a scolding wife; or of Mr. Solus, 
whose wife ran away the other day with a captain. I 
mean to take the aggregate of virtue, grace, and ac- 
complishment throughout the kingdom; and the. 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 133 

amount of virtue, grace, and accomplishment will be 
found immense, it enriches the empire. How tender 
of their offspring; how economical in their families; 
how attentive to the moral and religious duties of life 
are women. I do believe, if it were not that modest 
women, by their chaste endearments restrain the li- 
centiousness of man, society would cease to exist. 

Now with respect to the nakedness of the ladies, I 
shall attempt a word or two in their defence : I com- 
pare the female character to truth, and every body 
knows that the naked truth is best; the reason is, that 
truth has a beautiful and lovely form, and shame can 
never be attached to it. Now the comparison is clear. 
The ladies of the present day have beautiful and love- 
ly forms, and very little shame; ergo, they resemble 
truth. I shall not say a word about the new invented 
corsets, since they help to make up things to advan- 
tage, and as the embonpoint is all the fashion; nor 
about red elbows, since the pink dye is the rage. I 
long positively for the next masquerade, or to be in- 
troduced to this famous Madame Lanchester, that I 
may know how to undress the ladies of the moon, of 
whose manners and customs I intend hereafter to give 
some account. z. 



" SIR, 



" For heaven's sake, Mr. Man in the Moon, whi- 
ther, like Phaeton, are you driving full speed? do pause 
a moment ere you go a single step farther. Have 



134 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

you any conception of the race of people you are en- 
lightening with your rays of knowledge ? and pray, 
why after all did you prefer illumining England? Is it 
because your brethren, the Israelites, there find an 
asylum ? For the honour of humanity I will believe it 
to be so, and that pure gratitude influenced your mo- 
tives. But, pray sir, take care what you do, or you 
will be caricatured in every print shop at the west 
end of the town $ for know, sir, that the English are 
a nation of — not shopkeepers, as a great little man 
has advanced, but a nation of profile painters. You 
recollect what one of the ancients says of the origin 
of profiles ; according to the imperfect image pre- 
served in the saloon of my memory, I believe it was 
Quintilian, or if it was not him it must be somebody 
else; for I, being of the modern school, am utterly 
unable to forge it, even in this age of forgeries. 
However, if you read half the classics carefully over, 
you will probably find a passage beginning habet in 
pictara speciam; but as I hate all the classics, except- 
ing Hoyle's Games, and the Racing Calendar, you 
will excuse my going on with the quotation ; he tells us, 
that Apelles having to paint the portrait of a person 
who had lost an eye, he avoided introducing the dis- 
agreeable object by the invention of the profile. You 
know, Mr. Man in the Moon, that great examples form 
mighty precedents, and therefore in imitation of the 
immortal Appelles, the English paint entirely in profile. 
They are, upon my honour, sir, nothing but profile 
painters. Look at Peter Parasite's picture of my Lord 
Lugubrc, his carbuncle nose, wide mouth, and irregular 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 135 

eye-brows, are reduced in plans ; and every one who 
sees the picture only, would swear that his lordship is a 
very handsome man. The fact is, that one side of his 
lordship's face is rmich smaller than the other, and 
less deformed; this side thin, which some call the right 
side, is what the painter chose. Yet even here the artist 
could not avoid flattering his lordship, who esteems it 
a devilish good likeness; though a whole party on be- 
ing asked to say who it was painted for, were unable 
even to guess ; when his lordship broke out in an oath, 
" Why, damme, it is me." A caricaturist, on see- 
ing the picture displayed at Somerset -house, framed a 
counterpart, taking care to double every deformity — 
strange to tell, every body knew for whom it was in- 
tended. The graceful exterior of his lordship being 
amply described, the interior was reserved for the An- 
nual Biographer, for his lordship, by means of news- 
paper paragraphs, for which he pays at least three 
hundred a year, has acquired some degree of popula- 
rity — notoriety, I would say. Now behold the assi- 
duity of Mr. Anonymous, in the first instance, he 
gives an outline sketch of his lordship, " from a paint- 
ing by Mr. Parasite, R. A. in the possession of his 
lordship." He then proceeds to delineate his lordship's 
mind, where he discovers learning, wit, and genuine 
humour, a refined understanding, and a heart heredi- 
tary noble and munificent. His lordship's taste, (he 
says) is the standard of worth and genius, and his opi- 
nions the result of profound erudition, and an exten- 
sive knowledge of human nature. Mr. Anonymous 
has not informed us how much he received for this 



136 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

string of compliments; but he certainly deserves a re- 
muneration for concealing that his lordship was hung 
up by the thumbs in one coffee-house, caned in a se- 
cond, and kicked out of a third, for defrauding the 
house of a couple of bottles of claret which he had 
drank. Why did he not expatiate on the same horse- 
whipping which his lordship received at Newmarket, 
and his being dismissed from the army for cowardice ? 
Why did not the panegyrist tell us, that Lord Lugubre 
shot his best hunter because he was a bad horseman, and 
that while guardian of a public charity, he appropri- 
ated the offerings of benevolence to his own avarice; 
that none but Lord Lugubre would have escaped the 
gallows for his crimes ; and that wherever he goes, 
his vices and ugliness, which are in reality counter- 
parts of each other, occasion him to be pointed out as 
a man to be hated, and as a monster to be shunned ; 
but that was reserved probably for 

" Your humble servant, 



A Critique on iJie New Piece of Cinderella will be in the next Number, 



THE 



MAN IN THE MOON 



Omnes ordines ad conservandam rempublicam, mente, voluntate, studio, virtute, voce, 
consentiunt." 

CICERO, OR. 4. IN CAT, 



NUMBER XVIII. Wednesday, llthJan. 1804. 

TO THE MAN IN THE MOON, 
" SIR, 

x SHALL thank you to give the underwritten a 
place in your paper, it is a just tribute to the volun- 
teers of the country.* ' 

<( It has always been considered a memorable and glo- 
rious era in the political or moral history of a nation, 
when its citizens have cheerfully and voluntarily taken 
up arms in its defence. The most renowned periods 
*>f ancient times are those in which this virtue was 
most conspicuous, and there is such a natural and 
moral beauty in it, that it has not failed, whenever 
displayed, to win the applause of all succeeding ages. 
The most admired acts on record derive their charm 
from this source. We cannot separate the bravery 
of Leonidas and his three hundred Spartans from their 
patriotism, nor forget that they died in the protection 
of their country. 



138 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

" And when I contemplate that voluntary and uni\ 
sal association for the national defence, which England 
at this moment exhibits, I am tempted to assert that 
it does not yield the palm to all antiquity, nor do the 
annals of the world furnish another instance of the 
kind, which, upon a review of concomitant relations 
and circumstances, is worthy of a comparison with it. 
Methinks it is the delineation of a new feature in the 
character of man. Whilst, however, we regard the 
volunteers of this kingdom only as a body of men, 
who have, on some sudden occasion, cast away the 
implements of agriculture, and the tools of mechanic 
art, to assume the profession of arms, we must remem- 
ber that the states of Greece and Rome also could once 
boast the union of citizen and soldier m the same per- 
son amongst them, yet it will be remembered also, that 
in them it arose from the very nature of their govern- 
ments, their education and early prejudices, which prin- 
cipally conspired to this single point; and thai 
contemporary nations looked on, and feared, yet the 
philosopher wept that this grand feature of nation; 1 
racter was as often employed in the cause of ambition, 
rapacity, or revenge, as on the side of patriotism 
justice. He admired the principle, but deplored the 
dreadful consequences of such an instrument, v. 
not used in the service of virtue. But amongst us, 
this general association of men — this thirst of arms — 
this iron front of war, is called forth by the voice of 
our country, which cries for aid, and by the sudden 
inspiration of that principle alone, which is called 
the love of it. The states of Greece and Rome 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 13Q 

from nations of soldiers might at any time call up 
their armies, already formed by vast labour and se- 
vere discipline; for the most powerful stimu'atives 
actuated the willing, and the fear of perpetual in- 
famy goaded on the tardy. The whole machine al- 
ready existed, and needed but a hand to set it 
in motion. Nor do we even now wonder at the vast 
muster-roll of France, when we see it inscribed with 
the names of the vile and indigent, the criminals and 
fugitives of all nations, eager to share in the general 
plunder, and of conscripts for whose fidelity the lives 
and fortunes of their parents and friends are respon- 
sible. But, however such soldiers may swell the num- 
bers of an army, or even add to its power; however 
martial their atchievements, or splendid their victories 
may be, they do not receive the applause of the vir- 
tuous, or live in the memory of mankind. For the 
most part they flourish only to be forgotten ; and, hav- 
ing blazed forth with momentary glare to mark the 
bloody path of murderous war, they sink into eternal 
gloom with the world's execration upon them. But 
amongst us is exhibited an object grander and more 
sublime in itself, and infinitely worthy in its end. We 
behold a blaze of military ardor suddenly break forth 
in a nation of traders — a peaceful and commercial 
people; we behold the flame of patriotism in one 
breast kindle the lire in another, and the generous 
enthusiasm extend itself through all classes of men ; 
we see them voluntarily rise up into an army of sol- 
diers, in general, accoutred and maintained at their 
own charge, and exhibiting, as it were, the birth of a 



140 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

million of heroes in a day. They are not mercenaries 
who sell themselves to wield the sword in any cause, 
or prodigal of life, who rush to meet the death they 
desire; but men who feel that the cause is emphati- 
cally their own, and who voluntarily start up from the 
lap of affluence, of ease, or comfort, to assume the 
weapons of war, to pant and toil in battle, and cheer- 
fully devote themselves to the hardships and chances 
of the field; — men, who forego the stations and ad- 
vantages which generally make us niggards of life, 
boldly to adventure themselves in the service and pre- 
servation of the state against the ravagers of fields, 
and desolators of kingdoms. They take not up the 
sword to injure, but to protect; not to destroy the li- 
berties of others, but to preserve their own; not to 
plunder or massacre the defenceless, but to save them 
from rapacity and blood. With these pre-eminent 
distinctions, the British volunteers cannot fail to be 
the darlings of fame ; and history will love to hand 
them down to the admiration of future ages. And 
why ? To the most uncommon display of military pay- 
geant and martial ardour, they add the noblest and 
purest of motives — -the cause of justice, of man, and 
their own independence. If we ask for the spring which 
has set this vast machine in motion, the answer is, our 
lives and liberties are endangered by the hostile pre- 
parations of our enemies to invade and enslave our 
country^ Nor is the cause any way too weak for the 
effect. The love of life and liberty is the lever of 
Archimedes^ which, having found a fulcrum in the 
hearts of men, is able to raise a world. Slavery is 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 141 

the thief which robs nature of beauty, and life of 
joy; whilst freedom is the charm which gives to all 
things the smile of delight, and makes life, under all 
circumstances, tolerable. Why did the Swiss so lately 
glory in their barren mountains ? They were free. Why 
do they now behold them with a sigh; why turn their 
backs on their beloved country, and lothe their very be- 
ing? Alas! liberty is no more a resident there; she no 
more belongs to them. She has forsaken her dwelling 
in their hills of storms, no longer softens the flinty rocks 
to their feet, or binds their brows with the wild flowers 
of the heath: she no longer cheers their toil, or blesses 
their frugal board with her heavenly smiles. Can a na- 
tion be easily enslaved, where every man is a patriot, 
and every patriot a soldier? The profession of arms be- 
comes more than ever dignified, and the soldier invin- 
cible in the cause of his country, since the sword is 
sanctified which is drawn in her defence, and he en- 
nobled who wields it manfully in the day of battle. 
Indeed, the most brilliant feats which mark the pages 
of history, have been atchieved under the influence of 
this cause; feats of prowess in battle, which humanity 
herself loves to contemplate. For all ages have had 
their patriot bands, their chosen few, who fought to 
preserve, and scorned to survive their country; though 
too often they have shone only to illumine, not to 
fire the hearts of their countrymen, and extorted their 
praise without exciting their imitation. Within our 
own memory, the patriots of Poland arose terrible in 
arms to resist the unjust partition of their country by 
foreign powers 5 but they fell unsuccessful, for want of 



142 THE MAN IN Tilt MOON. 

that universal spirit of association, that unity and 
complete organization, that universally active prin- 
ciple of zealous attachment tc- freedom which we dis- 
play. Their cause was, indeed, the cause of liberty 
and independence, but it was a liberty and indepen- 
dence which the great bulk of the nation had never felt, 
and the value of which they knew not therefore how to 
appreciate. The patriots of Helvetia too made a 
faint struggle to preserve the freedom which Tell be- 
queathed to them, but in vain: they had fatally ad- 
mitted the vipers into their bosoms, and drank deeply 
of the poison by which they were undone. But here 
we see a whole nation of freemen formed into one 
great patriot army; undebased by the venom which 
deadens, and the shackles which confine the faculties 
of man ; an army, comprising the pride of our nobi- 
lity, the richest of our merchants, and the flower of 
our youth, with all the sweet charities of life and their 
possessions to defend, and souls that dare to defend 
them at the utmost hazard; an army possessing every 
motive to unity, every excitement to valour, and every 
promise of victory. In childhood they were taught to 
cry, " Old England for ever !" and as they grew up 
into manhood, a thousand obligations confirmed the 
love of their country. Many of them have fathers, 
mothers, brothers and sisters, relations and friends; all 
have some sweet affection in life to cherish; and to 
preserve them from the savage hand of murderous 
invaders are they now assembled in arms. In the 
language of my motto, the universal cry, the uni- 
versal effort is towards the safety of the si; 



THE MAN IN THE MOON, 143 

How delightful it is to see a whole nation rise in 
arms in the common cause, and lose all private consi- 
derations in their zeal to advance the public good : the 
philosopher contemplates them with complacency, and 
the patriot with rapture. Even the philanthropist in- 
vokes a blessing on their weapons, and smiles through 
his tears to see that the iron bond of war has not only 
girded with swords the foes of man to destroy, but 
also the friends of man to save from destruction; and, 
when it is considered that a nation marked out for 
prey, and threatened with invasion by a bold and 
mighty enemy, is of all others a spectacle most inte- 
resting and awful, the heroic actions and magnificent 
deeds of kings and conquerors sink in the estimation, 
when compared with the hostile fronts of these five 
hundred thousand of her sons, resolved to preserve her 
free, or perish with her. When it is considered also, 
that the eyes of the world are upon them, and that 
they are the champions not only of their own, but of 
tne general independence of Europe and of man, I 
cannot conceive any thing beyond to heighten or dig- 
nify the picture. Methinks every heart must applaud 
them, and every tongue put up a prayer for their suc- 
cess. To them look up for protection, the young, the 
old, the weak, and the infirm, the wives of their bo- 
soms, and the children of their loins ; and, I trust, the 
appeal will not be in vain, but that heaven will assist 
them in this cause of justice, their own independence, 
and of man. Let their enemies tremble, but let their 
friends rejoice at the numbers and spirit of their 
champions; for such must surely be invincible, and 



144 THE MAN IN THt MOON. 

will receive as their due the meed of victory. To therri 
shall the chorus of praise arise, and for ever shall they 
live in the remembrance of Britain. Aftertimes shall 
look back to their existence as the revived era of pa- 
triotism and ancient virtue, and the vices and follies 
of the day be forgotten or overlooked in the contem- 
plation of their glory. The historian, when he comes 
to narrate of them, shall plume, his wings afresh, and 
address himself with collected powers to the task. He 
shall tell of their numbers, their strength, their enthu- 
siasm, their free and devoted sacrifice of themselves 
for the public weal, their generous contempt of gain, 
and patient endurance of fatigue; and he will hold up 
their example to the imitation of mankind. 

cc For sweet is the breath of fame, sweet the praises 
of the hero, and sweet the minstrel's song, which bears- 
his deeds of valour down to the latest times. Noble 
is the monument of the patriot entombed in their 
hearts, whom his valour has saved, and sacred his 
grave bedewed with the grateful tears of his country." 

F. 



TJie Critique on the New Piece of Cinderella is unavoidably postponed until 
the next Number. 



THE 



MAN IN THE MOON. 



Number XIX. Saturday, nth Jan. 1804. 

CRITIQUE ON THE ENTERTAINMENT OF CINDERELLA, 
&C. &C. 

JL DO not entertain the opinion that there is not any 
thing that deserves notice but great and mighty mat- 
ters, and that in the mention of the drama, a farce, 
or a pantomime, is below criticism; I am of opinion, 
that every thing which is good of its kind, should be 
preserved ; a mite is acceptable in the work of charity, 
and in that of truth or morality the humblest attempt 
to uphold virtue, and to correct the heart, has its va- 
lue in proportion as it serves to assist the great cause 
of humanity, and to add up something more in the 
sum of good to man. In the present depraved state of 
morals and taste, even a pantomime may serve to refresh 
the memory, and bring the old-fashioned lessons we re- 
ceived in childhood to our recollection, to make us con- 
tinue to be pleased with virtue, and in love with the 
unalterable character of truth. I shall, therefore, upon 

u 



146 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

these grounds detail the performance of the new piece 
called Cinderella, or the Glass Slipper; and first, 
of the plot. The goddess Venus, and the little god Cu- 
pid, who certainly make themselves as busy w ith mortals 
as any of the other deities, be they who they may, are 
represented as desirous to enslave a young handsome 
prince in the toils of virtuous love, and a great deal 
of consultation is held in heaven (and a very beautiful 
place heaven is represented to be) : at this consulta- 
tion, Venus decides upon the proper object for the 
prince's love; and by her extraordinary judgment in 
such affairs, finds her out in the person of the unhappy 
Cinderella, who suffers every thing disgraceful from 
the cruelty and contempt of her two sisters, who do 
not altogether vary in the features of character from 
many fine ladies of the present day. Poor Cinderella 
is kept in the kitchen to do the domestic duties of a 
servant ; a man is also kept, and, at the commands of 
Jiis mistress, his duty is to domineer over, and to per- 
plex the unfortunate Cinderella; a middle character, 
known also in common life, where ignorance assumes 
fresh arrogance upon derived consequence, and op- 
presses and insults the weak. Not so this honest 
fellow, who seeks opportunities to comfort the debased 
and distrest Cinderella; and, as it not unfrequently 
happens in real life, an apparently trifling incident 
leads to a great event. A poor beggar boy, attended 
by his mother, comes to the door of the two sisters, but 
are rejected with scorn ; for the ladies are invited to 
the ball to be given by the young prince, and pride and 
vanity occupy their minds. The poor beggar boy, 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 147 

who is, in fact, Cupid, attended by one of the compa- 
nions of Venus, having been turned out of the upper 
room, visits the kitchen, and there ask food of the 
humble Cinderella. Here nature prevails, and, affec- 
tionate to the poor, she divides with them her scanty 
meal, supplied her by the honest attendant ; the moral, 
which effects so much in the original story upon the 
young mind, now begins to appear, and the heart beats 
with the delightful impulse attending the contempla- 
tion of a kind and good action. She gives — and she 
receives a reward she did not expect ; and she who 
was insultingly refused a ticket for the ball by her sis- 
ters, is invited to it by Cupid, who assumes the dress 
of the prince's page. A pumpkin becomes changed 
into a magnificent car, and some mice let out of a 
trap are transformed into six handsome ponies ; ab- 
surd as this may appear to a cold and torpid specta- 
tor, it certainly does awaken in the sensible mind lively 
impressions of the success of good intentions, attended 
with a glow of triumph on the side of virtue, Cinde- 
rella receives, however, a charge to quit the ball be- 
fore the hour of twelve; from which this moral may be 
drawn — that we can only indulge pleasure with safety 
while we use it with discretion. At the ball, Cinderella 
is not known by her flaunt y sisters ; but she occupies 
the sole attention of the prince, becomes his partner, 
and is seated by his side — a true emblem of vicissitude 
in life. The time now advances fast to the limited 
hour, but love (and the idea has much naiveth and 
beauty) manages to put back the hand of the dial. 
Inexorable Time, however, rectifies the mistake, and 



148 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

in the midst of the dance Cinderella listens to the 
hour striking twelve. In trepidation and despair she 
hears the last stroke of the bell, but too late ; her fine 
dress in an instant becomes the homely garb of the 
kitchen maid, and her poor honest attendant, who had 
been adorned also, by the magic of the goddess, in ele- 
gant attire, re-assumes the garb of the serving-man. 
Cinderella is now recognized by her sisters, and is hus- 
tled out of the ball room, leaving behind her a glass 
slipper; shewing, in a very moral point of view, the pu- 
nishment of excess, and the mischief of disobedience. 
The prince, enamoured with the fair stranger who ap- 
peared at the ball, now issues an edict, offering his 
hand to the lady whom the glass slipper should fit. 
The ascent of Cupid in the planet Venus, which 
shoots down to receive him, has a charming effect, and 
keeps up the classical beauties of the piece. The un- 
happy Cinderella receives forgiveness for her fault, and 
her honest attendant very opportunely, as he thinks, 
brings in another pumpkin and another trap of mice, 
in hopes of another chariot and horses, but he is de- 
ceived ; and the wholesome old maxim, that an op- 
portunity lost is not to be regained, becomes verified s 
they have new difficulties to overcome. In the next 
scene the candidates for the slipper appear, and 
among the rest the sisters of Cinderella, who ex- 
perience all the mortifications of presumption. Nu- 
merous are the claimants who are dismissed, and, at 
last, through the persuasion of her faithful attendant, 
Cinderella appears in her homely garb a candidate for 
the prize ^ but she is only hooted at and pushed aside 






THE MAN IN THE MOON. 149 

by her cruel sister s, until the prince comes forward 
and nobly asserts the right of even the humblest indi- 
vidual to a trial; when, to the great astonishment of 
all, the slipper fits, and she produces the other from 
her bosom. Cinderella, now in the seat of honour, for- 
gives her oppressors, embraces her sisters, and tastes 
the true gratification and triumph of modest merit 
over the circumstances of her former wayward fortune. 
This may justly be called a speaking pantomime, for 
it does speak most feelingly to the heart. Very many 
indeed are the instances of mind in the author, besides 
the natural beauties of the design, taken from my old 
friend, Mother Goose, whose little gilt folio is, in my 
opinion, worth all that Mirabeau ever wrote. Genius, 
truth, and taste are combined in the piece of Cinde- 
rella, in a way that can please and delight "with real 
and lasting entertainment. 

Much are the proprietors, renters, and managers 
indebted to Mother Goose, and her getter up, for a 
production that promises to produce so much to the 
treasury. It would ill become the Man in the Moon 
to pass over in silence the just discrimination of cha- 
racter in the acting of Miss De Camp; it is chaste 
and natural, and the modesty of the depreciated Cin- 
derella is admirably preserved throughout the piece. A 
change of fortune does not puff up with arrogance the 
mind impressed with truth and virtue, nor does the 
elegant manners of this excellent comedian in the last 
act make us believe that Cinderella is another per? 
eon. 



150 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

I shall just add a few words that may not be alto- 
gether unappropriate to the present subject. I shall 
speak of that management of theatres which has near- 
ly destroyed the desire of many writers to produce 
pieces, from the extreme difficulty of notice from, or 
access to, a manager, It is the habit of those gentle- 
men to ask authors who have produced pieces, 
perhaps some very flimsy ones,) to give them something 
for the season; and the consequence is, that the favourite 
play writer is presently delivered of a lump of impro- 
bability, which he licks into a little shape, and carries 
in his pocket to the stage door, where any thing from 
Mr. Addle is received : perhaps the thing may be 
damned, and most likely it ought. The excuse of 
a manager is, that it is impossible to read all the 
pieces that are sent to a theatre ; however, the fact is, 
that the indolent abilities of those gentlemen will not 
allow them to read and judge the work of a stran- 
ger. I recollect an anecdote of an author, who, some 
time ago, wrote a comedy which he thought would 
be acceptable. It was sent in the usual way to the 
theatre, and it came back with the usual negative. 
The author did not despair; he happened to know a 
Jady of high fashion who knew the manager; she pro- 
mised to patronize the thing, and, what is somewhat 
uncommon among those people, kept her promise. 
The manager read, and approved, and the author re- 
ceived a letter to see him* The manager suggested 
only a few alterations, and the characters were cast 
for the performers. Now it happened, in conversation, 
that the author candidly told the manager, that the 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 151 

same piece had been sent to him before, and rejected 5 
the answer was — " Why, sir, we cannot read every 
thing, unless we know the author, or have it recom- 
mended to us." I would, however, wish to teach ma- 
nagers to read. It is a duty they owe the public, and 
a matter of business to judge of every thing sent them. 
Merit might then find an easier access, and the pub- 
lic better pieces. 

It is remarkable that the same analogy of weak 
judgment pervades in the highest and lowest offices of 
the kingdom ; genius and merit were never more ob- 
scured than in the present times; the brilliancy of the 
nation is lost, and a like poverty may be observed of 
talent and taste. It is true, that authors live much 
better than they did; that is, they receive money regu- 
larly from booksellers, like law stationers hackney 
writers, at so much a sheet; and, like them, the more 
they can write in a day the better; the matter does 
not so much signify, for one thing can be just as well 
subscribed off as another in these days : yet they 
remain poor authors; only their poverty now appears 
through their works, instead of through the medium 
of a thread-bare coat. When will the quackery so 
much practised have its end ? When will genius stand 
no more in need of the assistances of literary fraud to 
recommend it? This subject, by a very natural chain 
of ideas, brings to my recollection the real merit of the 
much neglected Dibd-n, who has entertained us with 
poetry full of spirit, character, moral, and truth; until 
spirit, character, moral, and truth have palled upon the 
public appetite. I attribute this torpidity (I had nearly 



152 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

said stupidity) of the town to a disease, otherwise it 
could not triumph so long over the constitution of the 
British understanding, In a former Number, I hinted 
at the desertion of the town from the temple of genius 
and taste, where the above author has so long pre- 
sided. If it may have inclined some to think of the 
injustice which may be done to merit by leaving it 
a V abandon after good service in the cause of morals, 
I shall be satisfied; for I do not wish to carp at the 
public generosity; it is manifested on many occasions. 
I only take the part of a brother who has deserved 
well of society; because he has discriminated just and 
noble sentiments of charity, love, loyalty, and truth, 
and given to the common mind humane dispositions 
that will long be found to act upon society. z. 

N. B. A sage and learned student in optimism, 
having discovered, after a painful investigation of 
fifty years, that " the best of all worlds" is no other 
than the world of the Moon; hereby recommends 
Mons. Garnerin, and all other experienced aeronauts, 
to commence a voyage thither with all possible dis- 
patch; assuring them, that when they arrive in the 
sphere of the moon's attraction, the rich country of El 
Dorado will lie directly before them, and the Man in 
the Moon will be ready to be their interpreter. 

PAN GLOSS. 



THE 



MAN IN THE MOON 



" He is fool, and ever shall, 

« Who writes his name against a wall. 



NUMBER XX. Wednesday, l$th Jan. 1804. 

XT may easily be discovered in what the good sense 
of the above old saying consists. It is most probably 
meant to mark the folly of people exposing them- 
selves and their affairs unnecessarily. An appeal to 
the public is, perhaps, the very worst of all appeals ; 
every man is in that case an arbitrator; and so nu- 
merous, so fanciful, and so opiniated are their awards, 
that there is no getting at a true decision. 

The above observations occur from recent matters 
which have been laid before the board of the public 
attention. The first in the affair of a distinguished 
personage, of w T hose military merits and courage no 
one ever doubted; and yet this person, exalted as he 
was, inconsiderately begged of a parcel of ignora- 
muses, who knew nothing of the matter, that merit 
and courage might be allowed him; but it is reasona- 
ble to think that this illustrious character, whose ac- 
complished mind and manners are, perhaps, une- 
qualled, wished to shew forth to the public, in the 
present dearth of genius, some polished epistolary pro- 



1*54 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

ductions, with the answers; not as autographs to 
shew the comparison of hands, but as specimens to 
mark the comparison of minds, and the differences of 
style; the pure, the dull, the clear, and the obscure; 
besides the information it gave to the public of the 
superiority of great men's writings over the epistolct 
obscurorvm virorum. 

Another instance of useless and unnecessary pub- 
licity is in the defence of the life and character of a 
deceased nobleman, whose virtues will long appear in 
bricks and mortar, and whose generosity was well 
known, since he gave food to thousands of workmen 
whom he was obliged to employ to build numerous 
streets and squares. Why should any dare to find 
fault with a great man for paying his people on a 
Sunday, (even if it were true,) when so many great men 
do not pay their people at all; and why should all the 
virtues of the patriarchs be expected in the peerage, 
when the peerage is so numerous that the thing must 
be distributed among them, to make it hold out. One 
cannot, therefore, expect much worth in a single peer, 
any more than much talent; they are possessions that 
do not go with the title. However, the present ques- 
tion ought not to have been started; it is a grave ar- 
gument, and the sooner it is buried in silence the 
better. r J o publish an affair, is to invite every body 
to read, and every blockhead to judge. What does it 
matter if a good character is vilified, every one has his 
own world, clear of the mass of society. " Mine," 
cried Decius, " is a few men of worth and talent ; I am 



the man in the moon. 155 

glad that I am ill treated by strangers, it will make 
me stay at home with my friends. " A traveller upon 
the road must expect to be abused; some will say 
that he is a gentleman, and others that he is a high- 
wayman: after all it amounts to nothing; a man's 
heart is the sitting magistrate, who best knows the 
truth of the evidence. A certain military character 
having been subjected to some severe but unjust re- 
flections upon his conduct, desired to be tried by a 
court martial, which was granted him; when the same 
enemies, who had propagated the reports, stretched 
their evidence to a sufficient extent to occasion the 
court to sentence him to a reprimand. A friend 
afterwards asked him why he had brought the 
disgrace upon himself by demanding a court martial? 
" Because" (answered he) " I did not know that I 
was guilty. " It is, perhaps, the best and safest way 
for the man of integrity, who has the injuries of injus- 
tice to complain of, not cognizable by the laws of his 
country, to trust to the strength of his own character, 
which will support him through the trial, and, at 
length, expose falsehood. A few, indeed, may enter- 
tain false opinions from false representations; but the 
good man, attacked by calumny, remains as immove- 
able as a strong fortress upon a rock, to shew the 
weakness of the power that assails him ; it is then that 
his enemy is compelled to raise the siege with the loss 
of his ammunition. 

It not unfrequently happens, through the strength 

of truth, that the modest person lias the power to 



156 *THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

dismay the most impudent assailant. A mild, inoffen- 
sive man had one day, at table, endured with a great 
deal of patience the severe jokes of a wit (of no very 
good character,) who had amused himself and the 
party at his expence, one of the company asked the 
quiet man why he did not reply to the other's animad- 
versions? " Because" (answered lie) " I have too much 
charity." And a still keener reply was made some 
years ago by a poor Irish barrister, who did not al- 
ways come into court properly drest. The judge, who 
.was suspected of being not the most pure upon the 
bench, one day took notice of this want of propriety 
in the following words: — " My dear Mr. Macgragh, 
I am sorry to see that you come into court with such a 
dirty shirt." — " Faith, I am very sorry for it too," (re- 
plied the barrister,) " but, though my shirt is dirty, if 
your lordship will look (holding up both his hands) you 
will see that my hands are darx" The truth is, that it 
matters very little what people say of a man, it is 
what the man feels that he can say of himself. Fame 
frequently bestows her prizes unjustly, and often takes 
t! em away without a cause; which mutability of her 
character gave occasion to the bon mot of a wit and 
epicure of the present day, who having listened some 
time to a conversation upon the tongue of fair report, 
said, " Why, for my part, I prefer a neat's tongue - 3 
the flavour is, as good, and it keeps much longer." 

It is unpleasant to the feelings of a humane man 
to hear, in our courts of justice, the torrents of abuse 
opened by the counsel, making a wreck of reputation*, 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 157 

and sinking character for ever. Ill advised are parties 
to go to law for trifling matters, since there are al- 
most always faults on both sides; and perhaps, for 
some paltry consideration, they become publicly posted 
up as knaves or blockheads in the truest sense of my 
motto, and, it may be, with the additional satisfaction 
of each having his own costs to pay. 



* DEAR SIR, 

<c I am one of those unhappy people whose whole 
life has been a constant scene of interruption; I was 
impeded coming into the world by the difficult labour 
of my mother, and in my growth by the bad ma* 
nagement of my nurse. No sooner was I able to go 
a}one, than I was remarkable for the many tumbles I 
experienced, and the earliest interruption of my child- 
hood was in running after a bird, when I fell over a 
broomstick and broke my nose. Numerous were the 
obstacles to my going to school, from the circumstance 
of an old woman selling apples and gingerbread ex- 
actly in my road; but what, sir, is very extraordinary, 
as I grew up I found my interruptions increase. I 
once fell over a wheelbarrow, running after a pretty 
girl, and into a ditch gaping at a boy's kite; but these 
are trifles compared to what I have suffered since. In 
short, every scrape of my life has arisen from inter « 
ruption, and I do really think that I never seriously 
determined upon any thing without experiencing an 
interruption, except when I was going to be married 
«it St. James's churchy when the deuce of any thing 



158 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

occurred to prevent me. Why, sir, I never told a 
story, or sung a song in my life, without being inter- 
rupted; but if it will not take up too much of your 
time, I will detail some of the most extraordinary of 
the interruptions I have met with. About eighteen 
months after my marriage, my wife (for there also had 
occurred an interruption) proved with child, and at 
one o'clock in the morning I was awakened to go for 
a doctor. Nobody could be more active in getting 
out of bed, but I was a little delayed by the having 
tied my night-cap in a knot, as I did not wish to go 
out with it on my head; at last I was disencumbered, 
sallied forth manfully, and had actually got within a 
few doors of the doctor's house, in St. Martin's-lane, 
when I unluckily met a possi of the guardians of the 
night, conducting a poor fellow, who had drunk a lit- 
tle too much, to the watch-house. I could not, for the 
soul of me, resist following the party, and got locked 
in with the rest; where I took the part of the prisoner, 
harangued the constable of the night upon the impro- 
per conduct of the watchmen, and actually forgot al- 
together that my wife was in the pains of labour, un- 
til the squeaking of a little child, who just appeared 
from under the red cloak of a poor woman who had 
fled there for refuge from the ill usage of a bad hus- 
band, reminded me of my dear wife's situation. I 
made my way out instantly, but lost my shoe in the 
scuffle, and hopped upon one leg the whole length of 
St. Martin's-lane, to the door of the accoucheur. At 
my return, however, I found that my interruption had 
not at all impeded the affair; as my son, who after-. 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 15Q 

wards turned out an enterprising lad, had forced his 
way into the world without the help of a doctor. Soon 
after this, one night, being awake, I heard the en- 
gines driving along the street; well, sir, up I started, 
and ran out of doors, when, upon enquiry, I found 
that it was a friend's house which was on fire; away I 
scampered after the engines, until I fell in with a con- 
course of people going to the Pantheon masquerade, 
when I stept into Mrs. Richman's, got a fancy dress, 
and left my friend's house to burn without any interrup- 
tion of mine.' Another time, having been advertised by 
a friend that the banker's where I kept my cash was 
about to fail, I ran out immediately to get my balance, 
but was interrupted in my way by two little boys 
fighting, and actually stopped to see the battle out, 
until the house had stopt payment. And once, in the 
former part of my life, as I was going to the Crown 
and Anchor tavern, I was met by a shabby fellow in the 
street, who said that he wanted to speak to me. I an- 
swered, " Pray, sir, don't interrupt me!" and he re- 
plied, " Sir, you must go with me." In short, he was 
a bailiff, and I was his prisoner; so, instead of the 
Crown and Anchor tavern, I turned into a lock-up 
house, where I experienced a great many interrup- 
tions from the law before I got out again. 

" I believe, my dear sir, that one half of the ills of 
life proceed from interruption. Temptation and inter- 
ruption are the two devils that make life such a zig- 
zag course as it is, resembling what seaman call 
traverse sailing, Happy are those people, in my opi- 



160 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

nion, who are yet in leading-strings, who are tied 
to their wives aprons, or w T ho are led by the nose. I 
dislike these pierres d'achoppment so much, that I 
shall certainly hang myself with disgust oflife, if I am 
not interrupted. 

" I had something else to say; but my wife has just 
interrupted me by asking a question, and put it out 
of my head. I shall therefore conclude with request- 
ing that, if it is not too much trouble, you will con- 
descend to give your opinion how a man may go on 
without interruption, as I think that I shall then be- 
come a very steady and consistent character. 

" I am, dear sir, your devoted 

" PETER PIVOT." 

I recommend my correspondent, Mr. Peter Pivot, 
not to be so easily turned round. 

z. 



the 



MAN IN THE MOON 



" Officious Hope still holds the fleeting breathj 
*' She telli them still — to-morrow will be fair." 



HAMMOND. 



NUMBER XXL Saturday, 21st Jan. 1804. 

" DEAR MR. MAN IN THE MOON, 

jCjVER since the commencement of your sublunary 
labours, I have been anxiously expecting that you 
would do me the honour of a passing nod, or some fa- 
miliar notice, to distinguish your old relation from the 
motley crowd. You know well that I am really a native 
of the moon, and indeed all my acquaintance join in 
the opinion that I am a limatic. Such being the case, I 
expected in your new year's review of characters, that 
I should have cut some figure, especially as I also am 
an author — but, perhaps, entre nous, that is the very 
reason why you left me out, though I can scarcely 
think you so very selfish, so mean, and illiberal, as 
studiously to avoid mention of a brother author, or, 
deny that there is such an one existing; and when 
you give your annual review of all the books and 
men who have appeared before the public in the pre- 
ceding year, I feel confident that your long list in the 
newspaper will neither betray envy nor ill-nature, 



f€2 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

t)ut be, as it really ought, a true and correct list of all 
that has appeared in the preceding year. 

" Do not imagine, sir, that I suspect your integrity, 
I believe you c superior to every thing that is mean/ 
I only wish that you may not be corrupted by bad 
example (be not offended — recollect the angels fell,) 
and that the imposing air of popularity may not blind 
you to the tricks of craftiness, and the finesse of the 
narrow minded. 

" These observations I beg you accept, as a Christ- 
mas box, (old stile,) and trifling acknowledgment in 
return for your New-year's gift, which, I assure you, I 
prize very highly: and as your lottery of public cha- 
racters for the present year is now drawing, I trust 
you will excuse my vanity in wishing to have a share 
in it — nay, in even being put into the wheel as a prize 
for the lovely females of nineteen or twenty to specu- 
late for. The description might run thus : — 

" Jack Giddy, is a young man between the ages of 
twenty and thirty; whether he was born to good hopes 
or the contrary is not easy to determine, for though 
he is the eldest son of a country gentleman, yet his 
father has treated him unkindly from his birth. The 
rope end and dog-whip were his earliest acquaintances, 
and those who stuck closer than a brother, whether 
Jack liked them or no was very immaterial, but on every 
faux pas of childhood, the one or the other constant- 
ly made their appearance; never praised when right, 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 163 

and always chastised when wrong, stripes became so 
familiar, and his disposition so completely soured, that 
he grew regardless of his conduct, and never feeling 
' the pleasure of pleasing/ his mind, the elasticity of 
which was not subdued by severity, sought for and 
found consolation in retaliating the injuries that he 
suffered upon those who committed them. 

" His brother, being a tell tale kind of a boy, a little 
hypocritical, and a little knavish, always took care to 
make all the mischief he could, and lay every accident 
on poor Jack whose denial went for nothing: such 
being the case, Jack determined to keep his own coun- 
sel, and never affirm or deny any thing, endeavouring, 
as far as he was able, to give a Rowland for an Oliver. 
His resentments were generally levelled at the pocket, 
for cruelty had no share in his disposition. The win- 
dows were broken, the cattle turned into the lanes, 
the hogs driven into the kitchen and flower gardens, 
the ripe fruit shook from the trees, and the poultry 
put into the barn. One day, .when Jack had been 
punished for what, in his estimate of right and wrong, 
did not amount to a punishable offence, his father or- 
dered him to be confined in the cellar without food 
until the next day. What energies will not the un- 
tamed spirit even of a child call forth ? and what will 
he not dare when wronged? — Few, I dare say, will 
guess at Jack's expedient; why he took the cock out 
of every barrel of beer and ale, and when the servant 
was sent to draw some for supper, he found Jack up 
to the ancles in malt liquor; but not a drop was left 



164 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

in any of the casks. This crime, as might be ex- 
pected, procured a second drubbing, but without ef- 
fect; for being confined in the coal cellar, which he 
could not contrive to set on fire, he managed to get 
out through the trap door, and doing several mis- 
chievous tricks, secreted himself for three days in a 
neighbour's house. During this time a pretty uproar 
Mas created ; every pond in the neighbourhood was 
dragged, and those persons who knew the cruelty with 
which Jack had been treated, even went so far as to 
insinuate that his father had killed him by beating. 
At length the lost boy appeared, and went home as un- 
concerned as though nothing had happened. His mo- 
ther, with whom Jack was always a favourite, was 
ready to die with joy, and his father was scarcely less 
pleased at being relieved from the stigma which slan- 
der had thrown upon his character, and on that ac- 
count forgave all that had passed. Now it is evident 
that there were faults on both sides; the son was too 
like the father, and seemed to acknowledge a wrong 
when he had not committed one, or even of saying 
" Forgive me, and HI do so no more.'' This was a 
language which Jack was a stranger to; yet if he had 
submitted occasionally, even to a wrong, he would 
certainly have conciliated the affections of his parent; 
but however he jogged on without, and being of 
course soon driven from home, he plunged into those 
dissipations which his finances permitted. He had 
e s er been fond of books, and fond of writing, which 
often solaced him under the reflection thai he was 
npxio.us to a father's an| 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 



165 



<f It must not be omitted, that he gave the pre- 
ference to female company; indeed, he is a general 
favourite of the ladies, who find in Jack ail the care- 
Jess good nature, and suavity of manners, that is re- 
quisite to a good companion; he enters into conversa- 
tion with a gaiety which surprises those who know 
what he has suffered, and chats on every subject as far 
as he understands it, without affectation; for he has 
skimmed the circle of general knowledge, and is sel- 
dom at a loss in conversation. His friendships are al- 
ways warm and generally lasting; his purse is the 
property of his friend, and the unfortunate; and he 
not unfrequently suffers pecuniary inconvenience to 
relieve his friend from it. This conduct, as he is 
wanting in precaution, and seldom discriminates be- 
tween real friends, and those who appear only to be 
so, has plunged him into difficulties and embarrass- 
ments of the most distressing nature. In a word, if 
the voice of want assails his ear, he is unable to fly 
from it, considering that while he is coolly ascertain* 
ing the measure of their distress they might perish. 
Yet, with all this humanity, there is not a soul breath- 
ing that possesses more pride than Jack Giddy, and 
so many other peculiarites, that, take him all together, 
he is one of the strangest compounds that can wear 
the face of humanity, as will be perceived when 
we finish this outline sketch of an odd fellow's cha- 
racter. 

" JACK GIDDY." 



166 THE MAN IN THE MOONr 

If it were not that we are flattered through life 
with continual fresh prospects and lively hopes, dull 
and heavy indeed would be the road; happily we are 
no sooner vexed or disappointed at any thing, but in 
the common course of incidents we have, by the turn 
of a few hours, some new hope or expectation to re- 
fresh and enliven us, keeping us in temper with the 
uphill journey of life. Satisfaction does not even close 
the scene upon us ; satisfaction is the end of hope ; 
yet not the end, since from her maturities fresh pro- 
spects rise yet more pleasant to look to; she gives us 
all we ask and promises us more; nor has the man any 
reason to be depressed, who has met with a train of 
disappointments; he who awaits vicissitude with good 
humour plays but at hazard, at which, however for a 
time the run of luck may be against him, he is sure 
one day or other to get a game. Equally useless and 
unnecessary is it to give way to too great a share of 
reflection upon the past; after thoughts are of little 
value, and regret a tormenting fiend, who will never 
let us be enough at ease to put things to rights. Re- 
flection is only necessary to bring before us past ex- 
periences, and then it is of noble service to the mind, 
which, to act properly in life, should be free from the 
disorders of despair and dejection, which enslave the 
best intentions and endeavours, and render us unfit 
even for good fortune. Happy are those characters 
who grow from experience better in mind and judg- 
ment, without melancholy retrospects and unavailing 
chagrin. I shall give my readers a description of one 
of the last characters, as a good lesson for the road so 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 16? 

many are destined to travel -> it is in the following 
lines : — 

When I set out in life with gee ho ! gee ho I 
I car'd not how eager my hobby would go; 
I mounted my nag e'er the steed was broke in, 
And oft though she threw me, I mounted again. 

Now, firm in my saddle, I gallop'd all day, 
Nor car'd for a gate, though it came in my way; 
Quite careless and easy I leapt over all, 
Till the filly, call'd Fortune, gave me a fall. 

T recover' d my seat, and to prove I was game, 
Still gallop'd the jade, till I found she was lame; 
Till at last, with Experience, I thought I'd get down, 
So dismounted my hobby and walk'd thro' the town. 

At last we put up at an inn in our way, 
Where travelers but seldom are tempted to stay, 
Their objections, however, shall never be mine, 
The house was a good one, Contentment the sign. 

The hostess assur'd me, the comforts of life 
Were none of them wanting — not even a wife; 
So my nag to the stables by Reason was led, 
And the hostess and I went together to bed. 

Such is the traveller, who laugh and joke, and fro- 
lic along the road, who can stand the rough of all 
weathers, because he is not afraid of spoiling a fine 
coat, or catching cold with the showers and hail 
storms which will at times assail him ; he canters on, 
and is sure, if he chuses, to find the inn if he only 
looks for the sign. 

Perhaps the more sensible and delicate minds, who 
delight in the luxuries of the imagination, and who 
appear actually to disdain^pntentment, may find en- 



liiicoi 



168 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

joyment in the contemplations of coming good, until 
the hours of time shall have run out, like the man who 
never ceas'd to believe, during sixty years, that he 
should, one day or other, ride in a coach and six. The 
following stanzas may not be unacceptable to such. 

TO HOPE. 

Gentle goddess! spare an hour, 

Assist me with thy sov'reign aid ; 
Heal with thy mild benignant power 

The wounds by adverse fortune made. 

Sit here with me, with me retreat, 

On thy soft bosom let me rest ; 
Tell me still, that life is sweet, 

Tell me still, I shall be blest. 

Then smiling in the face of care, 

Promise pleasure, paint success ; 
Still bid me never to despair, 

With thy gay charms my fancy dress. 

Paint my chariot rolling by 

The friends by adverse fortune tried ; 

Paint respect, attendance nigh 
To level them and raise my pride. 

Thus, gentle Hope can charm awhile ! 

What if we wake in Fortune's pow'r, 
She can the goddess oft beguile, 

And, smiling, cheat her of an hour. 



THE 



MAN IN THE MOON 



" I'll carry no mere sticks for ye." 

CALIBAN, SHAK. TEMPEST, 



NUMBER XXII. Saturday A mh Jan. 1804; 

A PREPARE to record the first instance of one of 
the most eminent of the pleaders answering a case 
without a fee^ and I think of it with all that astonish- 
ment of respect which never fails to confound the vul- 
gar in their apprehension of things. Previously how- 
ever to a consideration of the opinion of Mr; Erskine 
on the Volunteer establishment, I shall first endeavour 
to appreciate justly the moral, religious, and political 
character of a volunteer. A volunteer is a man who 
steps forth in the hour of necessity to defend his coun- 
try, his king, his possessions, and to watch the safety 
and repose of his domestic family; such a man has 
the most lively affectionate impressions, aided by the 
strongest reasoning, to engage him in so honourable a 
service; his cause is so just against an invader, that he 
is rendered almost invincible by the pureness of mo- 
tive which brings him into the field, Prowess is the 
effect of unsullied honour working in the mind, which 
never fails to produce acts of valour. I believe that, 
originally, many became volunteers that they might 

7, 



170 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

wear fine regimentals, and parade the streets in 
them. These holiday soldiers did not, however, con- 
tinue long in that state of military uselessness; they 
were, in the present armament, called to a severe at- 
tention to duty, and the practice of the manual exer- 
cise, that put an end to all trifling: some few, 
doubtless, finding that soldiering was no longer play, 
but work, sent in resignations; but these were truly 
inefficient men, and the sooner they left the ranks the 
better. The principle which directs and instructs the 
volunteer, will instruct him that having once engaged 
to serve, nothing ought to compel him to quit the 
post of honour but the real incapabilities of ill health, 
or other imperious circumstances. The severities of 
discipline should be approved, and held in admiration 
by the volunteer ; he should hold in contempt all ef- 
feminacy, and like the true seaman teize and tor- 
ment the lubber who sculks below deck when all hands 
are called, and who is generally punished by being 
what they call seized up in the mizen shrouds. Such 
is the spirit which has made the navy what it is. No 
petty excuses for a neglect of duty should be acknow- 
ledged, much less admitted. A volunteer who aban- 
dons his country in the hour of danger is a weak, das- 
tardly poltroon, and resembles the landsman recorded, 
I believe, in the excellent work of Joe Miller, who 
being in a gale of wind, applied to the captain for his 
discharge. His messmate asked him if he was sea 
sick? " No," returned another of these brave fellows, 
" He is not seasick, he is only sick of the sea. }i Of the 
same character are such volunteers (if there are any 






THE MAN IN THE MOON. 1?1 

such) who having taken to arms would, on the ap- 
proach of the enemy, wish to take to their legs. 

The mind required to make a soldier or a seaman, 
should be composed of the rough materials of genuine 
hardihood and spirit, capable of deriding danger and 
of disdaining fatigue; but the lessons of service ought 
to have been taken from the regular troops, whose ve- 
teran officers could have improved the volunteer force 
to a high degree of perfection, that might have made 
them invulnerable to any attacks from a foreign foe. 

The severe exaction of penalties from men whose 
desire it is to perform their engagements, is harsh and 
impolitic, and it has been entirely owing to injudicious 
magistracy that the question of the right of volunteers 
to resign has arisen. Why disturb the goodwill of the 
volunteers with doubts of the grace and honour ^to use 
the elegant diction of Mr. Erskine) of their character. 
Men always endeavour strenuously to act up to the 
favourable opinion entertained of them by the world. 

The distinctions drawn between the volunteer 
corps, the militia, and the army of reserve, with their 
several exemptions and liabilities, seem to decide the 
great question of the right of a volunteer to resign, 
and to settle it, that he has, since if he goes out of 
the corps he had engaged in, he takes nothing by the 
motioi\ or rather indeed has costs to pay, for he be- 
comes liable to serve in the militia, or to find a substi- 
tute if he cannot serve. The act of the forty-second of 



172 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 



the present king, c. 66, contains the exemption of the 
volunteers from the militia, and their liability to serve 
therein if they discontinue the volunteer service; so 
that the fact is, and it is as it ought to be, that one 
way or other value is given to the state either in per- 
sonal service, as in the feudal times, or else in money, 
which produces .personal service from others. The 
ends of the country are either way answered. Perhaps 
it may be objected that continual desertions would 
arise from the permission to resign, which would be fa- 
tal to the progress and completion of the volunteer 
corps. It is impossible to say what may be the ef- 
fect now that they have been compelled to try the 
right to resign, by the process commenced against 
them, and the penalties exacted which have awakened 
in their breasts a doubt as to the justice of those deci- 
sions. The old proverb^ Let well alone, is finely 
adapted to the subject; nothing could go on better 
than the volunteer system; the spirit of patriotism 
was raised in the country, armed cap-a-pie, and had 
swelled its enormous bulk to a size that would have 
terrified an invading host. And yet some little men 
of power must needs punish with rigour men who 
would have continued to serve, if they could have 
done so, without endangering their healths, or being 
subjected to ruin from the nature of their occupations 
forbidding them to engage in other pursuits, and who 
must have paid for their dereliction; the rest were, 
perhaps, ^ rascals, renegades, the scum of iJritons, 
whose space would be better supplied when they had 
made it empty." 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 173 

It is unfortunate that the question of the right of 
volunteers to resign should have been started at this 
moment, and were it not that I believe that that part of 
the soldiery serve from principle, I should be seriously 
alarmed at the consequences of the knozvledge given them 
by Mr. Erskine. I know that the fine sense and dis- 
crimination of that great lawyer, the orb of whose eye 
appears to contain the whole subject of his thoughts, 
and whose wonderful powers of celerity of association 
and combination of ideas bring him at once to the 
truth, will readily say : — " Why, if the volunteers con- 
sider themselves entrapped into a measure of service ne- 
ver accepted or agreed to by them, should they not be 
told what is the fact?" I know that if all of them were 
capable of judging of the moral and honourable nature 
of their engagements to the service, there would be 
but little to apprehend from their becoming lawyers ; 
but Mr. Erskine, in his great knowledge of the hu- 
man heart, and of human life and manners, knows 
very well how many a man there is who would avoid 
paying a just debt, if he were acquainted with the 
statute of limitations, the want of notice as an indorser, 
and numerous other nice points of law; and how many 
a man would defend just and honourable demands, 
and crowd our courts with unconscientious defences. 

After all, the solution of the problem is, that weak 
and inefficient are the objects of compulsory service; 
and instead of fine, free, brave, and independent troops 
of volunteers, compulsion would create such wretched 
beings only as are denominated in the navy, " the 



174 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

king's hard bargains," if it were not that they do not 
eat and drink at his expence. 

But the honour of the volunteers is yet unsullied; 
it is not petty differences and nice distinctions that 
can affect the general character of those troops. The 
true policy would have been to have let all the disaf- 
fected, or discontented, have turned out. A captain 
of the navy, on some of his ship's company shew- 
ing a disposition to mutiny, because they wanted 
to go on shore, had all hands called, produced the 
muster books, and threatened to put the R* against 
the name of any man who did not immediately return 
to his duty — not one left the ship. Such should have 
been the high conduct of administration, and the vo- 
lunteer system would never have been weakened. 

The Man in the Moon has now to notice a dan- 
gerous epidemic, which seems to threaten the health of 
a great many minds throughout the kingdom of Eng- 
land, and to produce the re-establishment of ghosts 
and goblins ; dreams are already re-invested with all 
their powers, and a certain lady has proved that there 
is no contending against their influence. There is a 
vanity in many people to permit mischief for the gra- 
tification of saying " my dream is out;" and so as a 
thing is very remarkable, or very wonderful, it is a 
compensation for all that happens. We are, however, 
in some measure, obliged to these extraordinary per- 
sonages, whose life, character, and behaviour entertain 

* Signifying run. 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 175 

the town with their surprising feats, and fanciful ad- 
ventures. If they disturb common sense at all, it 
only serves to make us set the greater value on do- 
mestic quiet and reasonable conduct, to make virtue 
more admired, and the extravagancies of illicit amour 
more contemptible. It is deformity opposed to beau- 
ty, and the picture is of service to the morals of man- 
kind. 

How much, in the present times, are those things 
neglected which alone can charm and delight the way- 
ward condition of man; the domestic fire side, the 
walk, the ride, the study, the entertainment of select 
friends, are utterly forsook for the brilliant excursions 
of vice and folly; there are certainly numerous fasci- 
nations to do wrong— 

" I know the right, and I approve it too, 

" I know the wrong, and yet the wrong pursue." 

But the most dangerous of any inducement is that of 
example: example colours the thing to our liking, 
and we become persuaded that there is no harm in it, 
when, in fact, the thing itself should be alone consi- 
dered divested of all the dress and ornaments of folly, 
and the strength of precedent ; we should then be able 
to say this is right, or this is wrong. 

j 
But the disposition of mankind to forsake his bene- 
ficial interests, unless they are pecuniary, is not new ; 
he is not aware that the chief interest of life is peace, 



176 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

and that there is nothing to be compared with a hap* 
py mind; there is not a sacrifice of vice or folly that 
does not increase the store of happiness. The idle, 
empty pursuits of dissipation create more than pecu- 
niary difficulties; they sicken and destroy the animal 
functions, reason becomes impaired, and she yields 
from habit to accumulating inconsistencies, every one 
more absurd than the other. It is a misfortune that 
men of great, and of even good minds, should so easily 
suffer the encroachments of vice to make the inroads 
they do upon the understanding against common 
sense, and against experience; the enchantments 
of pleasure put a spell upon the man who once adven- 
tures too far in her mazes. It is a labyrinth which 
few are able to extricate themselves from, and re- 
quires bold and prompt decision ; when once the open- 
ing is seen, it will not do to hesitate, for hesitation 
generally leaves us where we set out. It should be 
recollected, that weakness and wickedness are nearly 
allied to each other. 



The Editor of the Man in the Moon respectfully acquaints the Public, that 
it tvill be published in future only once a zveek, viz. every Saturday. 



THE 



MAN IN THE MOON 



BENIGN E. u 



NUMBER XXIII. Saturday, Uh Feb. 1804. 



" MR. MAN IN THE MOON, 



A AM one of those eccentric beings who do not al- 
together decide upon the question of right and wrong, 
on the principles of logic. I am weak enough to 
acknowledge that I allow of other forcible impressions, 
and derive much of my happiness from sensibility, 
which at times supplies me with numerous sources of 
gratification and delight through the incidental oc- 
currences of life. I hope, nevertheless, that the od- 
dity of my thoughts will not even offend the philoso- 
phy of the present day. I am sure modern philoso- 
phy will reject my propositions; but let it examine 
the premises engraven on the human heart, before it 
ventures to do it. I ask it to be allowed me, that the 
innumerable creatures of creation, induce the necessity 
of a creator; and if this is allowed me, perhaps my 
opinions may not appear altogether so extravagant. 
Charity would open her arms still wider to embrace 
not only man in his comparative situations in life, 

A A 



1 73 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

but the whole of animal creation would feel her en- 
dearments in a larger degree were men less lordly and 
independent. I know very well that with those who 
do not feel any thing, all that I can say will amount 
to nothing; with those who can feel the situations of 
their fellow creatures my arguments may have some 
weight. I am of opinion, that in the great scale of 
the universe, where not a sparrow falls to the ground 
without divine notice, the brute creation holds a much 
higher rank than is generally imagined, and that each 
individual of its myriads has its individual rights and 
privileges. I have frequently occasion to contemplate, 
with wonder, how it is that charity and mercy have 
found the footing they have done in the world, against 
the selfishness, the meanness, and the worldly interests 
of man. Now and then, among us, charity appears 
like the star of Bethlehem, as if to show where ths 
mild virtues of the Mediator may yet be found. 

cc It must be understood when I speak of charity, 
I do not altogether mean that species of it which 
prompts us to assist with our money the poor, or in- 
volved. To spare from severe crimination, from harsh 
rebuke, from ridicule, from disgrace, are charities of 
the first order. It is much the same whether we see 
a fellow creature in sorrow from the. distresses of po- 
verty, or from the cruelty of crimination, rebuke, ridi- 
cule, or disgrace, and it is a noble charity to snatch 
the object from the persecutor. Such are the things 
which, I believe, will reconcile us to the Deity for the 
crimes we commit hourly against him through our own 



THE MAN IN THE MOON, 179 

frailties and infirmities; and if that charity extends to 
the wretched animal, the poor domestic cat, who has, 
perhaps, enjoyed the indulgences of its master by a 
comfortable lire side, but who is now hunted by a set 
of mischievous boys, it is delightful to succour and re- 
lieve it. I have frequently noticed my old friend, Jack 
Glow-worm, pursuing the little offenders without his 
hat, until he has taken one of them into custody; and 
then the same mercy which operated to save the cat, 
began to work to spare the boy, who only received 
from him a lecture on humanity; which, perhaps, 
made him, when he grew up, a much better man than 
all he had ever learnt at school. But what is the next 
object ? a noble horse suffering under the blows of a 
senseless carman, inflicted with the but end of his 
whip on the poor honest face of the animal. Jack 
Glow-worm where are you? Methinks I see your 
powerful muscular arm raised up to prevent the blows, 
or in this case employed to fell the lusty tyrant to the 
ground. Well done, honest Jack ! I like these inter- 
ferences, they delight me; and let the day be fair or 
foul, or its occurrences lucky or cross, it is the same 
thing; I dance home as pleased as Punch. 

fC It is curious and worthy of observation that, ac- 
cording to scriptural authority, the blessings of the re- 
lieved, and the curses of the oppressed and injured, 
are supposed to have had their weight with the Al- 
mighty; and is it not unreasonable to believe that the 
" God bless you," uttered from the mouth of the fel- 
low creature you have delivered, will have its full per- 



180 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

tion of efficacy; but mercy is not common among 
men. Man has made laws subservient to the purposes 
of trade and convenience, which every day involve 
his fellow creatures in ruin and death. I doubt, nay, 
I do not doubt, for I maintain that no set of men 
have a right to take away the life of a brother man for 
any thing less than murder; ojr crimes against nature. 
It is not enough to say that the offender knew the 
law, the punishment is beyond the crime; the law for 
which has for its principle the petty pecuniary inte- 
rests of man, let the culprit be made to restore the 
loss he has occasioned to the party, or the public, and 
by labour or imprisonment work out his offence. The 
principle would then be just, and the image of the 
Creator be spared. These are the public charities 
which are wanted to ornament society. 

LENIUS." 






f* MR. MAN IN THE MOON, 



" As I know that you have a regard for the animal 
creation, I venture to offer this my humble appeal to 
your humanity. You must first be informed, that I 
am one of those wretched creatures denominated a 
post horse ; my sufferings have frequently occasioned 
me to reflect seriously in the stable on the relative 
conditions of man and beast, but a circumstance which 
happened lately determined me to present my com- 
plaint to you. I think that it was sometime in Fe- 
bruary last, upon a cold wet winter's day, that I was 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 181 

ordered out of my stable and put into a stage, which 
I understood was to take a gentleman to dinner, at 
his villa about nine miles from town. The day had 
advanced, and I heard with sorrow the passenger, who 
was a tall gentleman in black, with hard inflexible 
features, order the boy to drive as fast as possible. 
My usual philosophy did not, however, forsake me, I 
knew that it must be so, and galloped as well as my legs 
(one of which was a little lame) would let me; every 
now and then my strenuous endeavours were, however, 
forced beyond their powers by the cruel exercise of the 
whip and spur, applied by my driver in conformity 
with the injunctions of his employer, who fee'd him to 
make all the haste he could. At last, thank God, we 
arrived at the elegant mansion belonging to the pas- 
senger, when I observed him alight with a pamphlet 
in his hand, which he had been reading, entitled, the 
rights of man. Without deigning to cast one look 
at me he ascended the stone steps of his villa, and I 
was driven to the next inn, where I was put into a 
stable to wait a return job. Here I vented my tears 
and cursed the cruelty of man, when I was interrupted 
by a stranger; who, I found, had come into the stable 
to see his own horse fed, he was a man of about forty 
years of age, with a mild cheerful countenance: I ob- 
served, that every now and then he took particular 
notice of me, and of my condition ; upon this encou- 
ragement I endeavoured to make myself understood as 
well as I could, and with this attempt the tears run 
plentifully down my cheeks; but I was astonished to 
find that I actually spoke, and in a language which the 



182 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

stranger understood, for he patted me Aery kindly on 
the head, then down the face, and ordered me some 
more corn. I told him my sufferings as well as I 
could, and I heard him call the boy, and bid a i 
for me; the bargain was soon struck, and the gentle- 
man's servant took me home, where I lay on a good 
bed and slept soundly. The next morning I was 
turned out into a field of clover, where I had not been 
long before my new master came to look at me; he 
had a book in his hand, and sat himself down on a 
bank near me, when, as I chewed the herbage, I heard 
him speak as follows : — c Poor creature ! thy ribs ap- 
pear through thy mangled flesh; thou art, indeed, in 
a woeful condition; and who has had the right to mis- 
use thee thus? Man, proud, imperious, unjust man; 
who makes so much ado about his own rights, and 
can thus cruelly play the despot over the rest of crea- 
tion. These impious uncharitable pages (cried he, 
looking at the book he held in his hand) shall no lon- 
ger call upon me to reflect upon their absurd phi- 
losophy. 

ft Man has no claim to boundless liberty, 
" So great a tyrant ought not to be free." 

Yes, there is a necessity for strong laws to bind thy 
perverse and adverse will. The common coarse, and 
vulgar mind of man needs the restraints of wholesome 
and just authorities. The age of reason! what time 
of his life is it that a man arrives to reason ? Is it when 
he considers himself restrained by the lessons of mo- 
rality, religion, and nature? is it when humanity pre- 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 183 

scribes laws to his will and humour? or is it when he 
is at once set free from religion, and all the authori- 
ties of collected reason but his own? If the last must 
be the state of sense in the country that I live in, let 
me be a fool; an ignorant, happy fool, enjoying the 
sentiments of my own heart, unmolested by doubt and 
mystery, rather than give way to the false fashion of 
philosophy, which adds nothing to our happiness and 
subtracts so much. Yes, proud relentless Man, brutes 
have their rights; the horse has his, and beyond reason- 
able service thou hast no right to use him. Thou wish- 
es! to see no tyrant but thyself; but thy proud arrogant 
heart would swell over every other creature. Thou 
puttest a bridle upon the horse; but it is thyself who 
needs the bit, the reins, and the martingale; thou 
tossest thy head too high ; thou runnest away, at times, 
fired with passion, and frequently thy mulishness of 
mind needs the whip and spur to keep thee in the 
right road. Thou hast not been, perhaps, so. well 
broke in by education as the horse; thou wouldstwish 
to throw every restraint from off thee, and to gallop 
through the world free and independent. And yet 
thou art but a poor creature after all! and of the 
horse and his rider, I believe the horse is generally the 
most consistent being of the two.' — Such were the 
reflections of mv benefactor, who uttered them with 
so much application to myself, that I felt more regard 
for my master, man, than I had ever done before. 
Alas! my happiness in this state of tranquillity lasted 
but for a short time; my benefactor died in a few 
months, and the heir, who, I afterwards heard, at the 



184 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

instance of my kind master, had promised to take 
care of me through the remainder of his life, and to 
permit me to graze in his meadows, forgot the pro- 
mise, and sold me to a man who replaced me in my 
former condition of life, and I became once more a 
post-horse. I had the good fortune, however, to-day 
to interest the feelings of a man who, I understand is 
an artist, and a writer of essays, and who came into 
the stable to draw my figure: he promised very kind- 
ly to publish my complaint to the world in your pa- 
per of the Man in the Moon. I embraced the oppor- 
tunity and have ventured to trouble you with the re- 
monstrance of an unhappy 

post horse. " 
Bamet, Feb.. 1st, 1S04. 

Z. 



The Man in the Moon presents his Compliments to Miss Fanny Flutter, and 
will notice her Letter in his next Paper. 



THE 



MAN IN THE MOON 



rt From envr, hatred, malice, and all uncharitableness, good Lord deliver us." 

LITURGY. 



NUMBER XXIV. (Price 4d.) Saturday, 2Sf/i Jan. 1804. 

X ERHAPS better service cannot be done to society 
than to define with truth, and in all its proper colour- 
ing, the beast denominated in the natural history of 
mankind, an enemy. This cruel and ferocious animal 
is of two species, public, and private; the first, prowl- 
ing like the wolf, and the second, cunning as the ser- 
pent, or insidious as the tiger, watching when to 
spring and destroy. The first, warring openly against 
society, and criminating without justice or distinction 
the worthy part of every class ; the second, detracting 
from, or depreciating the talents or virtues of a pri- 
vate individual, or watching with hungry malice the 
moment of misfortune to feed upon its unhappy vic- 
tim. What is called a noble enemy (if there can be 
any thing noble in the character of an enemy) is the 
foe who fights the armies of another country in arms ; 
but even then, he must have his quarrel just, or he is 
no other than a robber and a murderer, and when 
great Powers amuse themselves with war to the detri- 

B B 



186 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

merit of their subjects, from mere political questions 
of ambition, both parties are the enemies of mankind; 
but as I do not mean, in this Paper, to enter into the 
consideration of the greater mischiefs and abuses of 
the commonwealth, I shall proceed to mark the cha- 
racters of the public and private enemies, who molest 
and disturb society, that they may be known and 
shunned. 

The worst public enemy is the man who avowedly 
scorns and contemns the rights and duties of morality 
and religion; who encourages, by his example, the 
weak and credulous to turn aside from the plain 
wholesome maxims of honest minds, upon which they 
have hitherto relied, to indulge new and fantastic ideas 
which only serve to disturb and lessen their happiness. 
The next public enemy is him who, in the schemes of 
avarice, grinds and oppresses the poor, destroying the 
reciprocities of society to secure great advantages to 
himself, and robbing on the great scale with impunity; 
while the poor wretch, who steals to the value of half- 
a-crown, is condemned to death. Another public 
enemy is the man who, by his love of expence and cruel 
ostentation, invites hundreds to ruin ; who, but for 
his example, would have lived secure and happy in 
their own moderate plan of life. 

Another dangerous and cruel enemy, fostered by the 
former character, is fashion, drawing aside, by her ab- 
surd fascinations, the quiet passenger of life, by pre- 
senting before him the bugbear called dis-respect. 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 18? 

But to proceed to the next class, or what is called 
the private enemy, the proper subject of this paper. 

The private enemy usually makes his debut in the 
masquerade character of a friend, which, if he is at all 
clever, he supports very well; he treats his object witli 
attention and respect, ventures a little modest flattery, 
and mixes up his slow poison in the sweet materials 
of approbation ; seeks opportunities to soothe the dis- 
contents, and to do innumerable little kindnesses and 
services, to the man he has fixed on, whenever the oc- 
casion offers. These are the advances; and bad indeed 
must be the heart which could reject so apparently 
amiable and interesting a character. At length, the 
heart is opened, and the kind attentive stranger in- 
vited to the full possession of the mansion, even as the 
owner. It is then that the dark and insidious traitor 
creeps into every corner of it to detect its weaknesses, 
for the base purpose of subjugating the powers of the 
mind which first entertained him, to suit his base and 
interested purposes. It is then that he begins rather 
to demand than to ask favours. It is then that he be- 
gins to doubt, to question, and to contradict; to try 
the different effects of a different conduct, and to make 
successful inroads where to erect the standards of his 
own consequence in depreciation of his friend; by de- 
grees he gets more into power, and his assumption of it 
increases till, at length, tired of restraint, he erects at 
once his crest, perches himself on the materials col- 
lected from the good-nature of his patron, and at once 
becomes ungrateful and offensive. It is then that he 



188 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

says, I need you no longer; and that he would, if he 
could, betray the interests of the man who had kindly 
taken him to his heart. Happy for society, though 
this enemy may, for a time, lurk about in search of 
victims, he soon meets with his destruction, and from 
the very means by which he hopes to conquer and de- 
stroy. Men, though they may contemn the weak- 
nesses of the betrayed, fear and hate the betrayer; 
and the insidious assassin of his friend no sooner be- 
comes marked and known, than he is hunted with a 
general cry of indignation into the same obscure corner 
from which he had emerged, neglected, and despised. 

I believe that the goodness of Providence seldom in- 
terferes more greatly than to prevent and destroy the 
designs of the private enemy, and that it is a proof of 
any man's having its particular protection when his 
enemies have no power to succeed against him. 

Envy seems to resemble the scorpion, which if con- 
fined in the limits of a small circle of live ashes, seeks 
to enlarge its dominion at all points, till unable to 
succeed, it at length fixes its own sting within its 
back, and expires. Hatred dies in much the same 
way ; unable to hurt, it runs, like the swine possessed 
with the evil spirit to the sea side, and destroys itself. 
Malice may exist longer, as it may creep insidiously 
to stab in bye corners; but truth is the sun from which, 
at length, malice must retire, and then it sickens into 
a state of corruption that is too offensive to be suffered, 
and the hideous object is avoided by all. 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 189 

There are some leading features in the character of 
this enemy by which, notwithstanding his mask and 
cloak, he may be known; the principal one is, that in 
speaking of others he is inconsistent. At one time 
his reports are favourable, and at another he depre- 
ciates from the merits of the very man he had praised 
before; in short, he blows hot and cold with the same 
breath. It is always sufficient cause to shun a man if 
we find he has the habit of speaking ill of another who 
is not present ; and much as you may be entertained 
with his severities, you may rest assured that you will 
have also your share the first opportunity. Another 
feature is, that he is never open and candid, that he 
sculks, as it were, along a wall, ashamed to look any 
body in the face ; his actions resemble those of a thief, 
because he is the worst of thieves, seeking to rob and 
supplant every one he meets. If he gives praise, it is 
only to introduce some observation that stabs at the 
same time; it is administering honey and arsenic; 
and if he flatters you, it is the flattery of the devil, 
and meant only the better to tempt and deceive. 

I shall not dismiss the subject of enemies without 
describing another species, which is composed of the 
public and private characters; I mean that of the ve- 
nal or partial critic, for the effects of venality or un- 
due partiality are alike. Partiality always presumes 
prejudice, and prejudice is almost always unjust. The 
unjust critic is at once the private and public enemy 
of society; he robs honest talent of its due, and en- 
riches the blockhead with the offerings of praise; he 



190 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

fills the trumpet of fame with fallacious sounds of un- 
deserved panegyric, and leaves the man of merit with- 
out his fair proportion of honourable mention. How 
often does it happen that one of these admirable cri- 
tics exclaims, I do not know this author ; and in- 
stead of seeking him where he is to be found, in the 
pages of his work, takes his character second-hand 
from some conceited sucker of literature, who allows 
talent to nobody but himself. How different from 
the just and impartial critic, who snatches from the 
impertinent group the book of genius, peruses its 
pages with attention, seeks anxiously for the beauties 
of truth, nature, character, morals, and design, allows 
the full measure of merit to the claimant, but honestly 
disdains to fill up more than he deserves; and at the 
same time, with liberal and friendly remark and ob- 
servation, instructs him how he might have succeeded 
better, and have asked for more of public fame. 

z. 



" DEAR MR. MAN IN MOON, 

" Do you know that I am in such a taking — I un- 
derstand it is your intention to withdraw yourself for 
a time from us inhabitants of the earth, and I was 
frightened to death for fear I should not be in time 
to ask your advice and assistance. You know very 
well what a flustration we have all been thrown into 
by Mr. Buonaparte; but as he has stood shilly shally 
about it so long, I have recovered myself a little. To 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 191 

be sure I was in a sad flutter, when Captain Biscuit, 
my cousin Lieutenant Jelly, and Ensign Putty, were 
called out by a drum beating to arms the other 
night; but, thank heaven, it was only a neighbour's 
house on fire, so I turned about and went to 
sleep again very quietly. Pray, do you think Ad- 
ministration are informed of any thing? and do 
you imagine if the French come, that they will 
rack, and ravage, and turn every thing topsyturvy, 
as the newspapers say? I am sure I would go out to 
meet them, if I thought they would do any such 
thing; but to the subject of my letter, for what I 
have said is a mere preamble. I have noticed that in 
your papers (I am sorry you have given up writing) 
you have neglected very much to speak of the tender 
passion of love, which, as it employs a great many 
hands and heads in this realm, is rather extraordinary; 
but, certainly, as you are a profest physician of minds, 
you ought to be acquainted with the nature of an 
epidemic that has withstood the power of medicine 
from age to age, and which bids fair to be farther en- 
couraged by the Vaccine inoculation. You shall 
know my history presently, though I tremble all over 
to make the discovery — to be plain, Mr. Man in the 
Moon, I am afraid that I am in love, and I wish you 
very much to examine me as to that point. I am, sir, 
a milliner, and the men tell me, a very pretty one; 
but I have, besides, a taste for literature, and should 
like very much to publish a novel, at Lane's. I think 
that I could write three volumes in a week. You must 
know, that I lodge in a house where they let one room 



192 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

next to mine ready furnished, to single men. I wish 
it had remained empty to this hour. I was sitting 
very thoughtful, Mr. Man in the Moon, last Fri- 
day was three weeks, hemming a pocket handkerchief, 
and humming " Ye streams that round my prison 
creep," when I was answered from within the other 
apartment, by a responsive melody that put me all 
in a flutter, which sounds were at length succeeded 
by the music of a flute. I was quite astounded, as 
Milton says, and the cambric handkerchief, which I 
was hemming, dropt from my fingers ends. I got up 
from my chair, lost my thimble, had to hunt for my 
thread paper, and overturned a bason of milk upon 
the bureau, which I had taken in for tea. Present- 
ly I heard no more sweet sounds; but I heard the 
lock of the young gentleman's room door move, and 
you may be sure that I was determined to take a peep. 
I was just in time to observe a smart young man in 
black, with a handsome face and good figure, descend 
the stairs. The next day (Sunday) it happened that I 
saw him coming in at the street door, so I was de- 
termined to be going out ; the consequence was that 
w T e met on the stairs, and he bowed with so much 
complaisance, that I could not help giving him a smile 
in return. He usually spends his evenings at home; 
so the other day my fire somehow or other went out, 
and I was at a loss for a light — it struck me, that if 
I knocked at his room door he would have the polite- 
ness to give me one; it turned out exactly as I ex- 
pected, he did so, and he asked me, moreover, to sit 
down: this put me all in a flutter; but, nevertheless, 



THE MAN IN THE MOON. 193 

I thought it would be unkind to deny him, so I 
chatted a few minutes, and asked him if he would 
take a cup of tea with me; he accepted my invitation, 
and I found him the most engaging creature in the 
world — so tender, so assiduous, so polite; but I have 
been very ill, Mr. Man in the Moon, ever since, I 
have a palpitation at the heart, my pulse beats short 
and quick, I believe I have a constant fever ; I sleep 
very little, and eat little or nothing; my business too 
is neglected, and Mrs. Shawl, the fancy dress maker, 
in Bond-street, my constant employer, is constantly 
making complaints. 

" I should have told you, that Mr. Trot (that is the 
young gentleman's name) is a banker's out -door clerk, 
and is also a volunteer. I assure you, he looks very 
well in his regimentals. He was called out the other 
night, by a drum beating to arms, and to be sure 
we all of us in the house, Mrs. Tattle the landlady, 
Mrs. Fidgit, in the first floor, and Mr. Fag, the re- 
viewer, in the garret, thought that the French were 
coming; but it turned out to be nothing more than a 
little boy amusing himself with a Bartholomew fair 
drum. I am sure I am afraid to go to Bagnigge-wells, 
or the White-conduit-house with Mr. Trot, for fear 
he should be wanted at the time upon duty; but I 
hope, Mr. Man in the Moon, that my fears are 
groundless. I am, to be sure, fond of seeing Air. 
Trot in his regimentals; but then it is walking about 
with me ; and though, perhaps, I should be inclined 
to follow him to the field, I do not much like the idea 



19^ THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

of being mounted up in a baggage waggon. But 
the question I want most to determine is, Whether 
I am in love, or not; and if I am, what line of 
conduct is best to be pursued, as Mr. Trot has ne- 
ver yet (though he looks as if he wished to do it) 
actually put the question. Pray advise me on these 
great points before you withdraw your good hu- 
moured face from us, and I shall ever remain 
u Your obliged humble servant, 

" FANNY FLUTTER." 
Sherrard Street, Golden Square. 

Miss Fanny Flutter is certainly in love; whether 
with the gentleman, or his regimentals, is not quite 
clear. 

As the young gentleman has not asked the lady 
the question, the lady had better (this being leap- 
year,) ask it him. 



The Man in the Moon takes leave of his friends 
and the public with courtesy and esteem, and may, 
perhaps, at some future day, have the pleasure to 
chat with them again on the great and lesser poli- 
tics of the times. z. 



FINIS. 



rriTueribyC.Wliiuii^hain, DeanSucet, feu ei Lane, London. 



CONTENTS. 



No. Page. 

I. Address to the Reader 1 

II. The Compiler's Account of his Birth and Parentage ... 9 

III. The Doctrine of good and evil Spirits established, with 

their Influences 17 

IV. Hearts of Oak — The Man in Armour — Letter from 

Cynthia 25 

V. The Pocketloquist 33 

VI. Universal Religion 41 

VII. The Man at the Mast-head— The Prince of Plaistow ... 49 

VIII. The Income Tax 57 

IX. Critique on the Entertainment of the Caravan. — Habitual 

Phrases, &c 65 

X. The State of Ireland — Letters from Mr. and Mrs. Placid 73 

XI. Cui bono — Tom Timberhead — Sharp Shooter, &rc 80 

XII. History of Peregrine Perfect 89 

XIII. Character — Life's Arithmetic — Drama 97 

XIV. Love — Charity — Manners, &c 105 

XV. Politics — Corruption — Bribery, &c 112 

XVI. The Use of a New Year — Characters of Tom Drowsy, 

Tom Tarnish, Bill Blunder, and Jack Ledger 120 

XVII. Letter from Miss Arabella Lively — Ditto from Quiz ... 128 

XVIII. The Volunteers 137 

XIX. Critique on the Entertainment of Cinderella 145 

XX. Folly of Publicity — Letter of Peter Pivot 152 

XXI. History of Jack Giddy — Contentment and Hope 161 

XXII. Answer to Mr. Erskine's Opinion of the Volunteer System 169 
XXII I. Rights of the Animal Creation — Jack Glow-worm — Letter 

from a Post Horse 176 

XXIV. Delineation of the Characters of an Enemy — Letter from 

Fanny Flutter, &c. — Farewell Address 185 



The Man in the Moon begs to acknowledge the underwritten as the 
Communications of Correspondents. 

IX. Letter from T. D. on Habitual Phrases, and Signature F. 68 

X. Letter from Xantippe Placid and Moses Placid 78 

XI. Letter of a Sharp Shooter, Signature Y 87 

XVII. Letter from Quiz 133 

XXI. The History of Jack Giddy , 161 



ERRATA. 
No. I. p. 5, I. 9, for soliary read " solitary." 
p. 6, 1. 2, for 24,000, read 240,000. 
No. XIV. p. 108, 1. 14, word 7, add " steak." 

p. 109, 1. 28, for ascending, read " ascend." 
No. XXI. p. 168, 1. 9, Sonnet, leave out the word " mild.' 



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